
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/154378.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_J._K._Rowling
  Relationship:
      Remus_Lupin/Severus_Snape, Lucius_Malfoy/Severus_Snape, Sirius_Black/
      Remus_Lupin, James_Potter/Lily_Evans
  Character:
      Severus_Snape, Remus_Lupin, Sirius_Black, Lucius_Malfoy, Albus
      Dumbledore, Lily_Evans, James_Potter, Lord_Voldemort
  Additional Tags:
      Angst, Sexual_Content, Explicit_Language, Alternate_Universe_-_Canon
      Divergence, Werewolf!Snape, First_Time, Aggressive!Lupin, Pack_Dynamics,
      Pack_Feels, Sexual_Violence, Lucius_is_a_bro, Unresolved_Sexual_Tension,
      Mating_Cycles/In_Heat, domestic_abuse, Tobias_is_a_dick, Expanded_Family,
      Afterlife, Death_Eaters, Marauders'_Era, Alcohol_Abuse/Alcoholism
  Series:
      Part 1 of The_Other_Side
  Stats:
      Published: 2009-03-28 Completed: 2009-04-15 Chapters: 33/33 Words: 61311
****** The Other Side of The Mirror ******
by TGPretender_(TGP)
Summary
     In sixth year, Remus Lupin nearly killed Severus Snape in wolf form.
     Miraculously, Severus escaped unharmed. But what if he hadn't?
***** When It Rains *****
Severus Snape woke up to a world of pain, bright lights, disgusting scents, and
sounds louder than the roar of a dragon right in his ears. It was too much to
deal with all at once. All he could do was curl up and whimper and hope to
Merlin that it ended soon.
He thought he felt a touch to his shoulder, but everything was so painful that
he could only shy from it. There were voices and they sounded so very loud. He
covered his ears but it didn't help at all. His head pounded.
There were hands upon him, pulling his hands from his face. He fought but then
they pried his mouth open and he nearly choked on a mint flavored liquid poured
down his throat. The taste! It was just as overwhelming as the rest of it. He
cried and struggled as another potion went down, then another. He lost count
but it didn't matter. Soon enough, he fell into oblivion.
Severus didn't know how much time passed. He wavered in and out of
consciousness. Each time, his senses screamed at him, but they dulled slowly
off. It seemed like years had passed before he opened his eyes and managed to
keep them that way.
The hospital wing was familiar, of course. One didn't have enemies like James
Potter and Sirius Black without ending up there often, especially when most of
the Quidditch team took their sides. Severus slowly sat up and held his head as
it began to ache again. The pain didn't burn like fire, but it was still
annoying.
He was the only one there, thankfully. Severus wouldn't have been able to bear
letting someone see him so weak, and it was weakness he felt permeating his
entire body. His limbs felt heavy, leaden, and his head felt full of cotton, as
did his mouth. He found a glass of water sitting at his side table and quickly
grabbed it, only to have it drop from his weakened fingers. The glass clattered
against the floor and Severus winced as the sound bothered his tender ears.
Damn it.
He shifted, shoving his weak legs over the side of the bed and moving to bend
and grab the sodding glass, when another sound caught his attention. He tilted
his head, frowning a bit. Footsteps, the shift of clothing, as if right next to
him. He jerked straight and ignored the way his head swam with the movement.
The door to the infirmary opened and Madam Pomfrey entered, but there was no
one else. Had he really heard her...?
“Mister Snape!” she called and he flinched, hands going reflexively to his
ears. Damn it, why was she so loud? Madam Pomfrey rushed immediately to his
side with a sympathetic look on her face. “Oh, you poor dear. Just a moment.”
She hurriedly fetched a potion and he took it without even thinking. Within a
few moments, his senses began to dampen. Light and color didn't seem quite so
bright, sounds so loud, smells so strong... He could still smell the light
touch of lilacs in her perfume, along with sugar and bread from her last meal,
still hear her heartbeat slow and steady in her chest.
“What...what happened?” His voice sounded hoarse and used and he touched his
throat with a grown.
“Oh, child,” Pomfrey murmured, brows drawing upward with utmost sympathy.
Severus frowned at that expression and a slow panic began in his chest.
“What. Happened.”
She bit her lip, worrying her hands. “We'd better wait for the Headmaster. I've
already sent for him.”
Dumbledore? What would they need him for? The panic went up a notch as he broke
into a cold sweat. What could possibly be wrong with him that would require
Dumbledore...? Severus swallowed quickly. Oh Merlin. He was going to die. That
had to be it. He was going to die.
He didn't want to die.
Pomfrey fussed over him a bit, then went off to do something. Severus hadn't
been listening to her. He didn't care. As soon as she was gone, Severus
struggled to his feet and pulled the sheet over his shoulders. He stumbled for
the door on weak, clumsy feet, barely managing to bully his worn out body into
motion. The door closed quietly behind him and he fled into the halls.
If he didn't hear it, it wasn't real. He didn't want to die.
Hand on the stone walls to keep him steady, Severus held the sheet tightly in
his other and just walked. He had to get far enough that he wouldn't hear it.
If he didn't hear it, it wasn't real. Barely one corridor later, he was shaking
so hard that walking straight became a herculean task. Thank Merlin everyone
was in class. If they saw him like this...
Somehow, Severus managed to get outside. He wasn't even sure why he wanted to
be there, but the sun shown down and warmed his skin, bright as it was.
Dropping down on the last step, Severus leaned against the stone railing and
closed his eyes. The warmth helped his speeding heart and shaking body.
Somehow. He didn't feel better, but at least he wasn't shivering.
What had happened to him...? He couldn't remember getting hurt. The last thing
that was clear in his thoughts was Sirius Black's gloating face. Severus felt
his chest clench at that image. Sirius Black. He hated him. He hated him so
very much... Black had to be involved in this, in why he was going to die. That
stupid git, it had to be his fault!
I don't want to die.
Sirius Black had killed him. Somehow, it was rather ironic and a little sad. He
couldn't say he was surprised. Some of the pranks they'd pulled on him through
the years, one's he'd pulled... The real wonder was that none of them had died
before this.
It still made him angry. There was so much he had to still do. Become a potions
master, maybe an Auror, find something that his father could be proud of him
for doing, something that his mother would acknowledge.... Get the girl.
Severus swallowed thickly. The girl. If he died, what would happen to Lily? She
hadn't spoken a civil word to him in nearly a year, but he still watched her.
He still loved her. He would protect her to the end of his days (especially
from that sodding James Potter) but was the end of his days so close...? He
couldn't die until he'd reconciled with her! Even if Lily never loved him back,
if she would just look at him again! Talk to him again.
Chest clenching, Severus dropped his head against it and closed his eyes
tightly. He felt weak, so very weak, like at home when he wasn't able to filch
enough food from the cupboards and his mother had forgotten him again. But it
wasn't just hunger. It felt as if his body was trying to shut down around him.
He didn't want to die but it didn't seem to be his choice.
Severus blacked out and when he came to, he was in the hospital wing again and
Albus Dumbledore looked down at him sorrowfully.
“Damn it.”
“Language, Mr. Snape,” Dumbledore replied quietly. His face lacked the usual
soft look and twinkling eyes. He knew it. He was going to die.
“How long do I have?” Severus asked. His throat still hurt and his voice
sounded so meager. As weak as the rest of him.
“Pardon?”
“Nothing. What happened?” What did Black do to me?
Dumbledore sighed and seemed to shrink and age in seconds. Severus almost felt
sorry for him. Almost.
“I'm afraid it's a little complicated,” the headmaster began.
“What. Happened.”
Dumbledore actually hesitated. He looked at Severus over the rims of his half
moon glasses for a long for moments. “You were attacked by a werewolf.”
Well. That hadn't been what he was expecting. Severus rested back more firmly
against the pillow, staring up at the ceiling. A werewolf..?
“It's understandable that you don't remember much about it. Most don't. And
most don't survive after the..” The Headmaster trailed off, but Severus wasn't
really listening anyway. So, Black had managed to sic a werewolf on him?
Imaginative. More innovated than he thought Black was capable of. But how had
he managed to lure a werewolf close enough to him? Or maybe it had turned on
him too. Ha, wouldn't that be great?
“Is Black dead?”
“Pardon?” Dumbledore looked startled.
“He lured the werewolf, right?” Severus looked at him again, oddly calm for one
who was about to die. “He's too stupid to have made sure it couldn't turn on
him.”
“No, Mr. Black is fine.” Dumbledore sighed. “He didn't lure the werewolf to
you, my boy. He lured you to it.”
Oh. That made sense. He felt rather stupid for falling into Black's trap, but
it still made sense. Now Black must be crowing for having tricked him so well.
Stupid Gryffindor bastard.
“How long?”
“I don't understand, Mr. Snape.”
Severus just frowned at him, rather annoyed. “How long until I die? I want to
know if I have time to finish my homework.”
Dumbledore said nothing at first. He stared at Severus and it seemed something
should have been hilariously funny, but neither of them laughed. Neither of
them moved. Not even the warm sunshine streaming in through the windows could
comfort them.
“You aren't going to die, Severus,” the Headmaster said very, very softly.
Severus knew that tone. He knew it meant something utterly horrible, worse than
death. And the fact that Dumbledore had used his first name... “You received a
wound from the werewolf. A bite.”
Oh Merlin.
He wanted to die.
***** It Pours *****
Lycanthropy, it turned out, was a nastier business than anyone thought. Except
Severus, of course. With his interest into the dark arts, he'd become rather
knowledgeable in the ways of various dark creatures. Werewolves were not
excluded, especially when he began to figure out just what was wrong with Remus
Lupin.
As such, Severus knew what was happening to him. Lycanthropy tended to kill
more than it turned. There was a very low acceptance rate. Just because someone
was bitten didn't mean they'd become a werewolf. Indeed, it seemed he wasn't
one of the 'lucky' ones either. The virus was eviscerating him from the inside
out. His body had rejected the change for two weeks after the initial
contamination, resulting in his on-again, off-again comatose state. The next
week, he'd been conscious but bedridden. His body was too weak and Madam
Pomfrey had the terrible fear that his heart would give out any day now.
Severus found himself really not caring. Fighting a losing battle against the
virulent strain kept him calm and sleepy. He slept far more than he bothered
staying awake. Homework was only the faintest escape from the dwindling state
of his body, but he could not keep up his pen more than an hour or so before
the weakness set in again.
The only good thing that had happened was Lily Evans. Once he'd recovered from
the initial shock of his condition, Pomfrey allowed him visitors and Lily was
the first there. It felt like heaven, as if they'd never had their falling out.
Lily sat at his bedside and brought him homework, keeping him up to date with
all that was happening in the school. She babbled about nothing important, but
just the sound of her voice was a balm on his heart. He'd had to physically
restrain himself from writing silly nonsense like SS+LE in his notebooks.
Had she forgiven him? Severus didn't know and he was terrified to ask. If he
asked, she might stop visiting him. As it was, she came every evening after
classes and they did homework together. Like old times. Like the better times.
Severus did, however, find out what exactly had gone on that night. Apparently,
Black and Potter thought it would be a riot to lure him to the fully
transformed werewolf, their own friend Remus Lupin. He didn't know if they
intended to kill him, but Potter chickened out at the last moment and dragged
him to safety...but too late to escape Lupin's jaws. Thus, he'd been bitten.
Black and Potter both had detention for the rest of the year and had been
removed from their Quidditch team. Severus wished they'd been expelled, but
Dumbledore had said some junk about the importance of pure lines, safe places,
teenage stupidity. All rubbish, but it made the message clear. Dumbledore
didn't give a damn what happened to him when it came to his precious Gryffindor
pups. Honestly, Severus wasn't all that surprised, but it had 1hurt. Not that
he'd admit it. But at least he had Lily.
Three days before the full moon, Severus began to feel a strange itch under his
skin. He told no one, rather terrified of what it would mean. He was still
bedridden for the most part as the virus continued to slowly kill him.
Shouldn't he have been dead already? It seemed unnecessarily tedious to draw it
out this long. Madam Pomfrey had stopped telling him the truth about his
condition a week ago. He was getting worse.
...And what would happen on the full moon? That was what scared Severus the
most. Would he transform? Would the virus run its course? If he survived the
transformation, he'd never have to worry about illness after, except for
silver. But if he didn't... If he didn't, it would leave a very nasty corpse
for his mother to bury. If she'd bury a monster.
Neither of his parents had come to see him. Severus was sure Dumbledore had
informed them of his condition, but there'd been no word at all. He hadn't been
surprised about his father, but he'd held out hope.. Well. If Eileen Snape
didn't want to see her dying son, that was her business. He would be damned if
he mourned her presence.
The antsy itch under his skin grew worse the next day and then left him
vibrating with nervous energy by the full moon. He was still alive, somehow,
still aware, so Madam Pomfrey and Dumbledore got him in a coat and helped him
stumble his way out to the whomping willow, and from there the shrieking shack.
He hated needing their help, but every step made him weaker and weaker. They
finally levered him down to sit against one dirty, scratched wall where he
sweat and panted from exertion.
And then Remus Lupin appeared.
Severus nearly hexed him, but he hadn't had his wand on him since he'd
awakened. Lupin looked at him and blanched. It almost gave Severus a rush of
joy to see that. Almost.
“..Snape,” Lupin greeted uneasily. He couldn't quite look the Slytherin in the
eye. Good. He wasn't worthy of doing so.
“Werewolf,” Severus replied coolly. Lupin's nostrils flared and his brows
twitched. Severus thought he was either angry or regretful. Either way, it was
fine with him.
“Now now, boys,” Dumbledore tried to be the voice of reason as Pomfrey fretted.
“Tonight may be rather...”
Severus glared at him when he trailed off and looked at him. After a few
moments, Dumbledore regained his composure and resumed.
“Lets try for a truce, at least for tonight,” the old man murmured. Severus
snorted and Lupin looked a little green in a way that rather pleased him. “Mr.
Lupin, if you would follow Madam Pomfrey to the bedroom? She'll be performing a
number of charms to keep you restrained to that area.”
Lupin followed the nurse without a word, but he did give Severus one last look.
It was regretful, shamed, and Severus's lip curled in response. This was
Lupin's fault as much as Black's and Potter's. No doubt, Lupin had been in on
it, whether he was squeamish about it or not.
Dumbledore began casting charms and wards as he chatted about nothing. Severus
ignored him, simply concentrating on his breathing. His heart was beating too
quickly and his body shook with energy and weakness simultaneously. His senses
were going wild. Every knew sound jerked his attention and he couldn't help
being fascinated by the scent of lemon drops, peaches, and mint radiating off
Dumbledore's body.
Then the pain hit. A surprised scream ripped from Severus's throat as his body
convulsed. He thought he heard Dumbledore's voice but then a wavy of burning
heat raced through him and he could only sob in response. He jerked and shook,
whimpering as he felt himself flop uselessly onto the floor. It hurt, it hurt
so much and he was going to die, he was going to be ripped apart and die and...
and....
He hadn't told Lily how much he loved her.
He must have blacked out because he woke up quite suddenly. Severus lifted his
head. His body hurt, a dull pang through the full of it, but he wasn't hurt. He
slowly got up, arching his body this way and that to relieve various aches that
were quickly disappearing completely. With a jolt, he realized the weakness was
gone. He felt strong, powerful, invincible... and angry.
One ear twitched as he caught a sound. Scratching, whimpering. A sniff and he
caught the scent. There, another of his kind. His lips curled back as he began
to growl, low and deep in his throat. The scratching sounds paused as the other
wolf figured out he was there as well. Then a low growl. Severus made his way
slowly through the unfamiliar house, shying instinctively from the noisiest
planks. And then a barrier, situated against a rattling door. He gave a snarl
of anger and crashed into it, hear the other do the same on the other side. The
door groaned and rattled between them and the magics sparked with the raw power
of two werewolves hell bent on getting at one another.
It couldn't last for long. Soon enough, wood splintered and then a half grown
wolf slammed into him. Immediately, Severus fought. He had to. He bit and
scratched and tore, as the other wolf did the same. He had to win! Severus
managed to knock the bigger wolf off of him and them jumped at him to continue
to ripping, tearing fight. He felt tufts of fur pulled out, blood spilling, but
none of it mattered in the face of his enemy.
The brown wolf was bigger, stronger, but Severus couldn't give up without a
fight and they both understood it. A startled, pained whine left Severus as
teeth caught at the scruff of his neck. He managed to rip free, but it was the
beginning of the end. He managed to clamp down on the other wolf's haunch, but
then felt teeth again at his throat and this time he couldn't get away.
The larger wolf wrestled him to the ground. Severus whimpered as he thrashed,
but just felt jaws clamping tighter. Skin ruptured and his vision began to
wane. Before he could black out completely, the other wolf let go and began to
slowly prowl around him. Severus shivered and stayed down, even as the wounds
grew slowly less painful, healing. Finally, he lifted his head a bit and his
ears laid back as the brown wolf snarled at him. He couldn't win. All he could
do was submit. At least for now.
After a few moments of stillness, the other wolf seemed to loose interest. He
traipsed off to another room, scratching at wood here or there or breaking it
between his jaws. Severus felt the same need for such senseless violence, but
for now, he stayed where he was.
As soon as Severus did rise, the wolf was back and they fought all over again.
Each time, the larger wolf subdued him and then left to occupy himself as
Severus healed. Over and over and over. Severus rarely got good blows in, but
he got better each time.
At last, Severus could feel his body reaching its end. He couldn't keep healing
and fighting, tired as it had made him. So, when the other wolf stood before
him, stiff and tall with his ears erect, Severus kept himself low with his ears
flat and muzzle lifted. After a few moments of staring, the bigger wolf snorted
and went to lay down near by. Severus relaxed a bit and went to licking his
wounds before falling into a deep sleep.
Morning brought a very strange sensation. Severus thought he felt something in
his hair, brushing it from his face, but he only curled a bit tighter into
himself, muttering a soft sound. The rest of his body was pained and achy and
his head pounded. The touch paused and then returned to gentle petting. It was
comforting, strange, unknown, lovely... Finally, he opened his eyes, unable to
continue being subjected to something so sweetly painful.
Lupin knelt next to him, staring down, his hand hovering just over Severus's
head. They stared at each other for a long few seconds before Severus found his
voice.
“Get the hell away from me!”
Lupin drew back, lifting his brows as Severus scuttled from him, limbs weak and
clumsy. Then the other boy sighed a little.
“How do you feel?”
“Like hell warmed over. What's it to you?”
Lupin frowned and almost looked hurt. “I'm trying to be civil.”
“I don't give a damn. Leave me alone.”
Severus then realized he was starkers. He let out a noise and jerked his legs
to his body, glaring at Lupin as if it was his fault. His cheeks were colored.
At least Lupin had some bloody pants on. And the damned Gryffindor looked
amused. After a moment, Lupin tossed a set of pants at him. Severus quickly
caught them and dragged them on without a thought to whose they might be. The
fit was loose but familiar. His, then. He still hated the fact that he was
naked, especially once he looked down at himself.
There were marks... everywhere. Bites, scratches, bruises. He touched a few
with morbid curiosity. Some hurt, but most of it had already healed to thin red
lines. When he glanced at Lupin, the other boy was in much the same condition.
“They fade,” he said. Severus scowled at him.
“Who cares? It's not like anyone but you will ever see it now.”
Lupin didn't answer but he didn't have to.
***** And Then Gets Worse *****
Survival of that first moon meant survive of the virus. Severus wasn't sure if
he felt relieved or not. Certainly not glad. There was no being glad about
living the rest of his life as a bloody werewolf.
Lupin had tried to talk with him more, even apologized a few times, but Severus
hadn't had any interest in hearing it. Something about Lupin's voice made him
want to listen, so he fought the compulsion even harder.
When Pomfrey came for them, Lupin shut up, thankfully, and the nurse presented
them with the rest of a full change of clothing. They dressed in silence and
then followed her back to the school. Once in the infirmary, Pomfrey checked
them out thoroughly, rubbing salve into healing wounds just to make sure and
dumping a few potions down their throats. They wouldn't help much with the
achy, sick feeling both had, but a little help was better than none. Finally,
she sent them off to rest the day away.
Severus shoved his hands into his pockets as he headed for the dungeons, but a
grab at one arm stopped him. He looked at the hand around his upper arm and
followed it to Lupin's face. The Gryffindor looked so strained and pale...
Abruptly, Severus ripped his arm free and glared.
“Don't touch me,” he hissed out. Lupin swallowed thickly but he didn't back
down.
“We need to talk.”
“I don't want to talk to you. Ever.”
Lupin's lips pursed and he dropped his eyes. “...Look, Severus-”
“Do not call me with such familiarity!” Severus hissed with violent anger.
Lupin's eyes shot back to him as the Gryffindor tensed and fell silent. A
moment of quiet and Severus realized he'd drawn his wand. His breathing was
suddenly ragged, rage cinching his chest. “We are not friends, Lupin. We never
have been and never will be. I detest you. I find you so very disgusting that
just looking at you makes me feel ill. Don't you dare touch me. Don't speak to
me. Don't even look at me.”
“Sn-”
“Shut up!”
Lupin's mouth fell closed with an audible click and stared at the end of the
wand trained between his eyes. His face had paled considerably but Severus had
absolutely no sympathy for the man who had made him a monster.
“There is nothing to say.” Severus was beginning to calm, slowly, at least
enough to regain his composure. “Beside the nights we are forced in one
another's company, I don't want to even remember you exist. You've made me a
monster, Lupin. I will never forgive you for this.”
And then he left the Gryffindor standing in stunned silence in the middle of
the abandoned hallway. Severus didn't care if he'd been cruel. Lupin deserved
it. He deserved every bloody second of it. Severus only wished he could have
cowed Black and Potter like that. Another day, perhaps.
The rest of the day, Severus spent curled up in his bed, sleeping off his weary
weakness. It was the turning point. He'd survived the transformation and his
body made a speedy recovery. The next day, he was back in classes, much to his
comfort. There were rumors aplenty about why he'd been in the hospital wing so
long. Anything from the plague to a murder plot and other sundry idiocies.
Severus found himself more amused by it all than annoyed.
What surprised him as after his last class before lunch, Lily Evans showed up
and threw her arms around him in a tight embrace. Severus went very still,
sucking in a hard breath at the unfamiliar sensation of the hug, but Lily just
held him tighter.
“I'm so glad you're okay,” she murmured, muffled against his shoulder. Severus
shivered faintly. She still hadn't let go. Awkwardly, he lifted his hands to
pat her back before growing a little adventurous enough to slid his arms more
firmly around her. She didn't pull away and he relaxed a fraction.
“Yes, well, it will take a little bit more than a murderous animal to kill me,”
he mused. Lily snorted and then, regrettably, let go of him. Severus hated
having to do the same. “I don't suppose this means our... friendship will
continue now that I'm off my deathbed...?”
Lily looked at him, serious and so utterly beautiful it took his breath away.
She always had. Why such a beautiful girl had ever decided he was worthy of
speaking to, he didn't know.
“...Only if you promise never to call me that name again, Severus,” Lily
murmured with a faint frown. “Ever. You can't slip up again. I don't care if
you're mad or hurt. Don't you dare take it out on me again.”
Severus nodded stiffly. “Never.”
“Good.” And then her perfect lips drew into a soft smile that melted him
inside. “Then we can go back to being friends.”
“Thank you.” Severus felt himself smile in return. It almost hurt, as little as
he smiled, but she looked so much brighter to see it. They set up a study
session for that evening and then headed their separate ways. Severus hadn't
felt so elated since finding out that his childhood friend was a witch. He
didn't even mind that his first class after lunch was Advanced Defense Against
the Dark Arts with Potter, Black, and Lupin. Not even they could ruin his good
mood just yet.
The rest of the day went on in a blur. As soon as classes let out, Severus
hurriedly gathered his books and headed for the library. He hadn't felt so
eager in so long. Actually, he felt a bit giddy. How stupid.
However, just as he met up with Lily and basked in the glow of her smile,
Professor McGonagall came to fetch him. Severus could have cursed the woman but
he managed to keep his cool and promised to find Lily once he was finished.
Then he followed the damned professor to the headmaster's office. Before
Dumbledore could greet him, Severus stopped dead in the doorway. Sitting in
front of the headmaster's desk were his parents.
Tobias Snape did not look like a pleasant man, nor was he. He stood, taller
than Severus by half a head, and his sunk in, gray eyes flickered over his son
without sympathy. It looked as if he were trying to find some sign
of...monstrosity? Severus folded his arms over his chest in tight defense but
he knew his father wouldn't strike him with witnesses.
“The boy looks fine,” Tobias ground out finally, glaring back at his wife. “You
dragged me from work for this?”
Eileen Snape swallowed thickly as she rose as well. She rung her tiny, skeletal
fingers and glanced nervously at her husband, only to drop her gaze a moment
after.
“It... this is important, Tobias,” she murmured so quietly they could barely
hear it. Tobias narrowed his eyes, then grunted and sat back down, hands on his
bony knees. Eileen gave Severus a glance and a fleeting, insincere smile before
she took her seat as well. Now that the warmth lacking greeting was over,
Dumbledore conjured another chair for Severus.
“Mr. And Mrs. Snape, thank you for coming. I know this will be a very difficult
change for your family and I will personally do all I can to make sure the
transition is painless,” Dumbledore began. Severus nearly snorted, but he
didn't want to bring his father's attention on him.
“Just spit it out,” Tobias sneered, his lip curling. “What do we have to do
about this...condition?”
“Well, you'll need to alter a room in the house or near by where Severus can
spend the full moons. I will teach Eileen the necessary warding spells to make
sure he doesn't escape while transformed-”
“So this 'werewolf' thing. It's real?” Tobais looked back to his son with
narrowed eyes, as if he expected the boy to sprout fur right then and there.
“Can't you people just keep him? I don't have time to deal with a dangerous
animal.”
Severus stiffened and his throat felt dry. He knew his father wasn't fond of
him, but it was another thing entirely to actually hear it, especially where
others could hear as well. Especially in front of Albus Dumbledore. His chest
clenched painfully.
“...I'm afraid we cannot,” Dumbledore murmured after a moment of quiet.
“However, I'm sure Eileen will be able to take care of this. Won't you, my
dear?”
Eileen flinched faintly at being addressed directly, especially when Tobias's
cold eyes fell to her. She said nothing at first, pale and still.
“...Y-Yes, I suppose,” she whispered finally, quiet and mousy.
“Lovely.” Dumbledore managed, somehow, to smile at the dour couple and rose
from his seat, holding out a hand. Tobias stared at it narrowly and then
turned, leaving the office with a grumbled farewell. Eileen shivered a little
as she got up, smiling tightly.
“...Thank you, Headmaster,” she murmured, ringing her hands once more. “I-
I will do my best to learn.”
Dumbledore nodded compassionately, then stepped around the desk and set a hand
on Severus's shoulder, startling the teen.
“You have a very special son, Mrs. Snape,” he said with a smile. “I will do all
I can to keep him from harm.”
Eileen nodded with another tight smile as she regarded her son. Severus sat
just as stiffly, arms still crossed over his chest and head lowered. She almost
reached out to him but caught herself and drew her hand back again.
“It..It's good to see you, Severus.”
“Mother,” he greeted, jaw clenched tightly. Eileen faltered at his coldness,
but she was more than used to it. What more did she expect from him?
“..I...I suppose you have...studying to do. Is it...going well?”
“Fine.”
“Oh. I see. That's good. Potions?”
“Head of the class.”
“That... that's wonderful, Severus.”
He didn't answer and she lapsed into an awkward silence. Finally, Eileen gave
another tight smile and turned her black eyed gaze onto Dumbledore.
“Well. B-best that I learn the spells now....”
Severus left soon after. He didn't see his parents off, nor even wanted to
think about them. No doubt, his father would take this out of his hide when he
got the chance. As if his son was more important than work. And now Tobias had
a slew of new names to call the monstrosity he'd sired. Severus couldn't bloody
wait.
When he dropped into bed that evening, Severus tried vainly to ignore the ache
that still permeated his chest. Someday... Someday he'd find something that
made his father proud of him. To acknowledge his brilliance and skill.
Someday... Tobias would be glad he'd been born.
Why couldn't someday be today?
***** And Worse *****
There was a thing to be said about scholarships. The only reason Severus stayed
able to go to school were scholarships. He'd qualified for the First Year
Assistance Plan when he first began, which took care of his tuition and books,
though his father had still had to shell out more pounds than he'd wanted for
the uniforms and supplies. Because of this, Severus had quelled any interest
he'd had in Quidditch or any school team requiring specialized things to make
sure his father would never have to pay for it. Thus, he'd ended up on the
Gobstones team mid year after being gifted a set of Gobstones. Plus, Lily made
the team as well and he'd do anything to spend more time with her.
At the end of First Year, Severus had managed to rank third in the school
overall and thus had access to another tuition waver for the next year as well
as a secondary scholarship to cover his books. He hadn't grown much so only
minor alterations were needed. His mother had tended to that. Third, fourth,
and fifth years went on the same, except for a rise to second rank and the
growth spurt he went through in fifth year that shot him up nearly as tall as
his father. New robes had not been a welcome expense.
Because Severus understood just how precious his schooling was, he did not
waste his time there. He knew that if he managed to flunk out of school and
lose the scholarships, there would be no returning. Tobias Snape had little use
for a failure son with as much as Severus failed him already. Thus, Severus
worked his bloody arse off. Only a few of the teachers knew just how much work
he put into his perfect essays and how much time he spent after school
practicing.
A month on his backside had set him back, but not as much as he'd feared. The
theory work he'd finished and he was up to date on all his essays. He'd read
the required chapters. However, his wand work, which had never been spectacular
anyway, was rusty. Lily offered to work with him and he gratefully accepted.
The two of them thus spend long afternoons doing this or that charm with Lily
correcting his pronunciation or movements here and there.
Lily wasn't too much farther in the rankings than he was, but she did had such
an eye for charms that not heading her direction would have been just plain
stupid. Of course, it helped that when he did something particularly badly,
she'd come up behind him, take his hand in hers, and show him just what he was
to do. The warmth radiating off her body was nearly too much to handle. Merlin,
he was going to have dreams that night after feeling her soft curves against
his back and side...
A full moon came and went. Severus ended up in the Shrieking Shack with Lupin.
They didn't talk. They barely even looked at one another. After transforming,
they spent most of the night trying to tear each other apart. Lupin kept
winning, but Severus vowed he'd over take that monster someday. Then it would
be a little easier to bear.
The week before next full moon, Severus made a mistake. It happened after
another bout of practicing with Lily, feeling her hands on his, her body
against his when she corrected him, her voice in his ears, her sweet scent. It
had all gathered and driven him stupid.
“I... I love you.”
The words hung in the air and Severus immediately regretted them. Lily stood
very still. She nearly dropped the book bag in her hands. He could easily read
the tension that had spun up her spine. Severus' chest clenched so tightly that
it hurt to breath. Oh Merlin. Why the hell had he said that?!
“Before. I.. I thought I was gonna die, but...but all I could think about was-”
Then Lily turned and smiled at him so prettily. He felt a faint flash of hope.
“That's very sweet, Severus,” she said in that soft, bright tone of hers as she
carefully broke his heart. “I like you too. You're my best friend.”
He couldn't breath. She said nothing more as she finished gathering her things
and left. Severus's legs trembled under him and then he fell to his knees,
staring after her. Oh Merlin. It hurt. It hurt so much. It hurt worse than the
time his father had beaten him stupid for breaking a neighbor's window. It hurt
worse than the time Black hit him with an acid hex and burned off half the skin
of his chest. It just hurt. Merlin, why did he say it...?
Lily had made it very clear. Best friend. Was that all he could be to her? Was
that all she would allow? Why couldn't she have looked at him and smiled and
said she loved him too? Why?!
Because he wasn't good enough. Because he wasn't Potter.
Severus sucked in a hard, painful breath. Potter. Potter had to be the cause of
this. That stupid, self-serving, egotistical, arrogant bastard. Severus didn't
know how he'd done it but he knew he had. Somehow. Somehow...
But what the hell could he do about it? If Lily couldn't accept him... then
there was no changing her mind. Fine. That was just fine. He could deal with
it. He could be her best friend. He could! He could do it...
Before he realized it, there were tears racing hot and stinging down his
cheeks. He'd never been so ashamed in his entire life.
As he broke down, he was dimly aware of someone arriving in the empty classroom
he and Lily had taken to using in the evenings. He didn't get up, couldn't.
There was no curbing the flow of disgusting, unmanly tears. He heard footsteps,
slow and hesitant a rustle off cloth, and then there were arms around him. He
was dragged against a hard chest. Severus fought it viciously, but the strength
of his sorrow soon sapped him of everything. He sagged against that body,
gasping as each broken sob stole his breath and wracked his body with trembles.
Slowly, he became aware that he was being slowly rocked. He didn't move,
himself, letting this person comfort him. Wide hands rubbed along his back,
just shy of getting tangled in his hair. Severus kept his eyes firmly closed as
he concentrated on trying to control his breathing and become something more
than the shaking, pitiful thing.
There was a scent, something familiar. Something like pine needles, chocolate,
the faintest hint of coppery blood..
Severus' eyes snapped open as he jerked his head up, nearly bashing into his
comforter's chin. Golden brown eyes stared back at him, widened at the sudden
movement.
He was being held by Remus bloody Lupin. Severus stayed still, too shocked to
speak. Remus just stared back at first, hesitant and a little confused, and
then he drew Severus back against his chest. For some reason, the Slytherin
still couldn't force himself away.
There was something very warm about being embraced like this, wrapped up in
someone's arms as if they could save him from everything. It was horribly
humbling. Even if Lupin was the one holding him, Severus couldn't help leaned a
little tighter to the other boy's chest.
And then Lupin ruined it.
“What happened?”
Severus swallowed the lump in his throat. His face felt hot and stung where
salty tears had tracked. His body was strained and tired. And his heart... He
felt empty inside.
“Why do you care?”
Lupin frowned. Severus could hear it in his voice when he answered. “Because
you're a human being? I don't know. I just came to talk to you and you're like
this-”
“I'm not like anything. I'm fine,” Severus ground out, even though he'd made no
move to leave Lupin's embrace.
“Right. Crying like someone died is fine.”
“Sod off.”
They fell quiet. Lupin was still rubbing his back in slow, careful circles. It
felt good. It shouldn't have, but it did.
“...You can talk to me about it, you know. I won't make fun of you.”
Severus snorted. “Right. Like you aren't as bad as those bastards you call
friends.”
He felt Lupin tense up against him and felt a flash of savage glee. But Lupin
didn't let go just yet.
“Severus-” It was his turn to tense. Lupin hesitated, then back peddled.
“Snape. Like it or not, we're in this together now. You can scoff if you want,
I don't care. But until graduation, we're going to have to get used to one
another. We might as well be civil.”
“Great sentiment, coming from you.”
Lupin failed to rise to the jab, but Severus didn't mind too much. He was a
little tired of treated everyone like an enemy. For now. Soon enough, Severus
got itchy with the continued hug and had to end it. He drew away from Lupin's
embrace, getting up and looking off with vague embarrassment for letting
himself be held so long. He wiped his face, listened to Lupin stand as well.
“Truce?”
Severus looked over and stared at the hand Lupin held out as if it would bite
him. After a long minute or so, he gingerly reached out and took it, ready to
jerk back if there was some kind of hidden prank. But there wasn't. Lupin
gripped his hand firmly and gave it one shake before releasing. Severus drew
his hand back and glanced to the other boy's face.
Lupin smiled and Severus didn't even feel like insulting how dumb it looked.
The next day, it was as if he'd said nothing to Lily at all. They met up for
their usual training session and joked around like usual. Had she really
misunderstood his confession so much? He didn't want to dwell on it.
Someday, he'd confess to her properly. She'd likely reject him, but he still
had to do it. He couldn't be afraid of everything for the rest of his life.
Hell, he was one of the most dangerous creatures on Earth now. What was there
to be afraid of?
Days later, the moon came upon them. Severus and Lupin went down to the shack.
Spring was starting to peek out of the cool days of early April. Severus
realized, as he tugged off his robes and folded them neatly, that there would
only be two more full moons before the summer. He couldn't help being a little
intimidated by the thought of going through the change alone, even if all he
and Lupin seemed to do was fight with each other. He sighed a little,
unbuttoning his shirt. Just as well.
Their clothing was stashed away just as the change came over them. The shack
was alive with whimpers, howls, and half human cries of pain for what seemed
like hours. The change ripped and tore at their bodies, reforming them to its
own devices.
Finally, two wolves slowly got up, stretching aches away. They sniffed each
other curiously, remembering scents . The brown wolf stiffened, standing taller
with hunched shoulders. The black rolled onto his side and showed his belly,
ears flickering. And that was that.
The rest of the night they spend rough housing, exploring the shack, napping,
and otherwise taking up time. It might have been pleasant, really, had they
really been the simple dogs they now acted like. Here and there, however, the
rage overcame them and they bit a little too hard, fought a little too much.
Still, it was more pleasant than when they'd been trying to tear each other
apart.
The morning was better. Pomfrey came for them and was much happier with the
amount of scrapes and bruises they'd managed to give each other. She sent them
on and outside the door, both werewolves looked at one another and nodded. The
accord was set.
***** Until All You Can Do *****
The last two months of school went by like a flash. Two more pleasant moons,
the uneasy truce with Lupin, studying with Lily while Potter and Black were
stuck in detentions... His world was actually better off than usual. Severus
stayed on guard, however. He'd learned young that just because something seemed
good, it would turn out horribly in the end. After all, he was about to go back
home.
The exams were not quite enough to take his mind off that fact. He studied hard
and didn't worry when the testing day came up. Actually, he felt more ready
than ever. In the end, he was once more awarded second rank in his year, second
only to the Ravenclaw that had beaten him since third year. He didn't mind.
Phineas Abernathy still got lower scores in Potions than he did. With his
seventh year of classes now paid for with another tuition waver, Severus felt
faintly secure in his future.
And then he realized it was his last year. Severus stopped in the middle of
packing up his clothes to go home. One last year at Hogwarts and then he was on
his own. Slughorn had rounded him a few days ago and offered to contact a
Potions Master he knew for apprenticeship, since the man himself couldn't take
on an apprentice while teaching. Severus accepted the offer, knowing that
Slughorn would one day expect the boon repaid. Yesterday, Slughorn had informed
him that a man by the name of Damocles Belby had responded positively and
wanted to meet him over the summer to see if he was all Slughorn had promised.
Severus was nervous, of course, but not scared. He'd show himself properly and,
with all hopes, Belby would take him. What else was he suppose to do with his
life? Even his mother had excelled at nothing but potions and Gobstones.
However, even with making those plans, it hadn't quite struck him that he would
soon be leaving Hogwarts for good. The castle was special to him. Even with his
hatred for most of his year mates and other students, Severus felt safe here.
His father wasn't there to beat him, his mother wasn't making him hide his
magic from the neighborhood... He was free here. Free in a way he couldn't
quite imagine feeling anywhere else.
The thought was sobering.
Maybe life under Belby's tutelage would be freeing too. The man seemed
pleasant, from what Slughorn had said. Maybe...
But then Severus thought back to his housemates. Avery, Wilkes, and Rosier had
a friend outside Hogwarts that they were constantly conversing with. They
always seemed a mixture of chilled and elated after receiving letters and spoke
in hushed voices along with Mulciber. It was the same way Severus looked when
he received post from his longtime mentor Lucius Malfoy. Lucius had graduated
after his second year, but the older boy had seen his skills in potions and the
dark arts. He'd recognized him. Lucius gave Severus hope, even if he was a high
born, arrogant ass most of the time. Severus had gotten used to that.
Lucius had written in the last letter that he wanted to meet with him over the
summer. It was apparently very important and Severus had agreed, too happy to
do whatever Lucius wanted of him. He admired the blond man more than anyone.
Those first two years, Lucius had kept him under his wing and comforted him
when the Gryffindors tormented him, even helped patch him up at the beginning
of second year after his father had beaten him the night before arriving and
again when he returned from Christmas vacation without mentioning it to anyone
else. Lucius was his confidant. He'd even encouraged him in his adoration for
Lily Evans, much as he didn't understand the choice.
Severus sighed a little, then set the last patched pair of pants down into his
trunk neatly, closing it up after. Well. His plans for after graduation could
be thought about later. In the meantime, he had to hurry to catch the train and
there were the visits with Lucius and Belby to plan for. He dragged his drunk
down, where it was loaded and left for him not to worry about until they made
it to the station. Just before he could step into the carriage, a voice stopped
him.
“Severus!”
He paused, blinked, then turned. Lily ran up to him, panting softly with a
pleasantly flushed face that made his heart beat a little faster. She smiled
and took his hand.
“I didn't want you to leave without saying good bye.”
“Lily, we live less than a mile from each other,” he reminded her, but she just
laughed a little.
“I'm going to be gone most of this summer,” she said brightly. “Dad and Mum are
taking Petunia and I off to Italy. Mum has a cousin there and she's going to be
having a baby in the next week or so, so we're going to help her out. She's
alone, you see.”
“Oh.” Severus couldn't quite quell the feeling of utter disappointment. Most
times, the only high point of his summers was when he could get out and go
watch her or talk with her, even if that annoying sister of hers kept getting
her nose into things. Petunia hated him implicitly and he felt exactly the
same.
“Oh, don't worry. I'll write you often,” Lily murmured with chair. Severus
forced a weak smile. At least she'd think of him. A little, anyway.
Someone called for her. Lily gave his hand a squeeze before she ran off to join
her other friends. Distantly, he saw the untidy hair of James Potter and his
narrowed gave. Severus couldn't help but smirk at the other boy and watch as
James' face reddened with anger. But the Black caught up to him and distracted
him long enough for Severus to slip into his carriage, soon joined by Avery and
Wilkes, who just babbled about Quidditch and Avery's mother's summer home.
They got to the train and it was a long, boring trip because Potter was too mad
to come after him just now. But he was sure Potter would spend all summer
coming up with something for the next train ride. It was too good to think the
bastard would cool off or call off his claim on Lily.
The train reached King's Cross finally. Avery, Wilkes, and Rosier went off with
promises to enjoy their summer and see him next year. He waved them off, got
his trunk, and trudged out of their room. Halfway to the other end of the train
to unload, hands seized him and dragged him into a compartment with a strangled
little noise. He ended up falling back against a firm chest as a hand curled
over his mouth. Severus struggled, even as he began to recognize the scent
rolling off the boy.
“Hush, just wait a second,” Lupin hissed. Severus scowled and quit struggling
but he wasn't happy. And he didn't like the way his body relaxed when he
realized who it was that had grabbed him. As if Lupin was safe or some rot like
that. They waited until most of the sound was gone outside and then Lupin
finally let go of him.
“You couldn't have just cast a silencing spell?!” Severus snarled at him. Lupin
had the decency to look a little embarrassed.
“I needed to talk to you.”
“What for? You're infuriating, Lupin!”
The Gryffindor sighed a little and raked a hand through his hair. “Look. Who's
the one that's been a werewolf for years now?”
“What does that have to do with anything?” Severus was getting rather sick of
having to think about that, with all that his instincts and senses had been
going haywire for the last five months.
“Would you just listen to me for a second?” Lupin sounded about as frustrated
as he felt. Good. Severus crossed his arms over his chest and looked at him
expectantly. If Lupin wasn't going to let him leave without hearing his say,
then he wanted to get it over with. The other werewolf sighed a bit. “Okay.
Look. I need you address.”
“What? Why?”
“So I can sent you letters, obviously.” Lupin dug in his pocket and drew out a
bit of parchment, handing it out like it was some kind of bomb. Severus took it
before he thought about it. On the parchment, written in tidy script, was an
address. “Your transformation is going to be complete next moon. I wanted to
make sure if you... if you needed anything, you could contact me.”
“What a disgustingly sweet sentiment.” Severus still pocketed it, though. He
glanced back up to Lupin, lifting a brow. “But what could possibly change?”
Lupin looked a little uncomfortable. “....Just send word to me, okay? If
anything weird happens. My parents are allergic, so no owls.”
Not that Severus owned an owl anyway. He'd never had a pet except the snakes
and rabbits that frequented the back garden and they tolerated him more than
liked him.
Severus narrowed his eyes, scrutinizing Lupin closely. The shorter boy fidgeted
a bit under his gaze. Lupin expected something to happen at the six month mark.
But what? Severus hadn't found anything disastrous in his rather thorough study
of werewolves in the last few months. Something not in the books then? But
what? Not that Lupin looked ready to tell him anything. Severus scowled a bit.
Finally, he fished some parchment out of his trunk and quickly scrawled out his
own address, practically throwing it in Lupin's face after. The Gryffindor
managed to catch it easy enough and he relaxed a fraction. Severus's eyes
narrowed further.
“Why do you care so much?” he asked quietly.
Lupin jumped a little and flushed and then looked more embarrassed than ever.
Then he muttered something Severus couldn't quite understand.
“Lupin.”
Golden brown eyes lifted and Lupin winced. “...Because... I'm...I'm the
dominant wolf. Of the pack.”
“...Pack.” Severus's voice had gone very flat. Lupin blanched at the narrow
look he was giving him. “You think I'm part of your pack.”
“Yes.”
This was getting preposterous.
“Why in Hell's name would you think I'd have anything to do with your pack?!”
Lupin took a breath, steadied himself, and refused to back down. “Because you
are part of it.”
Severus didn't quite realize he'd opened his trunk and pulled anything out of
it until Lupin dodged the heavy book he threw at him. Lupin ducked under
another and then jerked forward with speed Severus wouldn't have guessed he
had. Thicker hands circled his thin wrists and Severus found himself suddenly
pinned awkwardly against one seat with his hands pressed tight to the wall on
either side of his head. He blinked and then stared at Lupin, who was far, far
too close to be comfortable.
“Lupin-”
“You're going to listen to me for once, Snape.”
Severus went silent and stayed very still. Lupin took a moment, breathing again
as he visibly tried to calm himself down.
“You're pack, Snape. Whether you want it or not, you submitted to me. I have to
take care of you. There's no want or choice about it, nothing human about it, I
have to. Because you submitted to me. Do you understand that much?”
Severus nodded. Lupin looked at him, quiet a few moments, then let go.
“...Write me,” Lupin said in a quiet, almost subdued tone as he refused to look
at him. “If something happens.”
Severus didn't reply but he knew he would. They went their separate ways.
***** Is Deal With It *****
Severus hated Grandfather Snape. He had hated the man since before he knew what
hate was. Four years ago, Grandfather Snape suffered a stroke and lost control
of the left half of his body. He'd been living with his son ever since.
Grandfather Snape had a motorized wheelchair paid for by his war pension but he
carried around a cane at all times, usually to smash into his grandson's face.
At least, that's what Severus thought. He supposed being a muggle, his
grandfather liked being armed at all times.
Before the stroke, Grandfather Snape had been just as nasty. His left leg had
been half mangled in the war and he walked with a pronounced limp that he
ignored or whinged about at random. He was of the opinion that his son and
grandson's generations had not suffered enough and he meant to change that
fact. Thus, he'd spent Severus's entire like trying to beat the boy into
something of a man. Tobias was too old and too big for his father to beat
anymore, but he didn't spare the man a word at every single fault, including
his ugly wife and scrawny spawn.
Severus could now simply walk away from Grandfather Snape - the wheelchair
couldn't gain much speed – but he never did. When Severus wasn't around,
Grandfather Snape railed on Tobias and then Tobias made Severus regret it with
every fiber of his being. If Tobias wasn't around either, then Grandfather
Snape lit into Eileen and that was even worse. His mother never struck him, but
instead would end up hiding out in the garden with him, saying nothing and just
staring at him with the most wounded and betrayed look in her eyes. So, most of
the time, Severus stayed when his grandfather got it into his head to rant and
rave instead of sleeping like he should.
Like now.
Severus didn't dodge when the cane swept towards him and cracked across the
side of his head. He didn't dodge because he knew if he did, there would be
another strike after it for flinching. He also didn't cower because that would
bring the same reaction. An unexpected anger flashed through him but he was
able to hide it, beat it down inside him.
“You worthless, good for nothing brat!”
Severus straightened and didn't hold his face, even though it ached along his
cheek bone, from his ear all the way to his nose and down to his jaw. He might
be bleeding. He didn't touch it to check.
“If I'd had my say, we'd'uv drowned you like you deserved! Miserable boy.”
He was used to hearing that. Grandfather Snape's face was pale and drawn and
looked thin enough to be a skeleton already. Severus often stared at him while
he slept to see if he would stop breathing and die for real. He hoped it
happened today.
Severus had had the gall to think he could offer to clean and buff his
grandfather's medals. Grandfather Snape wore his medals at all time, across his
left breast. He used to wear his uniform as well, but Eileen managed to spill a
drink upon it and the stain hadn't come out, no matter what she and Severus had
done. He'd been beaten severely for letting her do it. Grandfather Snape had
only struck Eileen once, when Severus was three. He still remembered how
enraged his father had been. Severus didn't know what Tobias did, but
Grandfather Snape had never gone after her again.
He sometimes wondered why he bothered. Even after seventeen years of living
with the man, Severus understood little about his father except how to
anticipate his behavior, most of the time. Tobias was not a pleasant man, and
Severus was rather sure Grandfather Snape was the reason for it, but he wasn't
a complete demon. Whether he had to or not, he always made sure the house was
paid for and in relatively good repair. He kept food on the table, kept them
dressed, even took his son to the hospital when Severus was seven and caught
pneumonia. However, Severus didn't think he'd ever fully accept the man. He was
always waiting, hoping that one day Tobias would realize what he'd become and
change. Maybe not become the loving parents Severus so often saw at King's
Cross or Diagon Alley, but perhaps a bit more... He didn't know what he wanted
exactly.
It wasn't but a few days after his return from school when the moon hit. Eileen
had learned well under Dumbledore's tutelage and had warded the small shed in
the backyard perfectly for him. They spent that afternoon clearing it out and
then she unexpectedly cooked a rather nice, large meal that evening. Tobias was
unhappy at the waste of resources, his hard earned pounds wasted on a food they
wouldn't finish completely. Grandfather Snape, predictably, spent the whole
time nitpicking every little thing about every dish. Eileen wilted and paled
and ate very little. Severus, on the other hand, was ravenous. He barely
managed to keep the usual level of decorum Tobias demanded of them, even though
Grandfather Snape was messier than any of his young second cousins.
After the meal, Severus helped his mother clean up as his father took his
grandfather to bed. There was nothing said between them; instead, Severus and
Eileen listened to the sound of Tobias and Grandfather Snape arguing. They
thought they heard something break, but neither was willing to investigate.
Just before moon rise, Eileen led Severus out to the shed. He stepped inside
and sat down on the built in shelf along the right side, looking back to the
still open doorway. Eileen stared back at him, pale and ghostly in the dark
half light.
“Does it hurt?” she asked softly. Her voice was barely above a whisper.
“Yes.” There was no point in lying to her.
“Everytime?”
“Everytime.”
She looked as if she were contemplating something. It almost frightened him to
wonder what, with the questions she asked. After a long silence, he felt the
itching under his skin.
“Lock the door,” he told her. She stared at him a moment longer before doing
so. He heard her quiet voice activate the wards and preform a silencing charm,
then he disrobed, stashing his clothing as high up as he could manage.
The change seemed even more painful this time. He writhed and cried as his body
ripped and shifted and became something alien to him. And when it was over, he
spent the night biting and clawing at himself and howling for someone who
wouldn't come for him. Someone who should have come for him. He wasn't suppose
to be alone, not now. But he was and it crushed him and angered him and he took
it out upon his own body because there was nothing else to tear apart.
His mother was there in the morning. Tobias was off at the factory and
Grandfather Snape still slept. Eileen pulled her bruised, bleeding son from the
cement floor, tugging one of his bitten arms over her shoulders, and then
hauled him slowly back towards the house. It was deathly quiet, except for
Severus's harsh breathing and her own faint grunts of exertion. Severus was
very thin and insubstantial, but so was his mother. She finally got him to his
room and laid him down before she began to work carefully on his wounds.
Severus could barely stay conscious. He was so tired, absolutely drained from
the night. Once she'd finished, Eileen gave him a potion to drink and he fell
asleep as she pulled the blankets over him.
Somehow, Eileen managed to keep Tobias and Grandfather Snape from disturbing
him though the rest of the day. He slept long and hard and when he woke, he was
still tired and achy. Severus dressed and went out. It was almost dark again
outside. He still felt the itch of the moon under his skin, as he always did
the day after, but it seemed stronger. He seemed stronger. And there was still
that vicious undercurrent of anger in his heart.
Dinner was waiting when he got to the kitchen. Tobias looked up and stared at
Severus, gray eyes flickering over the bandages his t-shirt didn't hide. He
said nothing, however, merely motioned Severus to his seat.
“What the hell happened to you, boy?” Grandfather Snape graveled out, giving
his grandson an odd look. Severus shrugged a shoulder.
“Got cornered. Village boys.”
Neither Tobias nor Eileen were looking at him. Severus began serving himself,
since everyone else already had. It was another big meal. He wondered if his
mother was trying to make up for something.
Grandfather Snape snorted. “Serves you right. Idiot boy. You probably goaded
them anyway.”
Severus tightened his grip on his fork. He didn't dare look at his grandfather,
half terrified of what he'd do if he lost control of the still throbbing, red
hot anger that made his chest feel so tight. As if he were still the wolf.
“I keep telling you, Tobias. You sired weakness.”
Tobias glared at him from across the table. Severus, for once in his life, had
the gall to glare right back.
“Not that I blame you. What with that ugly bitch you married.”
Severus didn't have to look at his mother to know she'd wilted again. It took
everything he had not to growl aloud.
“Serves you right. Miserable boy.”
Severus watched as his father's lip curled just faintly. Tobias looked as if he
were about to bite something. His knuckles were white and Severus could hear
his breathing quicken, just a little. Just enough. Tobias' face was dark and
grim. Grandfather Snape apparently grew bored of insults, for he said nothing
after.
Dinner finished in silence, as usual. Severus and Eileen cleaned up while
Tobias took Grandfather Snape to bed. They listened to the men argue, as usual,
and then the house was quiet. When the dishes were finished, Severus turned to
go to bed but Eileen caught his arm. He looked back at her and watched as she
stiffened, her eyes widening a fraction. There was a line between her thick,
drawn up brows, from her nose to the edges of her mouth, along her forehead.
She wasn't pretty. Severus had never had illusions about that. He looked like
her. They were ugly together.
Severus tugged his arm free when his mother continued her silence. He looked
away, stood stalk still beside her, and listened to his father's heavy steps in
the hallway before he shut his bedroom door a little too hard and the one
picture on the wall rattled in place. Eileen let out a breath and looked at
Severus once before she headed on to bed. Severus turned off the lights,
checked the doors to make sure they were locked – though why anyone would ever
want to come in was beyond him – and then went to bed as well.
He laid on his back and stared up at the ceiling as the night went on. He'd
slept too long, or maybe it was just the moon still exerting pressure on him.
He couldn't sleep. All he could think about was Grandfather Snape's voice in
his ears. Maybe he was weak. Maybe he was a miserable failure. But Grandfather
Snape was even worse.
Severus got up from the bed and walked soundlessly out of his bedroom and
through the house. He opened his grandfather's bedroom door and stared in. The
old man laid in bed, snoring faintly. His thin, useless body was sprawled over
the tiny twin bed, a pillow under his bad leg and another under his head, a
third laying beside the bed where it had dropped. His thick, black hair was
messy on his forehead. It was longer than usual. Grandfather Snape usually
insisted on keeping it cropped neatly, making Tobias waste pounds on such a
useless thing. They didn't get much from his pension, just enough to take care
of his wheelchair, his doctor, and his pills. He was a useless human being.
In a blink, Severus stood next to the bed. He stared down at Grandfather
Snape's face, tracing the wrinkles and lines of bone under his sallow skin.
When he wasn't awake, he looked so... old. Vulnerable. Breakable. Severus half
knelt as he grabbed the fallen pillow and then straightened again. He held it,
staring at the old, lumpy thing. He could end it. He could make this stop.
Maybe if Grandfather Snape wasn't there, his father could stop being a bastard.
Maybe his mother could start smiling again. Maybe he wouldn't have to hate
every last bloody thing about himself.
Severus' hold on the pillow tightened as a vicious, blood thirsty, righteous
anger swept through him. He almost stuffed it against his sleeping
grandfather's face. He almost made the pain stop. Almost. And then he realized
what he was doing, dropped the damn thing, and went back to bed.
***** Or Die *****
Severus sat down to write a letter to Lupin. He didn't know exactly what to
say, but he felt he needed to. He needed to share something. Maybe the rage or
the loneliness or how he kept thinking smothering his grandfather was a good
idea. More than usual, anyway. Or maybe about how worried he was about meeting
Belby tomorrow. In the end, what he wrote was very simple.
“RL-
I hate the moon.
-SS”
Why he bothered to beg spare change enough for a stamp and envelope, he didn't
know. He wasn't even sure why he felt this was so important. But, after a tense
few seconds of staring, Tobias gave him what he wanted and Severus walked to
the post office to mail the letter off.
The message wasn't even all that true. He didn't hate the moon. Actually, he
thought it was rather pretty. When he was younger, Severus used to sit outside
and stare at it while his father raged at his mother. It hadn't been
comforting, but he'd never expected it to be. The truth was that Severus hated
most everything else. He hated his grandfather, he hated his how is parents
treated him, he hated his house, he hated the quiet...
And he was still angry. A week after the moon and that anger hadn't left him.
It burned low and slow in his belly, a flame licking up his stomach here and
then before he could stop it. Just the day before, he'd actually talked back to
his father. Tobias had been surprised. For about a second. And then he'd struck
him hard enough to see stars. Still, there was a change and Severus didn't know
if he'd be able to control it.
The next morning, he got up early, showered, and dressed in his best clothes.
Eileen called them Sunday best because Tobias had, at one time, been a church
going man. He'd fallen out of the habit at some point after marrying his pagan
witch wife, but Severus knew he still had his cross necklace and the crucifix
above his bed. The button up shirt and creased trousers were black, as were the
shoes he'd spent so long shining before going to sleep. They did little to make
him look professional. At least the bruise on his cheek was basically nothing
in face of his new werewolf healing. He stared at himself in the mirror and
finally tied his hair back in as tidy a tail as he could manage and then
retucked his shirt, trying to smooth out as many wrinkles as possible. This had
to go well. It had to.
Once he was satisfied, he left the house, walked at a swift clip down the row
of lack luster houses, ignored various barking, angry dogs... When he got out
of range of any passing muggles, he stopped, took a breath, and then
concentrated. He heard a faint POP in his ears of apparation and then opened
his eyes. He still hated the feel of that transport and could count on one hand
how many times he'd done it since passing the class in school that year. His
luck that his birthday was in January.
The restaurant had a nice, open air to it. The furniture was white with accents
of gold and tan and there were windows lining the walls to let in light.
Severus felt more out of place than ever. Still, he persevered and narrowly
searched through the light crowd. One man caught his attention because he was
staring right back at him. Severus didn't need to wonder. This was Damocles
Belby.
Belby was an olive skinned, wide nosed, greek man with frizzy, curly white hair
and a generous beard. His face was lined with age and pockmarked, and there was
a hard edge to his brown eyes. He looked serious and focused, just how Severus
had imagined him. Of course, he could recognize that kind of focus from his own
work.
Severus sat down and they began the interview. Belby had a no-nonsense sort of
way to him. He didn't so much interview as interrogate Severus as the afternoon
wore on. They only ordered tea and Belby watched him mix in milk and honey as
if it would give him an insight into whether or not Severus would do. In the
end, they shook hands and Belby promised to write him soon with his answer.
Severus apparated and then walked the rest of the way home. He tugged the tie
from his hair, changed into plain clothes, and then flopped back onto his bed.
Who knew how long Belby would need to deliberate? Severus, deep inside, was
rather sure he'd be rejected. Surely, there were other young wizards to choose,
ones who were better. Smarter. Just...not him.
Because depression, as usual, had reared its ugly head, Severus did the only
thing he could: he started his homework. Homework was tedious, mind numbing,
and oh so easy to settle into doing. He spent most of the day on his
assignments, ignoring the sounds of Grandfather Snape grumbling about this or
that and his mother moving about to clean or mend.
Lupin wrote back. The letter came a week after his went off. Severus was a
little surprised he bothered, and even more surprised when he felt almost happy
he had. He took the letter from his bewildered mother, who didn't even think to
ask him who Remus Lupin was, then went to his bedroom, shut the door, and sat
on his bed as he opened and read it.
“SS-
She certainly is a vindictive bint. But any particular reason why?
-RL”
It took two days for Severus to formulate a reply and longer to get another bit
of change for postage. With this second letter, Tobias gave him a narrow look
and asked if it was important. Without thinking, Severus lied and told him it
had to do with the prospective internship for next summer. Otherwise wordless,
Tobias handed over a few more pounds than Severus had actually asked for. He
almost felt guilty about it, but instead just rushed to post the letter and buy
more stamps and envelopes for future letters. He was rather sure Lupin intended
to continue to correspondence.
Indeed, he did. Every week or so, there was a new letter and he replied as
quickly as he could. They never talked about much, but the letters grew
progressively longer in length, if not in depth. Severus kept his letters,
stuffing them in his pillowcase on the bottom side. He didn't expect his family
to pry, but he was paranoid enough to protect his privacy.
Late July, Severus left and apparated out to meet Lucius. The older man gave
him one of those arrogant smiles he was known for and shook his hand formally,
as if he'd never held a twelve year old Severus Snape as he sobbed over a cross
word from the girl he liked.
“Sev, glad you could make it,” he said as he led Severus up into the Malfoy
mansion. Severus had been there once before and it was just as intimidating now
as it had been two years ago. He curled his fingers in the hem of his button up
shirt, feeling so very common in the face of Lucius's obvious pure blood,
nobility, upbringing, and old money. Lord Malfoy was out for the day, but
Lucius's mother was there. Severus privately thought she was one of the most
beautiful women he'd ever known, second only to Lily.
Lady Malfoy gave Severus a small, controlled smile after he stuttered out a
weak hello, then turned to her son. “Our other guest will be arriving later
this afternoon, Lucius. Do try not to be late.”
Lucius inclined his head and then she glanced to Severus, looking him up and
down in a manner that made him feel even more self conscious.
“And find something more appropriate for your friend, will you, dear?” she
added. Lucius smiled. Severus felt more common than dirt.
In the end, he and Lucius talked in the blond's bedroom. They got caught up on
little goings on, Lucius offering to pull a few strings and secure his
apprenticeship, Severus declining but offering his congratulations to Lucius
for his engagement to pretty Narcissa Black, even if she had been borne from
the same family as Sirius Black. Lucius informed him quite smugly that Sirius
Black had just been disowned, nary a week before. Severus figured he couldn't
feel bad about crowing like a fool over it. Black deserved it. Or could he even
claim to be a Black anymore? How absolutely hilarious.
Lucius found a set of billowing black robes that looked rather silly on the
hanger. However, he insisted that Severus tried them, for they were the only
set Lucius had that hadn't yet been altered for his height. About the only
thing Severus had on the other boy was height, though Lucius was quite a bit
broader in the chest and shoulders.
The robes fit not like a second skin, but like an old friend. They settled over
Severus' body with a welcome heaviness, the soft inner lining of silk caressing
his skin almost obscenely. There were alterations needed for a good fit, but as
Lucius looked over him with a critical eye, the blond smiled.
“Sev, I do believe we've found your look.”
Severus glanced at him, his cheeks faintly reddened as he fiddled a bit with
the row of tiny buttons down his front and the ones at his cuffs.
“...You think?”
“I know. Trust me. If there's one thing I know best, it's how to cut a
fantastic figure.”
Severus looked back at the mirror and wondered, idly, what Lily would think of
him in this.
Lucius called for one of the house elves, a thin little thing who was quite a
bit handier with a needle than she had any right to be, and ordered the robes
fitted to Severus despite the boy's protests.
“Sev, this looks too good on you,” Lucius purred out as he rested his hands on
his younger friend's shoulders. “I insist you take it. Call it a late birthday
gift, or early Christmas.”
In the end, Severus really couldn't reject them. He liked the look and feel far
too much and once they were tailored to his thin shoulder and thinner trunk,
the robes looked even better. They covered him almost fully with a high neck,
long sleeves, and floor length ending. Tiny buttons made a row down his chest
with careful stitching to draw in along the sides and accent his thin frame,
rather than throw it out on display. The edge of his black shirt sleeves showed
under the cuffs, but Lucius slapped his hands away when he tried to fix it.
Something about a 'look'. He also refused to let Severus tie back his hair.
They spent the afternoon talking, catching a late lunch, and just enjoying
their company. Severus found out that there was a party planned that evening,
which was why Lucius had been so very insistent that he come that day.
Apparently, there were loads of people he wanted Severus to know. Lucius knew
the value of networking and becoming known. He saw no fault in sharing this
with Severus, nor did he sugarcoat why. Severus' skill in potions was far more
than Severus himself could appreciate, apparently, but there were many, many
people who could. Getting his name known would help in the long run. Privately,
Severus was rather terrified that his name would become known for quite a
different reason. He'd not told Lucius of his 'hairy problem' as Lily termed
it, but not doing so caused a lump of guilt in his chest he couldn't quite
rectify.
The party was boring. Severus trailed behind Lucius as the blond spoke with
this man or flirted with this woman. Narcissa was along soon enough to kiss his
cheek and murmur a few words before she went off again to gossip with a few
other young girls. Severus sipped the water he'd managed to beg out of Lucius,
who had tried to be insistent on the wine. The idea of being inebriated at all
around these powerful pure bloods was bother enough not to give in.
Towards the end of the night, another visitor arrived but this one was
different. The man was tall and broad with a playboy face and tidy black hair.
He could have been considered handsome, but what really drew Severus' eye was
the aura of power and confidence he exuded from every pore. He walked with the
grace of the royalty and the smirk of a conquering hero. Severus noticed how
nearly everyone gave this man a wide berth, but could not for the life of him
recognize who it was.
At his side, Lucius stiffened suddenly.
“Severus,” he hissed under his breath. Severus jumped a little but the blond
had his attention. And then the man turned his head, looked towards them, and
smiled. Severus had never been so terrified in his life. He stayed very still
as the man slowly walked towards them, giving another soft, cold smile here and
there, and then he was right before them.
“Hello, Lucius. I suppose this is the friend you told me of? Hello, Severus. I
am Lord Voldemort.”
***** But Dying Is Not Possible *****
Severus stared and he was rather sure his face had gone sheet white. Beside
him, Lucius bowed his head in respect and gave him a pointed look to do the
same, but Severus couldn't make himself move.
Lord Voldemort was not someone he had ever thought he'd meet. In school, he
often caught a copy of the Daily Prophet from one of the other Slytherins and
read about the anti-muggle attacks, letters of threat against the Ministry, and
open lectures of Wizarding superiority over the last few years. Lord Voldemort,
whoever he really was, had become the leading voice on the political front and
terrorist activities.
After a moment, Severus frowned. How could a man like this possibly show his
face in the open at a random party? It didn't make sense.
“Are you bluffing?” he asked. Lucius stared at him incredulously. His milky
skin paled even farther, as if Severus had just signed his own death warrant,
but Severus wasn't about to be cowed. “Why would Lord Voldemort show himself in
public, unescorted? He's a wanted criminal. That would be utterly daft.”
He was a little surprised Lucius hadn't fainted. He didn't think the older boy
was breathing.
“Lord Voldemort” only chuckled and his reddish brown eyes bore amusement. “Oh,
you are charming. A healthy dose of pragmatic disbelief is quite refreshing in
these times. I suppose I could just kill you to prove things, but where would
the fun in that be.”
Severus blinked. Such a casual threat didn't quite scare him so much as
intrigue him. Those who could throw around threats so easily were either
uselessly weak, or far more powerful than he had any right to associate with.
From the aura so very easily felt around the man, Severus's hypothesis leaned
towards the latter. A cold knot formed in his throat, but he hid it best he
could. Somehow, he knew showing weakness to any of these people, even an
impostor, would be more than stupid.
“I find things are easier to swallow when I can prove them,” Severus murmured
carefully. Lord Voldemort chuckled.
“Quite the scientist's mindset, but perfect for a one specializing in potions,
I suppose.” He smiled again and the lump in Severus' throat grew worse. “Lucius
has told me much of you. He believes there may be...use for you in my campaign.
I'm inclined to agree with him.”
Oh Merlin. He was being asked to join with terrorists.
Severus knew most of his year mates had fathers involved in the dark arts, a
few even boasting that their parents had joined in with the Death Eaters, as
the followers of Lord Voldemort called themselves. Severus hadn't ever thought
about them closely. It didn't affect his life much, except that sometimes there
were students crying in other house tables after news of a murdered family
member or friend. With this, he also knew what the Death Eaters did. They
killed, ravaged, destroyed, persecuted...
But who was to say muggles and their allies didn't deserve it? Severus'
entanglement with muggles was limited to a few. His father, grandfather, one
great aunt and a few cousins... They were all petty, horrible people. Even
Lily's idiot sister was horrid and her parents were nearly as cold to him. With
his experience, could he really say they were wrong?
Lord Voldemort smiled. “There's no need to decide now, Severus. After all, you
have school and likely training after that, correct?”
Severus nodded mutely.
“There is nothing more important than a full education... Though, I dare say
that Hogwarts' curriculum is lacking here and there. Ah well. One can't have
everything.”
The man didn't tarry with them long. Soon enough, he'd swept up some other poor
sap and Severus watched clinically the way everyone around them deferred to him
without a thought. Perhaps it really was the Lord Voldemort.
Lucius grabbed his hand and dragged him forcibly over to the drink bar. “That
was beyond stupid, Sev. I can't believe you're still breathing.”
“If I'm as useful as you seem to think, I don't think I have anything to worry
about.”
The blond gave a weak laugh and rested one hand along his left forearm, rubbing
with uncharacteristic nervousness. Severus narrowed his eyes.
“You don't know how lucky you are that he found you funny,” Lucius murmured and
sounded strangely subdued.
“I don't understand.”
“Sev, that man... That man's not normal. He's...”
“Powerful. I know. I could feel it.”
“Not just that. There's... Look, just be careful. He can help you, make you
into something great and fantastic. It's worth the risk, but... Sev, you cannot
ever make that man angry with you. Do you understand?”
Severus looked at him, scrutinizing the pale shade of his skin, the worry in
his gray eyes, and the faintest shaking in his hands.
“That really is Lord Voldemort, isn't he?”
“Yes.”
Severus took a breath and leaned against the bar with sudden weakness. “Merlin,
and I just...”
“Yes. You did. You idiot.”
“I'm going to die.”
Lucius's lips quirked into a weak smirk. “No. I think you amused him. He's not
used to that kind of spirit, I suppose.”
“No. No, he wouldn't be, would he.”
They didn't stay much longer. Seconds after realizing just what he'd done,
Severus was overcome with shaking. Lucius led him back to his room and the boys
sat stiffly on the bed as they both trembled. However, much as Lord Voldemort
terrified him, Severus couldn't help being intrigued. Perhaps Lucius was right.
Perhaps the risk was worth it. Lord Voldemort had connections. His followers
came from every sect of wizarding society. He could get his name known, gain
fortune and fame. Once he got his potions mastery, who knew what doors these
high placed friends could open for him?
He'd never have to go back to Spinner's End.
He had to think.
Once the trembling stopped, Severus changed back into his clothes and folded
the new robes up carefully. Lucius walked him out of the manor to the
apparition point, gave the last farewell, and then Severus went home, straight
to his room.
He laid back on his bed and stared at the ceiling and thought of Lord
Voldemort. The man knew about him. Maybe it was just from Lucius, but he had
enoughs kill that both of them bothered to think about and remember him. That
counted for something, right? Maybe he would take the offer. It wasn't as if he
was opposed to what Death Eaters did. Much. Maybe a little.
Maybe a lot. He was glad Lord Voldemort didn't expect an answer yet.
Severus sighed and dropped his arm over his eyes. He kept remembering the way
people moved right out of Lord Voldemort's path, how they looked at him with
fear and adoration... Severus wanted that. He wanted to be important. He wanted
to be noticed. He wanted...
He wanted to not be a poor, ugly, uncharismatic throw away.
The next morning, Severus got a letter from Lupin. He read it once then blinked
and read it again. And then one last time, but it still didn't quite make
sense. So, he read it again.
Lupin had invited him to spend the last moon of summer with him. That... didn't
make sense. It wasn't like they were friends. They weren't. They were just...
Pack. That sounded strangely intimate, but it was the only way he could think
about them in relation to each other. So why would Lupin...?
Severus ended up accepting the invitation. His mother was relieved. The wards
took a lot out of her and she didn't like having to see him so ripped up after.
He didn't blame her for it.
Therefore, the morning before the full moon, Severus apparated to London with
an overnight bag and met Lupin's father. Mr. Lupin had a kind face and sad,
puppyish brown eyes. His blond hair was thinning on top and clipped cleanly. He
wasn't very tall (Severus had several inches on him) and had a hopeful air
around him that was worsened by the pleasant expression on his face. Severus
wasn't quite sure what to make of him.
“And you would be Severus?” Mr. Lupin greeted with a smile, holding out his
hand. Severus stared at him and then took it as if he thought the man might
bite him. Mr. Lupin brightened. “It's nice to meet you. I'm glad you'll be with
us for the next few days.”
Severus nodded stiffly. “Yes, sir.”
“Oh, no need for formalities! Lets get back to the farm then, shall we?”
Keeping a hold on Severus's hand, Mr. Lupin side-apparated them. Severus
stumbled a bit when his feet hit the ground again and then looked around.
The Lupins lived on a small subsistence farm. It was rather nice to look at,
really. There were lots of trees and a little pond beside their small home. He
could just see a cellar door a ways from the house, set into the ground. There
were two fields just behind the house and a small barn. Severus hadn't known
what he was expecting but it wasn't this.
A short woman with graying, light brown hair stepped out the front door, a dish
in her hands that she was drying with a towel. She had the same pleasant look
to her face as Mr. Lupin, and the same sad eyes.
“Welcome back, John. This is him, hm?” She looked Severus over but he didn't
get the feeling she was judging him. It was a weird though. “Welcome to our
home, Severus. I hope you enjoy the visit.”
He doubted it, but still nodded. “Yes, ma'am.”
Mrs. Lupin tittered a little. “Such a polite young man! Oh, I can't contain
myself!”
Severus took an involuntary step back and just stared at her. Mr. Lupin
chuckled.
“Come on, Marny, you'll scare the poor boy off. Where's Remus?”
“Oh, in his room. Just take your bag there, Severus, we've already gotten
things ready for you boys. Second door to the right along the hallway.”
Severus quickly left their company after a quiet thanks. He felt completely out
of his depth. Hopefully, Lupin wouldn't be as hard to handle. Severus shook his
head a little and headed off for the directed door only to stop dead when it
opened and Sirius Black stared back at him. Damn it.
***** So Live *****
Severus was surprised when he didn't immediately get hit in the face. Black
backpedaled with a yip that drew Severus' brow upwards and then the bigger boy
scowled.
“What the bloody hell are you doing here?” he sneered out. Severus sighed and
his hand tightened on the strap of his overnight bag.
“Right now, I'm wondering.”
Black scowled but before he could say anything more, Lupin grabbed his shoulder
and dragged him back a bit.
“Hello, Snape.”
“Lupin.”
“I'm glad you came.”
Severus nodded a bit, eyes sliding back to Black, who looked absolutely
incredulous.
“This is why Prongs and I can't stay tonight?!”
“Yes.” Lupin let go of him and crossed his arms over his chest. “You spent the
last one with me. At least let Snape have one calm moon before school starts
again.”
Severus frowned. What did that mean? But he wasn't to get an answer just yet.
Black decided he didn't much care for the arrangement. He ranted and raved but
Lupin was having none of it. Secretly, Severus felt rather pleased to have the
other werewolf fight for him, even if it was so surreal. And then Potter and
Pettigrew, who had been hiding farther in Lupin's room, got into it. Had he not
wanted to cause trouble for the Lupins, he'd have cast a silencing charm
already, underaged magic be damned- Wait a moment. He was seventeen!
Black, Potter, Pettigrew, and Lupin looked very surprised when they suddenly
weren't making noise anymore. Lupin immediately shot Severus a glare. Potter
caught on next and seethed. Black and Pettigrew were still trying very hard to
scream and couldn't get anything out. Severus glared at the lot of them.
“Idiots.” That caught Black and Pettigrew's attention. Severus crossed his arms
over his chest, holding his wand. “Look. I'll just go home. I didn't know I was
inconveniencing you.”
Potter had the decency to look surprised and maybe just the faintest bit
embarrassed. Lupin, on the other hand, immediately shook his head in a firm no
that Severus ignored.
“Anyway. Finite Incantatem.” And Severus pulled the door shut with a slam and
started back down the hall. He heard the yelling start again and ignored it.
Damn it. His face felt hot and there was a weird lump in his chest. Merlin. He
shouldn't have bothered.
Mrs. Lupin looked vary surprised when he came out, still holding his bag. She
caught his arm before he could get farther than the kitchen and Severus
flinched, giving her a sudden, fugitive look.
“Oh, honey...” She was so sympathetic. “Come on, I'll get you some pie.”
Severus tried to protest, managed something about leaving, but by then Mrs.
Lupin already had him sitting at the kitchen table and a plate with a large
piece of chocolate pie sitting on it, complete with whipped cream dollop. A
perfect whipped cream dollop. How...?
Mrs. Lupin set down a fork, gave him a smile, and then went to stand in the
doorway to the kitchen as she continued drying dishes. Severus picked up his
fork and poked at the pie awkwardly. Wasn't he suppose to be gone by now...?
He stiffened when he heard the arguing escalate from down the hall and then
there was a door slamming and rushed footsteps and-
“Mum! Please tell me you stopped him!”
“Honey, what on earth are you talking about?”
Severus glanced over, shoulders hunched. He felt like some kind of criminal for
some reason. It only made him feel minimally better to know that Mrs. Lupin had
managed somehow to keep Lupin from seeing into the kitchen enough to know he
was still there.
“Severus! Sirius and James and Peter were being prats and he stormed out.”
“Well. That doesn't sound all that fun.”
The single Slytherin in the house was trying very hard not to notice that Lupin
seemed very comfortable using his first name at home.
“Did he leave? Damn it! I wanted this to go well!”
“Language!” Mrs. Lupin patted his arm. “Send the boys home, honey.”
“What?”
“Your friend's still here. Send the boys home.”
He didn't know what look was on Lupin's face, but his mother suddenly giggled.
Then there was more stomping feet and more yelling as Mrs. Lupin went back to
the sink. Severus stared down at the pie he still hadn't taken a bite of. It
was half destroyed by his picking, but that didn't make him stop.
After the yelling finally subsided, he heard grumbles and storming feet and
eventually a few half hearted farewells. And then it was quiet until Lupin
poked his head into the kitchen. Severus heard him sigh with apparent relief.
“There you are, Sev-” Severus looked at him and Lupin caught himself. “..Snape.
I thought you might have left.”
“....Your mother offered pie.”
“It's good pie.”
Severus thought he might have heard Mrs. Lupin snort as she finished up the
dishes. She hung up her dish towel and left the kitchen, giving Lupin another
pat on the arm as she went. Lupin's cheeks were reddened and he looked just
faintly out of sorts, likely from the fight he'd just had with his best
friends. Severus' eyes went wide suddenly. Lupin had fought with his best
friends. Over him. He didn't know what to think about that.
Eventually, Lupin made it over to sit down across from him. Severus glanced at
him and then looked back at the pie. Silence spread over them for quite a while
before Lupin chuckled, racking a hand back through his hair.
“...Sorry, Snape. I figured they'd be gone before you got here.”
Severus lifted a brow. “What. Were you ashamed to let them see you with me?”
“What? No!” Lupin stared at him incredulously. “Of course not. I just... You
guys don't get along well at all-”
“I hate them.”
“Granted. But, anyway, I didn't...Well, tonight's going to be uncomfortable
enough for you. I wanted to make it a little...easier, I guess.”
Severus looked at him. “...Easier. You cared enough to think about that?”
“Of course I did. I'm not a total heartless bastard, Snape.”
He had to give him that one. Severus poked at the destroyed pile of pie and
finally took a bite. It really was good pie.
“And...you're my pack.”
Severus stiffened. More of that pack nonsense. It just made him think back to
the train, when Lupin had grabbed him and hissed in his face. He still wasn't
sure how he felt about that one.
“...The last full moon. It was harder,” Severus murmured with a frown. “More
painful. Is that what you were worried about?”
Lupin blinked and then flushed. “Ah. No. Not really. But that does make
sense... You're used to going through the chance with me. It's... easier that
way. Being with packmates. I read about it.”
“Oh. Then what was it?”
The other boy was very much not looking at him. Severus had a sudden attack of
paranoid suspiciousness.
“Well?”
“It's..not very easy to talk about, Snape.”
“I don't give a damn. Spit it out already.”
Lupin sighed, scratched through his hair, and then rested his head on one hand.
“... You like Lily, right?”
Severus stiffened and didn't answer, but Lupin didn't need him to.
“Snape, do you know anything about wolf mating habits?” Lupin still wasn't
looking at him. “Wolves mate when females are in heat. Once a year, usually
between January and April... Humans aren't like that. Our females are fertile
every month and there's no telling which one will be fertile at which time.”
He wasn't quite sure what Lupin was implying but he didn't like it at all.
“Have you ever gotten laid?”
Severus dropped his fork and stared in humiliated silence. Lupin glanced at
him, reddened further, and then looked away.
“...Bad question. Anyway. Um.” More silence. Lupin fiddled with a button on his
over shirt. “It's different with werewolves. Only about half of us are feral
enough to react to heat hormones much. Some of us react to every single female
they get near and some not at all. But... You already fancy someone. It's going
to be harder for you to control it.”
“Are you saying you think I won't be able to keep my hands to myself?”
Severus's voice was very cold.
“What?! No!!” Lupin jerked up straight, staring at him with slight horror.
“Just... I wanted to warn you. I know what it's like. And...I have to... Well.
Never mind, it doesn't matter. I just didn't want it to surprise you. Like it
did me.”
Severus was still frowning. He looked back at the pie, which was looking less
and less appetizing as the seconds went by. Finally, he managed a begrudging
thanks for the warning.
***** And Learn *****
The rest of the day was, thankfully, not nearly as awkward. Severus helped
Remus work in the garden, since the idea of chatting it up anymore made him
absolutely uncomfortable. And it needed to be done anyway. They didn't speak
much past “let me see the hoe,” or, “is that a centipede?”
Thank Merlin they didn't talk anymore about heat or mating or wolves. Severus
might have had to rip out his own eardrums.
Mrs. Lupin made a very nice lunch and then a very nice dinner after. Severus
didn't find it hard to eat until he was almost sick both times. He felt a
little better when he saw Lupin doing the same. Both parents didn't seem to
mind how quiet the boys were. And perhaps they were a little amused by the shy,
rather embarrassed looks both kept giving each other.
Severus felt a great sense of relief when night closed in. He and Lupin went
out to the cellar, dragging back the doors and stepping down. The walls were
pressed earth and smelled of wet, but the cool air below was comforting none
the less. Lupin tugged a hanging light on. Shelves lined the rather wide
cellar, stalked tall with cans, jars, and boxes marked in tidy script.
“We should be comfortable here... Put your clothes over there,” Lupin murmured
as he started tugging off his over shirt. Severus stopped dead.
“Wait. We're undressing in front of each other?”
“Does it look like there's a curtain around?”
Severus stared at him. Lupin stared right back. Then he sighed a bit, shook his
head, and turned his back on the other boy.
“I promise not to peek.”
Severus snorted. As if Lupin would have any interest in looking anyway. It
wasn't like Severus had breasts.
They undressed and stashed their clothing without looking at one another. Then
they sat down against one clear wall and waited. Severus hugged his bony knees
to his chest, itching under his skin as the moon's power flowed through him,
getting him ready for the change. He closed his eyes, almost relaxing into it,
then -
“What the hell gave you that?”
Severus blinked and looked over to find Lupin staring at him. He'd have been
utterly horrified that the naked boy was looking at his naked self, but instead
followed Lupin's wide eyes down to the rather large bunch of bruising along his
hip and side. There were other marks elsewhere, but he had to admit that this
was a particularly spectacular piece of work. What had that been from again...?
He thought back and then found the obvious answer. Oh. Yes. He'd pissed
Grandfather Snape off the night before. He'd been pretty sure that was bleeding
in places before he'd gone to sleep, but oh well. Werewolf healing and all
that.
“I fell.”
“Like hell you f-unngh!”
Saved by the moon. It warped their bodies and Severus had faint comfort that it
wasn't nearly as painful as last time before his mind disappeared and the wolf
took over.
The wolf liked having a bit more space than last time, but he missed his usual
hunting grounds. This smelled like his pack leader and some large dog and some
prey? Prey that wasn't around for him to eat. Still, it was betting having the
other wolf there. They fought and sniffed about and then curled up against each
others' fur when the night waned.
Severus woke up to the feeling of fingers brushing through his hair. He was too
sore and warm to move at first, but the unfamiliar feeling nagged at him long
enough that he finally opened his eyes... Lupin.
Somehow, Severus managed to get across the cellar in less than a second. “What
the hell, Lupin?!”
The other boy lifted a brow and sat up with a shrug. “You were dreaming.”
“And that means you can invade my personal space?!”
“Well, you were laying on me. I thought you might need the sleep.”
Severus wondered if he could die of embarrassment. Blessedly, Lupin decided not
to continue the awkward, upsetting line of conversation. Instead, he got up and
began to dress, tossing Severus' clothing to him. The Slytherin pulled on his
clothes faster than he could ever remember.
Mrs. Lupin showed up soon enough and took both boys to bed. She made them gulp
down a healing potion each and then they were out as soon as their heads hit
the pillow. At least Severus did. He slid in and out of consciousness, as
usual, sometimes to Mrs. Lupin making him drink water or potion, sometimes to
voices talking in hushed tones. It didn't really matter to him much.
Evening rolled around before Severus woke for real, also normal. He sat up and
yawned, running a hand back through his hair. He was still sore and tired, but
at least he didn't feel like utter shit anymore. Lupin wasn't there, which
comforted him faintly, but just prompted Severus to get up and find the boy. He
stumbled a bit in the hallway and nearly cursed at a stubbed toe, but managed
to keep it down. Especially when he heard voices in the kitchen. They were
muffled at first, but Severus crept close with the skill of years living with
Snapes.
“Honey, even if he's being hurt, you know we can't do anything about it unless
there's proof,” he heard Mrs. Lupin murmuring and suddenly he went cold.
“Oh, there's proof all right. Mum, you should have seen his hip! And if that
was still there last night... I don't even want to know what was there before.
It looked bone deep already!”
“Now, son, think about it. With what he is now.. Proof might disappear too
quickly to be documented-”
“But if that poor boy will just come forward-”
“No. I don't think Severus would even think to.” Lupin sounded so sad.
Severus was just angry. How dare they talk about him behind his back. How dare
they think about bringing his shame to light. How dare they think he would!
It's not like any of that even mattered! It was like Grandfather Snape said.
The day he became a man, he wouldn't have to deal with this shit anyway. So
what did it matter?!
Going back to Lupin's room, Severus found his overnight bag and made sure all
of his things where there. Then he threw it over one shoulder and stormed right
out of the house, slamming the door behind him. He heard voices, heard the door
open again and someone shout his name, but he was too angry to stop walking.
Lupin grabbed his arm and hauled him back with strength Severus didn't know he
had in him.
“Severus, wait!”
“Let me go, you filthy mongrel!”
Lupin's eyes went wide but Severus was too enraged to care. He jerked his arm
out of Lupin's weakened hold and before he could even think about it, he was
punching Lupin in the face. And Lupin took it, stumbling back a few steps. When
he looked back up, there was blood dripping from his nose an and he still
looked so very shocked. Somewhere near the door, Severus heard Mr. and Mrs.
Lupin yell something.
“No more!” Severus roared. “No more letters, no more talking, no more pack! I'm
finished with you, Lupin. I want nothing to do with you. You and all your self-
righteous hero bullshit! As if you have any right to talk about my family that
way! Just leave me the hell alone.”
Lupin opened his mouth to say something but before he could get it out, Severus
had managed to apparate.
He didn't go home. His parents weren't expecting him until tomorrow anyway.
Instead, Severus found himself at the park he and Lily used to play in when
they were younger. It wasn't much of a park, just a block of empty space that
happened to be covered in grass. People walked their dogs there sometimes.
There wasn't anyone there after twilight, not in this neighborhood. Severus sat
against the only tree in the whole place, pulled his knees to his chest, and
rested his forehead on his knees.
Damn it.
He didn't even know why he was so angry. He should have been happy anyone
noticed him. Even if it was bloody Lupin and his too-nice parents. But he
hadn't been happy. Not at all. Severus didn't hate his family, much as he
should have. He wasn't sure he loved them, but they were his. He couldn't say
the same for much else.
At some point that night, much later than he should have been out in a factory
district, it started to rain. Severus finally levered himself in and went home,
sneaking into the house as quietly as he could. He froze halfway to his
bedroom, hearing something shift in the house, but it went quiet after and he
continued. Severus dried himself off with one of his blankets, dressed in
pajamas, and crawled into bed. He barely slept, plagued with a horrible,
unfamiliar guilt over what he'd said and done to Lupin. But it was Lupin's own
fault. Not his. Lupin didn't have to stick his nose into every little
problem...
Severus woke up to his mother knocking on the door and the sound of continued
rainfall outside. He lifted his head, looking with bleary confusion at the
closed door. His mother never bothered him, usually. With a sigh, he levered
himself out of bed and opened the door.
“...What is it?”
“Oh.” She stared at him a moment, as if surprised he'd bothered to wake up for
her. “There's someone here to see you.”
Who the hell? Maybe he'd get lucky and it was Lucius, though he couldn't think
why the blond would come to a muggle house and no one else knew where he lived.
Severus yawned a bit and followed Eileen out to the front walk. He blinked when
he noticed his father standing with his arms cross over his chest, glaring
through the open front door. Curious and confused, Severus glanced at him and
then stepped past to see who was waiting.
It ended up being a very waterlogged Remus Lupin in a rain coat. Damn it.
“Please don't slam the door shut in my face,” Lupin had the gall to say.
Severus grabbed the door and nearly did on principle.
“What do you want, Lupin?”
Behind him, Severus heard his father's intake of breath and then Tobias grabbed
his son's shoulder as he stepped up to his side, his expression hardening
further.
“Lupin,” Tobias ground out. “Remus Lupin?”
“Yes, sir.”
“You're the monster that attacked my son.”
Severus paled and went very still. His father sounded murderous.
***** And Hope To Merlin *****
Lupin didn't look like he was breathing. Tobias' hand tightened on Severus'
shoulder but all the Slytherin could think to do was keep still and quiet.
“Leave,” Tobias growled. “Don't bother us. You've done enough damage.”
“Sir, I just want to talk-”
“If you don't leave now, wizard or not, werewolf or not, I'm calling the
authorities. Get off my property.”
Lupin's eyes flickered from Tobias' coldly enraged face to Severus and then
back again. After a strained few seconds that felt like hours, he took a step
back. And then another one. And then he turned around and disappeared. Tobias
let go of him and closed the door. They stood there in total silence, neither
moving. Severus knew his father was looking at him but he couldn't meet that
gaze.
“If he comes by again, I'll have him arrested,” Tobias said quietly. It sounded
halfway between a threat and a comfort. Severus glanced at him but quickly
dropped his gaze again.
“He won't.”
They were quiet again. Severus picked at the edge of his t-shirt.
“Kitchen. Your mother has breakfast for you.”
Severus left without another word, glad for the dismissal. He heard his father
mutter something and then head to the living room, but by then, Severus was
safely in his mother's presence. She'd cooked a big meal. He noticed she did
that around full moons now. Maybe to help him recover. He thanked her, at any
rate, and ate quickly before helping her clean up. From the living room, he
could hear Grandfather Snape complaining about something and Tobias answering
with some sarcastic insult.
Maybe... Maybe this was why he'd been so angry. Sure, his family wasn't
perfect, but they were his. And they cared, in their own way. Mostly. Bloody
Lupin. He didn't understand at all.
Lupin didn't write again. Severus wasn't sure if he was glad or not. The summer
went on. He visited Lucius a few times, thankfully without meeting up with Lord
Voldemort again, but that was more from his unspoken agreement with Lucius not
to attend any more of the Malfoy parties. At least for now.
At home, things were... normal. Severus spent time in his room once his chores
were done and avoided the adults. He listened to his father and grandfather
bicker, or his grandfather just yelling at one or both parents. In a way, the
noise was soothing. Familiar.
Severus notched off days on a rough, hand made calendar. He tended to make one
at the beginning of the summer, just for those few months he wasn't at
Hogwarts. Most of the days were ticked off in thick red lines. Three weeks
before the start of term, Severus received his letter and the scholarship
disbursement for his books. He and Eileen then went up to Diagon Alley to get
books, supplies, and then back home for Eileen to fit his old robes. He hadn't
grown much in the last year, but he had gotten thinner. Eileen took in the
robes a bit, fixed a frayed hem along one cuff and the bottom, and then
reinforced all the hems, just to make sure. Severus always liked these days
before the fall term began, if only because she fussed over him.
A week before September, Severus made his biggest fuck up ever.
It seemed small. Severus was helping his mother drag out a bunch of old quilts
to air them. Eileen had meant to do this last year, but things had come up and
the task was set aside for later. Severus didn't mind helping, though the dust
bothered his nose. He and Eileen sneezed every few minutes as they beat the
quilts and hung them along the line across the garden.
As Severus tugged on of the last quilts out of the trunk, it caught on a rough
edge. He frowned, trying to tug it loose and then scowled farther when he heard
an unfortunate rip between three squared. Eileen looked over with surprise and
then helped him get the bloody thing free before looking at the damage.
“It's not much. I can probably fix this,” she murmured, running her fingers
over the ripped edges of old cloth. The thing looked a hundred years old or so.
Severus wasn't even sure it could still be used, easily as it had torn.
Before either of them could think much about it, the back door opened and
Grandfather Snape wheeled out onto the grass.
“Bitch, there's no goddamn lemonade. What the hell have I told you about my
lemonade?”
Eileen sighed a little and got up from examining the quilt. She murmured a tiny
apology and hurried into the house to accept the man's “request”. Severus
glanced after her and then his eyes were drawn back to his grandfather who, for
once, was not glaring at him. Instead, the old man stared at the torn quilt in
his hands and his skin went pale. Severus blinked and then felt a cold terror
in his chest when Grandfather Snape turned his gaze onto the boy.
Oh fuck.
“You,” Grandfather Snape hissed out as he took hold of his cane. His eyes were
wide and nearly red with rage, lips curled back and half rotten teeth clenched
so tightly they could have busted right then. His face was almost purpling.
Severus had never seen him so angry. He couldn't even move.
The cane came down smartly across his face but even that and the blood that
began immediately to stream from his nose wasn't enough to shock him into
movement.
“That was Vivianne's, you bloody bastard!”
There wasn't even time to remember who Vivianne was before the cane cracked
into him again and he saw stars. Grandfather Snape continued to scream at him
as he brought the cane against him over and over. Severus tried to cover his
head, curling up on the ground with the quilt still clutched to his chest. The
cane cracked against his back and he felt something break and screamed but it
didn't stop. Over and over and over and he was crying like a bloody girl but it
hurt so much and he couldn't even think, his vision doubled-
And then it stopped. He couldn't move, curled up against the grass as a
sobbing, shaking wreck. He thought he heard his mother's voice, something
hitting the ground, but his blood rushed through his ears so hot and loud. And
then everything went black.
He woke up in his bedroom and it hurt to breathe. Sitting next to the bed was
his father. Tobias looked pale and his eyes were deadened, blank. There was
dirt on his work clothes and his hands, which hung limply in his lap. Severus
wasn't really sure what to think of this.
“Your grandfather...” Tobias trailed off and his expression didn't change at
all. Severus looked at him, tired and bruised too much to move. His breathing
sounded harsh and a little wet to his own ears and he was afraid he might be
trembling faintly in his father's presence.
“Mum?” he croaked, shivering at the hoarse sound.
“She's outside.”
A faint tension left him, but that didn't make everything all right. It should
have been Eileen in here with him. Tobias had never been the comforting type.
Even now, Tobias was still just staring at him with that blank, not quite right
look on his thin face.
“What...h-happened...?”
“I don't know. When I came home...” Tobias usually only said things he meant to
finish, things he'd thought about deeply before verbalizing. He never spoke
without need and he never hesitated. “You'll stay in bed. Three broken ribs.”
Not surprising, but Grandfather Snape generally didn't beat him so severely. He
vaguely remembered something before things went hazy. “Who's... Vivianne..?”
“Your grandmother. She died before you were born.”
Oh. That explained things. No wonder Grandfather Snape had been so angry.
Though, Severus found it hard to imagine the old man caring about anyone but
himself enough to get so angry over a ripped quilt.
His father didn't seem intent on saying anything more for now. After a few
minutes of quiet and staring, Tobias got up and left, closing the door quietly
behind him.
Another day passed before he found out what happened and that was only because
he noticed a strange quiet over the house and asked when his father brought him
dinner.
“Where's Grandfather?” Severus' voice had cleared, throat healing easily enough
from screaming while his ribs took a slower rate, bruises slowly fading off as
well.
Tobias looked at him steadily and then set the dinner tray down on his bedside
table. He sat down on the chair that had remained at Severus' bedside.
“He's dead.”
Severus didn't know why it shocked him so much but he fell silent and just
stared at his father. Tobias didn't look sad, still just... empty. Severus
wondered if he looked that way too.
“Where's Mum?”
“Resting.” The way he said it set Severus on edge, but Tobias wasn't about to
elaborate. Not yet.
“How did..”
“Heart attack. He was old.”
Severus doubted it. He'd never doubted anything as much as that statement, but
he didn't call the man on it.
There was no funeral but Tobias took a week from work off anyway. He informed
the family. No one really cared except Great Aunt Esther, and that was just her
asking for his medals so she could sell them at the next flea market. Tobias
sent the damn things in the mail the next morning. Grandfather Snape's body was
burned. Tobias conveniently forgot to pick up the ashes and when the funeral
home called, he told them to throw Grandfather Snape's urn away.
Severus was well enough to get out of bed by the third day, but Tobias made him
stay until the fourth anyway. Finally, Severus left his room. He showered,
tidied up the bed, and then went to find his mother, who hadn't shown herself
the entire while he recovered.
When he did find her, he wished he hadn't. Eileen sat on the edge of her shared
bed with Tobias. She stared ahead, hands clasped in her lap. She was still
wearing the clothes she had been the last time he saw her and he felt sick
nausea when he noticed the dried blood stains across her chest and along her
arms. His? He didn't know, but it looked so wrong on her.
“Mum?”
She didn't respond and didn't even look at him when he came round and knelt in
front of her. Severus did everything he could think of to rouse her attention,
but nothing. As if she was just gone. His chest hurt and it had nothing to do
with knitting bones.
Tobias found him eventually and pulled him from the comatose woman. Severus
didn't even care that the man had seen him crying. It was the greatest godsend
that Tobias didn't say anything about it. He didn't say a damned word.
***** It Gets Better *****
Eileen still hadn't spoken before Severus went to school, but that morning, she
was in the kitchen making breakfast when he got up, tugging his trunk behind
him. He thought she was better. She wasn't. She still didn't look at him or his
father.
Breakfast was quiet. After, Tobias walked Severus out to the closest spot near
by they could find for him to apparate from.
“She'll get better,” Tobias told him. Severus nodded but he didn't think she
would. There was something more to the story she refused to tell either of
them. Like why she'd been covered in streaks of blood when Tobias swore there
were no wounds on Grandfather Snape's body.
Severus set his trunk straight and hesitated. His father stared back at him,
quiet and grim.
“That boy goes to school with you.”
“Yes.” No point in lying.
“If he bothers you, I'll have him expelled.”
Severus wasn't comforted to hear it, mostly because he knew Dumbledore would
never expel one of his precious Marauders. Still, he gave a quiet, “Thank you.”
They stared at each other for a little while. Severus could feel Tobias
following the dark marks still decorating his face near his left ear and under
his eye. His body seemed to decided the ribs were more important, so it was
just starting to really get at the minor damage. Then Tobias turned without
another word and headed back home. Severus watched him go. He wondered then if
his father's back had ever seemed so thin and burdened before and when Severus
had stopped being so intimidated by him.
Shaking his head, Severus apparated and got to King's Cross to catch the train.
He managed to avoid most unpleasantness by getting there early and quickly
secured a compartment before most students began trickling into the station.
Through the window, Severus saw Avery and Wilkes. He was surprised to see how
they'd buffed up over the summer, settling into more adult bodies that might
get even bigger. Rosier trickled in next and Severus was a little surprised
when he didn't see Mulciber anywhere. Then he blinked and remembered that
Mulciber had been a seventh year. He wasn't coming back. It was about as
shocking as when he'd come back for third year and realized Lucius wouldn't be
coming back either. Severus had never been close to Mulciber, but he'd known
the older boy was watching out for all of them, even if just to make sure he
had dirt on them later on.
Then Severus saw Lupin. Surrounded by Potter, Black, and Pettigrew, Lupin
should have been laughing easily and happy, but he wasn't. Severus narrowed his
eyes. Black was telling a joke, all wide gestures and big mouth, Pettigrew
already laughing even though he wasn't finished yet, Potter with a hand on
Lupin's shoulder, but though Lupin was smiling, Severus knew it wasn't real.
He wasn't sure why he cared, but he did. Lupin was suppose to smile freely. He
was suppose to be easy going. He was- stopping in the middle of the platform
like he'd seen a ghost. Severus narrowed his eyes, watching. He recognized the
faint head movement of taking in scent and this close to the first full moon of
the school year, Severus wouldn't be surprised if Lupin could track it and he
was fairly sure it was him Lupin had caught wind of. The sudden heavy look of
regret damn well confirmed it.
As Black and Potter noticed something was up, Severus stopped looking. His
chest felt tight. The ribs were still tender. That had to be why. It wasn't
like he gave a damn.
Rosier found him first and Severus felt the other Slytherin's eyes drop to his
bruised face but Rosier knew better than to say anything. It wouldn't be the
first time a Slytherin bore marks coming back from summer, nor the first time
Severus had. They chatted amiably until Avery and Wilkes made it there, then
the four of them began a round of exploding snap for lack of anything better to
do. The train started without them bothering to notice. All in all, it was a
rather pleasant trip, even if Wilkes had to leave part way through to meet the
other Prefects.
Soon enough, they got to their destination. The three remaining Slytherin
seventh years headed out to claim a carriage for themselves. Severus heard
Wilkes yelling at a couple younger kids to either get them faster over to their
carriages or to the growing group of first years. It was amazing, really,
seeing how young those kids looked. Of course, they were only ten or eleven,
but it still surprised him. Shaking his head, Severus climbed in after Avery
and spent the ride there listening to the shorter boy pick on Rosier for his
long, bouncing curls, since Wilkes wasn't around to stick up for him. Rosier
just blushed and ducked into his hood with a little sigh.
“Mother wanted me to look presentable,” he muttered, tugging at one curl. Avery
snickered.
“Oh, yeah, real presentable. For a fag.”
Instead of flushing and getting angry like he should have, Rosier blanched.
Avery caught it, as did Severus.
“Wait a minute,” Avery murmured with an incredulous stare. “You're not-”
“Of course not!” Rosier squeaked.
“You're a bloody pouf!”
“I am not! Stop calling me names before I hex you into next week!”
Severus just blinked and stayed out of it as the two fought. Fag? Could Rosier
really be... that way? He thought about it logically. Since last year, he had
noticed Rosier spending an inordinate amount of time with Wilkes. They were
rarely apart, even when Wilkes had his Prefect duties. And Severus didn't
remember a time Rosier had genuine interest in any of the girls. Huh. It could
be true. Severus wasn't sure how he felt about that. Merlin, they slept in the
same room. What if he'd been ogling- That thought paused and Severus nearly
snorted at the idea that anyone, even a fag, would ever look at him twice.
He decided it didn't matter if Rosier was that way. Or Wilkes, for that matter,
if he was as well. Actually, Severus had the oddest urge to congratulate them,
but he didn't think Avery would be all that thrilled with the acceptance. Hell,
he might even accuse Severus of being a fag, despite the well known fact that
he was and always had been in love with Lily Evans.
Speaking of Lily. Severus fumbled getting out of the carriage when he saw her.
She'd curled her hair for the trip and the deep red locks fluttered around her
shoulders and over her back. She looked positively angelic and he felt his
heart light just watching her. Then Avery shoved him out of the way to get out,
grumbling under his breath about bloody poufs. Severus rolled his eyes and
ended up stopping Rosier just outside the carriage.
“What?” Rosier shot at him, defensive. Severus lifted a brow.
“Whether he's right or not, I don't give a damn, Evan,” he said clearly and
watched the boy's blue eyes widen. “Honestly. I could care less. It's not like
you're any different than you were on the train.”
Rosier stared at him critically, searching for any sign that he might be lying
and suddenly Severus knew it was true. Rosier was a fag. And he still didn't
care. Finally, Rosier gave a terse nod.
“...Thanks,” he said quietly. “...You know, Sev. You're one of the nicest, most
honorable guys I've ever met.”
Severus blinked and then he felt a little queasy. Well that wasn't a good
Slytherin trait. Rosier grinned at him.
“Oh, don't be that way. You know what I mean.”
“No, I rather don't.”
It was Rosier's turn to blink. “What, honestly?”
“Honestly. It's not as if I go about in armor, saving damsels or anything.”
Severus folded his arms over his chest as they started towards the castle,
Rosier snickering beside him.
“Oh no. You start doing that and I'll be looking for Imperius,” the blond
quipped. “But seriously. I just kinda noticed it. Like when you started
tutoring the younger years-”
“Only to bring up Slytherin in the grade rankings. Can't let Ravenclaw win
everything.”
“Or how you keep those Gryffindor blockheads from noticing anyone else-”
“Purely because I loathe them enough for the whole house.”
“There is the fact that you don't seem to care about me-”
“Because it honestly doesn't matter.” Severus sighed with exasperation. “I'm
not a saint, Rosier. Stop painting me as such.”
“Blimey, you just can't take a compliment, can you?” Rosier shot back, a brow
raised. His eyes slid to his bruised cheek. Severus didn't like it, so he kept
the banter going.
“When they're empty and false, of course not.”
Rosier rolled his eyes. “Ugh. You're horrible.”
“At last. Something we can agree on.” Severus muttered and Rosier just
snickered a bit.
The feast was rather enjoyable, if only for watching the new firsties look so
little and pathetic and terrified. Severus was rather sure enjoying that
completely negated whatever 'honorable' notions Rosier supposed he had. Ugh.
A full belly made him tired and lethargic. He followed his housemates down to
the dungeons. Avery was still shooting Rosier nasty looks, even after Wilkes
told him to knock off being an asrse. And then Avery sent him nasty looks, but
Severus doubted it had anything to do with his own suspicions. He watched
Rosier and Wilkes closely, how they interacted. There was nothing in their
speech or actions that told of a forbidden romance, but he hadn't honestly
thought he'd find any. They were Slytherins and, like most of the house, they
at least knew discretion.
It all made Severus wonder, however. What would it be like with a boy? He was
old enough to know how things went with girls, but how on earth did it work
between boys? Was there anything more than... well, jerking? He thought about
asking Rosier sometime but that idea was squashed unmercifully. No. It wasn't
as if he'd need to know, anyway. But he could wonder.
He wondered if a boy's hand felt different against skin than a girl's. Girls
were all soft curves and fluff. Boys tended to be hard angles and strength.
Where a girl's hand was light and smooth, a boy's was calloused and rough.
Severus laid back on his bed, staring at the ceiling. What would it be like..?
It was easy to imagine a girl. Lily's soft hands sliding over his skin,
caressing him with her lips, pressing her curvy, warm body against his own. He
could hear her sighs and see the way her skin would flush as he touched her,
caressed her, loved her. As he let the images flow over his mind, he felt his
body responding slowly. Severus let it and continued to imagine. She'd feel so
hot and wet inside and before he took her, he'd make her writhe and whimper
under him...
And then the images changed. Suddenly, there was a rough hand pressing against
his chest, another sliding down his hip, calloused fingertips itching his skin
deliciously. Severus drew in a shallow breath and then stopped breathing as he
felt strong fingers curl around his hardened length and touch perfectly, with
the knowledge of having done this so many times. A hot mouth nibbled and licked
along his skin, claiming as that hand bound him like a wire until it finally
broke and he nearly cried out with hot joy.
Severus snapped his eyes open, staring up blankly as he panted softly. After a
few moments, he glanced down at his own hand down his pants and mussed with
completion. Wait. Did this mean he was gay?
***** So That One Day *****
Severus was decidedly not going to be gay. It was all well and good for Rosier
and maybe Wilkes, but not Severus bloody Snape. He had no illusions of whether
or not his father would beat him bloody or dead. Ugh. Besides, he couldn't be a
fag. He loved Lily Evans to the bounds of his soul. Therefore, it had just been
a silly daydream. Nothing more. He'd make it nothing more. One little fantasy
certainly wasn't enough to change his entire sexual orientation.
Except it wasn't just one little fantasy. As the first week dragged on, Severus
found himself bombarded at random with sudden arousal. Unfortunately, it tended
to happen more around Lily, which embarrassed the ever living hell out of him.
He wanked more often and harder than he had in his life.
The full moon that next weekend was almost a welcomed relief. Surely, this mad
rush of hormones would leave him the bloody hell alone as a beast. In his need
to escape the unwelcomed bursts of arousal, he forgot that Lupin would be there
as well.
Severus jolted a bit when he spied the boy, who went very still and stared at
him. After a bit, Lupin went back to the bedroom without either of them
speaking. Severus undressed and waited for the moon to change him. Surely, he
wouldn't have to deal with these damned hormones as a beast.
The change came rapidly and for once, Severus didn't mind the pain. His body
shifted and contorted and finally, the wolf stood and stretched his aches away.
There was a need in him, a great, sucking need to mate. He could smell her.
Even this far away, he could smell her and she was ready and it was time. He
had to mate now or it would be too late. As the black wolf whined and barked
and scratched at walls, desperate to find a way out, the brown wolf suddenly
pounced. They tumbled and rough housed and bit the crap out of each other. In
the intervals between, the black wolf continued trying to find freedom and
failed, only to be pounced once more. He almost hated his pack leader for
getting in his way.
Severus woke to a soft gasp. He opened his eyes, lifting his head from the
pillow of his folded arms, and scowled at Lupin. The shorter boy stared, his
cheeks pinked.
“What?” Severus snarled at him. Lupin jumped, eyes redirecting to his face.
“Ah. Nothing.” And then Lupin fled to the bedroom.
Severus scowled and got up, and then he shuddered. What the- for the love of
Merlin! He glared down at the inappropriateness of his anatomy and took care of
it with clinical preciseness. Hormones be damned, couldn't he ever catch a
break?!
He dressed and thankfully, Lupin didn't come out until Madam Pomfrey came to
fetch them. She fixed them up and sent them off. Before Severus could get far,
Lupin grabbed his arm and even through his shirt sleeve, that firm pressure
made him shiver. Severus ripped his arm free and gave Lupin the nastiest glare
he could manage.
“What do you what?”
“To apologize,” Lupin replied meekly, glancing away as he scratched at the back
of his neck. “For...before.”
Severus scowled and folded his arms over his chest with defensive tightness.
“And what do you think you did wrong? I want you to know exactly why I'm angry
with you.”
Lupin pursed his lips, but he didn't seem all that surprised. He thought about
it a bit, then answered. “For talking behind your back. And insinuating your
family would...”
“You were wrong.”
“Yes.”
Severus nodded a bit, satisfied, but that didn't mean he had to let Lupin off
the hook. He was still angry about it. “Fine. You've apologized. Now apologize
further by leaving me the hell alone.”
Lupin glanced at him and looked like he was about to say something, but he
thought better of it and closed his mouth, merely nodding instead. That done,
Severus left him be and went to recover in his dorm room.
The horrible prevalence of arousal finally staved off a day or so after that.
Severus gave whispered thanks to whatever deities or wizards that might be
watching over him. Now that that was over with, he could get to his studies,
whatever that had been
Dumbledore called him into his office farther into September. Severus felt a
bit nervous, but he hadn't done anything wrong. Even Potter and his idiots
hadn't bothered him much. He hated to think that was Lupin's doing. There was
nothing he wanted less than to be in the other's debt.
“Ah, Severus, my boy,” Dumbledore greeted warmly as he waved to a chair.
Severus sat but he declined the offered lemon drop. “Now then. I've been
looking over your grades from the last year and I've decided to offer
you...specialized training.”
Severus frowned, instantly suspicious. When had Dumbledore ever given a damn
about him before?
“What kind of training?”
“I'm sure at some point, considering your high marks in Defense Against the
Dark Arts, you've come across an ability known as 'Legilimency',” Dumbledore
replied and for once, the man wasn't smiled. “I understand that you've stated
in your career survey that you wish to become an Auror after Hogwarts if you
are unable to secure apprenticeship towards a Mastery in Potions.”
Severus blinked a little. Mentioning such a rare skill at seeming random, and
then his career choices in the same thought? The frown returned. What could
that possibly have to do with anything?
“...I have come across it,” Severus admitted after a moment or so. “And yes, I
do have notions towards becoming an Auror...But what does the first have to do
with the second?”
Dumbledore looked at him and for a moment, Severus wondered very suddenly if
the old man knew far more than he'd ever let on before. It was a common theory
that Dumbledore could read minds-
“You're a Legilimens,” the boy murmured in faint surprise. In retrospect, it
wasn't surprising at all.
“Yes, my boy. I am.” Dumbledore folded his hands on his desk and looked at
Severus steadily with that same seriousness that almost scared him. “Legilimens
are taught by other Legilimens. There is no other way to get the training.”
“Are you offering..?”
“In a way.” Dumbledore sighed a little. “More correctly, I am offering to teach
you the other side, Occlumency, but in doing so, you will learn Legilimency at
the same time.”
Severus stared. The power to wrap his mind in a defensive shroud and to delve
into the minds of others...? It was an awesome responsibility and Dumbledore
trusted him...? “How...Why?”
“Because I have a feeling in my bones it may be needed.” Dumbledore smiled but
it wasn't pleasant at all. “I have lived this long following my instincts,
Severus. Now is no different. Will you accept the training? It will not be easy
and you will not enjoy it. In subjecting yourself, you will allow me entrance
into your thoughts, your feelings, your memories. And I will attack them
continuously.”
The Slytherin swallowed thickly, feeling shaky at the very idea. But even at
such a cost, could he really give up the opportunity to show himself as worthy
of Dumbledore's attention...?
“You don't have to decide now-”
“Yes.”
Dumbledore looked at him, silent and solemn.
“Yes. I'll do it. When do we start?” Severus sounded quite a bit more steady
and strong than he actually felt. It was terrifying, the idea of anyone
invading his mind so blatantly, but he would do it. At least Dumbledore would
never use that knowledge against him. At least after, no one else would be able
to do it, either.
They set up a schedule quickly enough and then Severus left with his heart in
his throat. By Merlin, just what had he agreed to? The schedule would be
murderous along with his class load. Before anything else, he happened to pass
the Gobstone team captain and quit. Graham wasn't happy with him, but there was
little he could do about it. Besides, just because Severus had quit didn't mean
the other brilliant members wouldn't bring them to victory in the next match.
He shook Severus' hand, wished him luck in his studies, and then strode off
with dignity.
Severus spent the next hour hyperventilating in an empty hallway when the real
severity of what he'd just agreed to hammered home. He shook, sweat, fretted...
Eventually, he managed to pull himself out of it and really think.
Dumbledore was sure enough the ability would be needed that he'd teach it, and
Severus doubted he'd gotten permission from the Ministry. Legilimency was
strictly controlled by the Ministry for the very reason Severus feared it so.
But for a man like Dumbledore, who had so much lose, to circumvent governmental
policies...
He really, really hoped Dumbledore was wrong, if only for what it meant to him
personally. Dumbledore expected him to need to cloud his mind. Or perhaps he
was the only one Dumbledore thought would succeed in the training? He doubted
it. After all, Phineas Abernathy had beaten him overall in scores. What if it
was just what subjects he excelled in? Again, doubtful. He'd only beaten out in
Potions, Defense, and Ancient Runes. There had to be more to the decision...
...Or did there? Perhaps it had been arbitrary. Somehow, that didn't fit with a
man like Albus Dumbledore, but there was the possibility. In the end, Severus
realized he was beginning to grasp at straws and decided to let it go for now.
Later, when he'd spent more time with the man, he'd find out.
The lessons began at the end of the week and they were easy, at first.
Dumbledore taught him various meditation exercises. He didn't need any help in
controlling his emotions. Years as a Snape and Slytherin had cemented that
nicely. Clearing his mind was much more difficult. Severus thought constantly,
an endless stream of experiences, reactions, counter-reactions. A week of
meditation for hours after classes and homework and he'd gotten the basic trick
down, but maintaining it proved the harder of the two.
And then the unwanted, completely unwarranted arousal returned a week before
October's full moon. It was nearly impossible to concentrate past it and
Dumbledore cut the sessions short for now, urging him to practice on his own
when his body wasn't rebelling so fully. With the second occurrence, Severus
figured out what was wrong. Lupin had warned him of the heat, reacting to
female ovulation hormones, but he hadn't really believed it at the time. And
now, it confused him why he wasn't bombarded by it at all times, since there
was no logical way every fertile female in Hogwarts would be ovulating at the
same time.
Severus tracked Lupin down, loathe as he was to be in the other boy's presence.
He found him with Potter and was quite unsurprised at that fact. Lupin was
rarely alone. As he came up to them in the library, he noted Potter's immediate
change in scent in reaction to perceived aggression and the thrill of a
perceived fight. Severus had thought it annoying in the beginning that when his
sense of smell heightened in the days before and directly after the full moon,
but he'd grown to appreciate it when his enemies broadcasted their feelings so
easily.
“Lupin. A word.”
Potter almost snarled something but Lupin touched his shoulder and got up,
wordlessly following Severus deeper into the library so that they wouldn't be
overheard.
***** You Feel Human *****
As soon as they were alone, Severus grabbed the front of Lupin's robes and
shoved th other boy up against the closest bookshelf.
“When. Does. This. Stop?!”
Lupin blinked a bit but the faintest draw of scent was all he needed to know
exactly what was wrong with Severus. And then he blushed, the bastard.
“Snape, it's..”
“Annoying. Unnecessary. Embarrassing, Pick one.”
“All of them?” Lupin managed lamely. “..When did it start?”
“Three days ago. Three bloody days and it's worse than the first time. It's
worse every day.”
Lupin blinked a little. “It shouldn't be worse.”
“It is. The dreams and then around her-” Severus cut himself off, fingers
tightening in the front of Lupin's robes as he looked away with near pain at
just how humiliating that was. Anytime he got near Lily, it was all he could do
not to throw the girl down and take her right then and there and so close to
the moon, he could smell her nearly across the castle.
“Around Lily.”
“Yes.”
Lupin swallowed a little. “You really are in love with her, aren't you?”
“No. Of course not. Where did you get that idea?” Severus snarled at him
sarcastically, all teeth and curled lips. He felt Lupin tense at such
aggression but he didn't really care.
“That's why. You want to mate with her.”
Severus blinked and then snorted because that wasn't funny at all. Frankly, he
felt a bit hysterical.
“How do I make it stop?!”
“You can't,” Lupin replied bluntly, looking back at him without a bit of
hesitation. “When she's...er..”
“Fertile.”
“Yeah. When she's... like that. You'll react.”
“Every month?”
“Every month you're near her or where she's been.”
Lupin's face was beet red. Severus let him go and then slumped back against the
bookshelf behind him. There wasn't a way to stop this. How the hell was he
suppose to deal with these feelings, this alien insistence? Would he have to
avoid her every month when this went on, much as his body yearned for her?
“What about you?”
Lupin blinked. “What?”
“The heat?” Severus pressed, giving the other boy a scowl. “Do you... does
it..”
“No.” Lupin shrugged a bit, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “It doesn't
affect me much. Sometimes it doesn't at all. Depends on the werewolf.”
“How bloody lucky for you.”
Severus wanted to hit him. Lupin had the grace to look apologetic. Lifting a
hand, Severus covered his eyes and clenched his jaw.
“It's not that bad-”
“Shut up, Lupin.”
Lupin shut his mouth with an audible click as Severus glared at him through his
fingers. If Lupin didn't react, he didn't understand at all. It was so hard,
keeping himself under control, staying just far enough that the temptation
wasn't too great, the sleeplessness, the spontaneous erections. He could barely
stand it all.
Severus left soon after. There wasn't anything Lupin could do, though Lupin had
promised to find a way to help. Severus sincerely doubted he'd find anything,
the useless mutt.
Lily found him a day or so later and asked if he'd help her study for her
Herbology test. He agreed without thinking about it and it was only after, when
he was heading back to his dorm, that he realized his folly. Damn it. He'd
managed to avoid being alone with her since the second heat started, for it was
far easier to control his urges when there were others around, but he just
couldn't say no when she asked for his help. Heat or not, he'd do anything for
her. Merlin help him.
Severus awoke antsy and itching with the distant moon. He went through his
classes distractedly, all the while worrying over that evening. Thankfully, no
one cared enough about his distraction to bother him. There was an outburst
during Defense Against the Dark Arts, but the professor had been asking for it
when he decided to do a dueling lesson. Avery's arm would heal just fine,
though.
At dinner, Severus was so nervous he could barely get a thing down. Rosier gave
him a worried look, but he didn't press. After, Severus gathered his book bag
and headed down to the classroom he and Lily generally studied in.
As soon as he entered the room, he knew this was a very, very bad idea. Lily
sat at a table, books already strewn about, but looked up and smiled at him
when he stepped through the door. Her scent washed over him in an instant and
he barely hid a shiver. Somehow, he managed to answer her smile with one of his
own, weak as it might have been, and then sat across from her. Maybe the table
between them would help things.
Studying was hard enough in the beginning, but as the minutes passed, it became
almost impossible. His eyes kept flickering up and tracing over her long
lashes, elegant nose, the ruby red of her lips... When she absently licked
those lush lips, he almost moaned. His pants constricted painfully around his
swollen length. If there was a hell, this was it. At least, that's what he
thought before she reached up and loosened her collar, undoing one or two
buttons, and he could see the barest edge of soft mounds-
That was it.
Severus didn't even realize he'd moved until he was suddenly kissing her, one
hand on the table as he leaned over it and the other curled around the back of
her neck. She gave a noise of surprised and her lips parted. Severus
immediately took the unintentional opening to deepen things, even as he felt
her hands at his chest, pushing him away. He couldn't stop.
And then hands grabbed him and dragged him from her. Severus yelled but strong
arms wrapped around him and he heard someone telling Lily to leave. She bolted
for the door and he tried to go after her. The strong scent of her, of his own
arousal, it wasn't enough to mask his pack leader – Damn you Lupin!
Severus managed to break free and made a move for the door, only to find
himself suddenly bodily pinned to it. He rebelled, snarling with rage, and then
sucked in a hard breath when there was suddenly a hand on his junk and all he
could do was shudder. Lupin's hot breath his his throat as he palmed him
through his pants and the musky scent of arousal wasn't just his own anymore.
Severus bit his lip hard enough to taste blood, nails digging into the door.
Lupin was hot and strong behind him and his hand moved against him to cause
delicious friction he couldn't get enough of.
“Severus,” Lupin whispered, faint and breathy and almost wet, “Severus, I'm
sorry.”
And then his pants were being opened and a hand ferreted inside, bypassing his
boxers entirely. All Severus could managed was a whimpered groan as thicker
fingers wrapped around his cock and stroked. He couldn't breath and his hips
jerked without control. He was consumed with want and need and oh Merlin, it
felt so good.
Lupin's other hand was at his chest, dragging his robes open. They fell from
his shoulders and then buttons were pulled open before he felt rough, calloused
fingers against his bare skin. Severus groaned aloud as one brushed across his
nipple and a slight jolt of pleasure went straight to his groin. His heart
pounded in his ears but he could hear every shift of fabric, Lupin's panted
breath against his ear, the wet noise of Lupin's hand moving over his flesh.
Pinned up against him, he could feel Lupin hard and heavy against his backside
and Lupin's hips moving against his own. He didn't give a damn what Lupin was
up to, as long as he didn't stop.
Severus jolted with a wail when Lupin's thumb brushed the blunted head of his
arousal, teasing the slit with the next pass. He pressed his cheek against the
door, eyes shut tightly as he gasped for breath. Nimble fingers found his
nipples and harassed them thoroughly ans Severus whimpered. Too much, too good,
oh Merlin...
And then he was coming in hot, hard spurts, his entire body shuddering as his
hips jerked and fucked Lupin's fist frantically. He felt Lupin's mouth come
down on the juncture between throat and shoulder and he cried out as Lupin bit
down. It should have hurt but it didn't and it was so good, so good...
Severus half collapsed against the door with only the pressure of Lupin's body
keeping him there. He panted and shook, eyes closed tightly so he didn't have
to ruin the moment by realizing just what he'd done. Vaguely, he felt warm
wetness as Lupin's tongue laved over the bruising bite, but he was too strung
out to care.
“Severus-”
“Shut up, Lupin,” he murmured weakly to cut off that whispered voice. Lupin
fell silent and didn't move, breathing against his throat. For a while, that
was the only sound Severus heard once Lupin had pulled his hand from inside his
shirt and slacks.
This was too much to think about. Severus was bone tired of thinking.
“Thank you.”
He felt Lupin stiffen a bit behind him, drawing in a swift breath.
“..I almost... I...”
“It's okay.” Severus wanted to believe that, so he didn't push Lupin from him
as the Gryffindor wrapped his arms around him, hugging him firmly to that
strong chest as he buried his face against Severus's shoulder. Lupin was still
hard and it dug against his buttock, but he didn't care about that. Lupin's
grip was firm and warm and comforting, and Severus didn't want him to let go.
“It's not. It's so not. If you hadn't come..” He didn't think he'd have taken
no for an answer.
“I did. I had to. I always will. It's okay.”
Severus gave a shivery breath and finally opened his eyes. He let Lupin hold
him for a long while before finally pulling away to fix his clothes, tucking
his spent length back inside. Merlin. He didn't want to think about this. Any
of it.
***** And Not Worthless *****
The full moon that night was little comfort. However, when Black, Potter, and
Pettigrew showed up and revealed themselves as animagi, Severus spent the night
fighting with Black and Potter and trying to eat Pettigrew with Lupin getting
in the middle of things to make sure he didn't kill any of strange animals he'd
come to think of as pack. The Marauders left that morning with far more bruises
and bites than they'd expected and a higher appraisal of their foe.
Tired and worn as he was, Lupin swore to talk to Lily. Severus doubted he would
be able to do much. Not after what Severus had almost done to her. Every time
he thought about it, he felt sickened.
He and Lupin didn't talk about what happened between then. Severus wanted very
much to forget about it, no matter how many times his dreams turned to the hot,
heavy sound of Lupin's breathing or the rough feel of his fingers on his skin.
The bruised bite on his shoulder managed to heal in a day or so.
It was only later Severus found out what Lupin had meant when he said he'd had
to come when Severus had acted against Lily. Another wolf thing, the inability
for a pack leader to let any wolf but himself mate. It hadn't meant anything
more than that. In a way, Severus was relieved. But mostly he was just ashamed
of himself.
He was more ashamed of himself when he saw Lily a few days after. He stopped
dead in the hallway as their eyes met. Hers widened and then she gave him a
weak, insincere smile before darting off. He'd lost her. He'd well and truly
lost her and it devastated him. Rosier found him later, hunched over a toilet
in the third floor bathroom. He didn't say anything, but he held Severus as he
shook and gagged and cried, rubbing his back and just being there. Severus was
too miserable to even snap at him like usual.
All Severus could do after was throw himself fully into his studies. He took up
the Occlumency lessons again, meditating almost religiously. When he thought of
Lily or of what Lupin had done with him, he turned from it and pushed both to
the edges of his mind, locking them away. He couldn't deal with either issue,
so he ignored them and went on. It worked and before Halloween, they'd started
on the practical. Distancing himself so much from Lily and she working to do
the same even kept the heat from bothering him too much. Meditation helped as
well.
Dumbledore was a brutal teacher. Once he'd taught Severus the basics of
counteracting an attack, he invaded his mind with such force that it physically
threw Severus to the ground. Over and over, Dumbledore attack and Severus
failed to fight him off. The headmaster dredged up the worst of memories,
playing through them while Severus begged him to stop and swarmed at him with
every bit of power he could muster. It felt like rape, even if he knew
Dumbledore held no ill will. In a way, the whole thing was like justified
punishment.
It seemed as if he were making no process at all, but Dumbledore congratulated
him after each session and told him he was doing very well. He gave him new
exercises to do on his own time and a few books to read. Severus plowed through
with as much dedication as he gave his normal lessons.
Severus managed to distract himself well into November, when he finally started
being able to fight off Dumbledore's attacks, minimally. Fighting left him even
more exhausted than just enduring. What kept him going was the need to succeed,
the need to be victorious, the need to have Dumbledore tell him he'd mastered
that rare art... That he'd been worthy to learn it.
Lucius sent an invitation to spend the Christmas hols with him. Severus
accepted. After all, Dumbledore had made it clear they were be taking a break
from the lessons for the holiday and there was nothing else to keep him.
Severus wrote to his father to tell him of the arrangement and received no
response, just as he'd expected. He wondered how his mother was doing. Maybe
she'd spoken. He hoped she had.
An unexpected side effect of the Occlumency training was he found himself
having slight better control of his urges during Lily's monthly heat as time
went on. They tended to happen around the full moon, which heightened his
senses so much that he could scent her fully across the campus, follow her
trail from room to room if he felt like it, but it was easier to ignore the
need to go to her. It didn't make it go away entirely, but it was
more...bearable and he could expect it better. Especially when they had their
one class together. Of course, he kept remembering the wide eyed, almost
frightened look she'd given him. It was the best thing to keep him away. Too
bad he hadn't had this training before.
With Dumbledore's lessons coming to a halt, Severus suddenly had free time
after the normal school hours. He tried to use them to meditate once his
homework was done, but more often, he found himself wandering. He steered clear
of his own housemates as much as possible. Rosier kept watching him closely
when he was around and he got the feeling it was from worry more than any
suspicion. Wilkes and Avery either didn't care or didn't notice, but the latter
was equally annoying with his grumbled comments and generally bad mood. And the
younger years... Well. They just didn't know when to shut up and leave things
alone.
December's full moon was the same as November's and October's had been. Lupin's
friends showed up, transformed, and Severus did his damnedest to kill and/or
eat them. It should have been a stress relief but it really wasn't. He left the
shack feeling just as moody and grouchy as before.
Severus hadn't gotten any better days later when Lupin tracked him down and
dragged him unceremoniously into an empty classroom.
“What the hell, Lupin?!” Severus snarled out, finally ripping his arm free of
Lupin's grasp as the door closed behind them.
“You need to talk to Lily,” was the quiet but strangely firm reply. Severus
grit his teeth.
“I'm not going near her. Not after I-” He choked. Even months after, he
remembered every moment and felt sickened. “I can't.”
“Look. If you don't talk to her, if you don't resolve this, you'll regret it
forever.”
Lupin reached over and took his shoulder, giving it a short squeeze. Severus
glared at him.
“I already regret it. Don't you realize how much I regret it?! I love her, damn
it! Even if she never accepts it, I will always love her!”
Lupin narrowed his eyes. “Then stop being a coward and go talk to her.”
“Fuck you,” Severus snarled out, jerking back from Lupin's grip. “Like you'd
ever understand-”
“Why are you so quick to think you're the only one who has ever been in love
and made stupid mistakes?” Lupin shot back in a quiet, calm voice that left
Severus without a foothold. “I'm not all that surprised. You've had to survive
thinking only of yourself for a long time, haven't you?”
“You-”
“Shut up and listen to me, Snape.”
And, miraculously, Severus did, more from shock than anything else. Lupin
stepped closer and Severus retreated on instinct until his back hit near the
door and Lupin's hand rested near his head against the wall. Severus blinked a
bit at the sudden close quarters. Lupin seemed so... big. He knew, logically,
that he was the taller of the two, but Lupin had never been quite this
intimidating before. Brown eyes looked more gold as Lupin glared at him.
“You,” Lupin growled out as he jabbed Severus in the chest, “need to get your
head out of your arse. There are other people around, there are bigger
problems, and the world does not revolve around you and your inadequacies.”
Severus could do little but stare. And notice that Lupin's scent was
suddenly... very, very attractive. And not quite right, but it was far enough
from the moon that his senses were starting to dull and he couldn't pick out
very little thing from them.
“How do you think Lily feels?” Lupin pressed. “Her best friend went after her
with no warning and then refused to talk to her after she ran away. She misses
you, Snape. She misses her friend.”
“I can't be her friend!” Severus finally shot back, gritting his teeth.
Scent... something important, but he didn't have time to think about it just
now. “I can't be trusted near her. Damn it, Lupin, I'm trying to do whats best
for her!”
“No. You're trying to do what's easiest,” Lupin murmured in a softer, colder
voice as he pressed in closer and Severus' back went flat against the wall.
“Like you would know!”
Lupin paused. And then he laughed and it was not a pleasant sound at all. “Oh.
Trust me, Snape. I know intimately.”
Severus felt a sudden flush to his face as he stared and immediately flashed
back to the last time Lupin had cornered him like this. He could feel Lupin's
breath on his face and he was so close. His scent was engulfing him. And there
was something else, something he really, really needed to pay attention to
because it was important and right there, but he couldn't.
And then Lupin's other hand lifted and placed on the other side of Severus'
head as he took another step that brushed faintly between Severus' legs,
bringing them nearly touching along their trunks. Severus closed his eyes
tightly, lips pursed.
“Lupin-”
“Talk to her, Snape. She needs you and master of control you've shown yourself
to be, you will be there for her and you will control yourself in her
presence.”
Severus was too warm. His heart had quickened at some point and his mouth felt
dry. His hands curled tightly at his hips. His breathing had gone ragged.
“Snape?”
He managed to open his eyes and look back at Lupin, watching concern flow into
the usually kind face as the shorter boy took in his state. And then a faint
flush came to Lupin's cheeks.
“Oh hell.”
“Shut. Up.”
Severus didn't even know why it was happening this time but after a few
moments, Lupin leaned just enough to bring them tight, chest to chest, and
Severus let out a quiet, breathy sigh as he shut his eyes again. He felt
Lupin's breathing quicken and turned his head, only to hear Lupin growl and it
went straight to his groin as Lupin's face pressed straight to his shoulder.
“Merlin, I'm sorry,” Lupin murmured and Severus felt his hands move and rest on
his hips as they remained pressed together. Severus could hear Lupin's
breathing quicken and then Lupin shifted and it was all Severus could do not to
groan as that put pressure against the enlarging problem between his legs.
“L-Lupin, she's not...She's not here, why am I- ah..”
Lupin had shifted again, a knee between his legs and firm pressure and Merlin,
it felt good, but this was so wrong. Severus shivered and grabbed on to the
other boy's shoulders, needing the handhold.
“I'm sorry, I didn't think-” Lupin was muttering stupidly as Severus tried
desperately to calm his breathing and his body.
Dear Merlin, why was he reacting like this now?! Lily wasn't even-
A noise, movement over Lupin's shoulder. And then he saw her. Across the room.
Staring from inside a half open cabinet. Fuck.
***** And Not Useless *****
Lily.
Lily was there.
Lily had heard. She was seeing... seeing this, whatever this was, whatever
Lupin was doing. He could smell her all over the room now that he was paying
attention, now that Lupin wasn't distracting him.
He couldn't breathe.
Somehow, Severus managed to rip himself from Lupin's grip and the pressure of
Lupin's body. He made a dash for the door and managed to get his hand on the
knock before his legs were kicked out from under him and he fell hard with a
grunt. A strong hand caught the back of his uniform and jerked. Severus cried
out, but Lupin caught an arm around his throat and hauled him back against his
own body.
“No more running!” Lupin snarled out as Severus tried to rip free of his arm.
It wasn't tight enough to keep him from breathing, but he was having enough
trouble with the way his heart pounded and his lungs seemed so small. Lupin
secured his arm with the other, pinning him affectively there on his knees
against Lupin's chest.
“Let go!” Severus choked out, tearing at his skin, but Lupin wouldn't budge. In
the edge of his vision, Severus could see Lily climbing free of the cabinet and
rising. “Let go! You bastard, don't you understand?! Let go!”
“You're not running this time, Snape.” Lupin's voice had dropped, quiet and
dark along his neck and Severus shuddered with hopelessness. “She needs this.
You need this. So get your head out of your arse and stop being a coward.”
Severus grit his teeth but his eyes fell onto Lily and watched as she slowly,
cautiously approached. Her green eyes were wide, face slightly pale. Merlin,
she was so beautiful. Severus trembled and swallowed the growing lump in his
throat. She was so beautiful and he'd hurt her, he'd attacked her, and-
Lily knelt down in front of him, close enough to touch if he reached out. He
didn't, hands tightening on Lupin's arm.
“Severus,” she whispered. He swallowed again, unable to speak. Her face turned
with concern and then a deep sympathy that would have angered him on anyone
else. Hesitantly, she lifted her hand and reached out, brushing her fingertips
down his cheek. Severus flinched, shutting his eyes tightly because he couldn't
turn away. So close. So close and he wanted her so very badly. She made a noise
and drew her fingers back before murmuring so softly, “Is it painful?”
Yes. No. He didn't know where to start.
“Severus,” she called again and he opened his eyes, staring at her with a
torrent of fear, want, longing, and sorrow mixing within him. He didn't know
what to feel. Lily swallowed. “...I'm sorry. I sorry I can't... that I can't
return your feelings. You're my best friend, Severus. I never wanted to hurt
you like this.”
Somehow, that hurt even more but he couldn't even be angry with her.
“Please don't shut me out. I know it must be painful, but please...” She
touched his hand and it twitched and grew warm under her fingers. “You can
fight the moon's influence. We don't have to stop talking completely. We don't
have to stop being friends.”
“Lily,” he rasped somehow through the tightness in his throat. “I... I
don't..want to hurt you,”
And then she smiled and it nearly broke him completely.
“Oh, Severus...” Both hands rose to his face and he flinched again as they
settled against his cheeks, smooth and warm. She leaned up and pressed her soft
lips to his forehead. “It's okay. You don't have to worry about that. It's okay
now... I can protect myself. You won't hurt me.”
He shivered and then sagged against Lupin, who let up some of the pressure. He
wondered if she had any idea what she was doing to him, how it made him feel.
The burn and the shame and the lust. Was he such a masochist that he couldn't
give her up and release himself from this?
Severus saw Lily exchange a glance with Lupin but he didn't care. He felt
drained and heavy and even the pulse of arousal was minimal in the face of his
emotional exhaustion. He didn't want to deal with this anymore.
Lily pet his cheeks and then drew back. He shivered at the lack of touch but
couldn't quite look at her anymore.
“...Come talk to me,” she said softly. “When you're okay and I'm not...
tempting you.”
That was a nice way of saying it, he supposed. After a hesitation, when he
didn't answer, she got up and left. Lupin gradually released him but neither of
them moved once Severus let his head slump forward.
“Are you okay?” Lupin asked tentatively.
“No.”
Lupin sighed a bit and then began to rub his back. Severus didn't care enough
to make him stop and honestly, it was actually a bit comforting. Comforting as
anything could be at that point.
“I can listen if you want to-”
“No.” There were surely worse things than unloading his troubles on the other
werewolf, but Severus couldn't think of any at that moment. “I just... I don't
want to talk. Ever. I just want to stop talking.”
“Okay.” Lupin was still rubbing his back.
“I want to stop talking.” Severus dropped his head further, one hand lifting up
to cover his eyes. Then it dragged into his hair, gripping tightly. The faint
sting along his scalp was almost welcome. “I want to stop talking. I want to
stop talking. I want to stop talking-”
He gasped and went rigid when Lupin folded him up in his arms. His heart was
beating fast again and his lungs felt on fire and he was pretty terrified he
might be crying. Lupin's cheek rested against his back, just under his neck and
his arms were warm and firm and Severus just couldn't keep himself together. He
was so pathetic.
Thank Merlin Lupin didn't say anything.
Miraculously, it was somehow better after that. Severus managed to scrape up
some scrap of dignity and flee without really fleeing. About a week and a half
later, he managed a short, awkward conversation with Lily. He and Lupin didn't
talk, of course, but when they passed in the halls, Severus didn't quite feel
the overpowering need not to acknowledge the other boy.
And then the hols came about. Severus left with the train and then apparated
from the platform to Lucius's house. The blond aristocrat was there to meet him
but a little tired, so they did little that first day. The relaxation was
rather nice, at any rate. Through the two weeks of holiday, Lucius was in and
out at random intervals, generally rather tired when he came back. At one
point, he was shaking so badly that Severus had to help him get to bed. He
tried to ask what had happened but Lucius silenced him before the words could
come out. It wasn't anything to worry over, things were fine, we'll do
something fun tomorrow...
By the end of it, Severus was more worried about his friend than he could ever
remember before. He left for Hogwarts because he had to, but made Lucius swear
he would come to him if he needed help. It took a little wheedling down, but
the blond finally agreed and Severus felt a little better. Not much, but a
little.
The Occlumency lessons started up as soon as he got back. Dumbledore drilled
him hard and when Severus was finally free to drag himself to bed, he slept
deeply. There were nightmares, often conjured by the very memories Dumbledore
sought to invade, but Severus was determined. He'd beat this. He'd make his
mind impenetrable.
A breakthrough came in mid February. Dumbledore taught him the basics of
Legilimency so that he could attack the old man's mind and see just how
Dumbledore's shields dragged together to become so very strong. After that, it
was a matter of mimicry and then devising his own shields when Dumbledore
bipassed those.
Most wizards wouldn't bother trying to get farther than the first player, but
Dumbledore seemed adamant that Severus create more protections. Together, they
figured out dozens of ideas and tried them all as the weeks passed. Severus was
rather happy with his development for once, especially when Dumbledore told him
he was progressing faster than he had himself. That day, Severus even gave
Lupin a little half smile when the werewolf greeted him. Lupin blinked in
surprise and smiled back but Severus noticed him giving him an odd look
afterward.
Severus didn't care. He was too busy to care. NEWTs were on the horizon.
Dividing his time between Occlumency and school work wasn't too hard, but it
kept him busy almost all the time. Even on the day after a full moon, after
only a few hours of restful sleep, Severus would be back to his studying.
Early March, he got a letter from Damocles Belby. Severus stared at it over the
breakfast table as Rosier leaned over to find out what it was. He opened it,
mouthed the words as he read it, and then drew in a swift breath. Belby was
accepting him, pending his NEWTs marks. Severus hadn't felt so relieved in
ages. Rosier clapped his back and smiled.
“Congratulations, Snape,” he said with a smile. Wilkes looked up from beside
him and leaned across Rosier to see.
“Huh. Not surprising, there. But good job, Snape.”
“Thanks,” he managed in weak reply as Wilkes leaned away. Rosier chuckled.
“Bit like a kick in the bullocks without the pain, eh?” he murmured.
Severus snorted. “I suppose so. I mean, I figured there was a chance he'd take
me, but...”
“Nonsense! Snape, you're a genius with potions. Everyone knows that.”
Severus managed a little, embarrassed smile as Rosier smacked his back again.
He really did feel pretty good about this. All in all, life seemed to be
picking up. Potter and his friends hadn't really bothered him lately, probably
too busy trying to salvage their scholastic careers; he and Lily had fallen
into a nearly normal friendship again; Dumbledore said he was close to
mastering Occlumency and a rather fine Legilimens for as little focus as they'd
put on it; and now his apprenticeship was mostly secured.
He felt good. It was a decidedly strange sensation to bear.
The rest of the month, he kept busy with Dumbledore once his homework was
finished. He wanted to perfect his technique, to mask any hint of it being
used. He'd learned so well how to expect Dumbledore's invasion, which really
wasn't much of an invasion anymore. Indeed, he'd managed to lead Dumbledore to
only where he wanted the man to see, had surprised him by being able to
completely blank out his mind, though this was quickly discouraged since it
would make it known he was doing it on purpose. And then he managed to lie to
the man's face without any detectable variance at all. Dumbledore lowered his
wand.
“Good job, my boy,” Dumbledore said finally, a soft, gentle smile on his face
as his eyes twinkled. “We're done. You've leaned all I can teach you.”
Severus beamed.
***** And Not Expendable *****
James Potter asked Lily out just after the full moon of April and she accepted.
She didn't talk to Severus about it first and he knew it was because she didn't
want to hurt him with her lack of return for his own feelings. It still hurt,
however, when he heard a few younger girls crooning about how sweet and
romantic Potter was, even if he happened to be a Gryffindor.
Severus didn't think about it. He avoided the subject of love in all fashions,
except for when Rosier cornered him in their dorm.
“Hey, Snape? Do you... have a minute?”
It was the hesitation that decided him. He couldn't really say he was friends
with Rosier, but the other boy had always been decent to him. Severus set down
his book on his bed and got up.
“What's wrong?”
Rosier smiled weakly, scratching the back of his head. “Remember... Remember at
the start of the year? When you said you were okay with me being...you know?”
“I remember.” He wasn't sure what it had to do with anything, but he
remembered.
“I... I like someone.”
Oh hell. Severus swallowed and then sat down on the edge of his bed as Rosier
came closer and sat down on the bed across from him.
“Wilkes?” he couldn't help asking. Rosier's blue eyes went wide.
“How did you-?!” He cut himself off, however, and just blushed. “..Yeah.”
Severus nodded. “... I actually assumed you were already together.”
“Really...?” Rosier grew hopeful. “Then...Do you think he'd...accept me? I
mean. Even if he didn't like me back, do you think he'd... be disgusted with
me?”
That took a little thought but then Severus realized he doubted Wilkes would
find anyone disgusting, except for muggles and they deserved it anyway.
“...No, I don't think he would,” he answered finally. Rosier grinned and jumped
to his feet.
“I promised myself I'd tell him before the end of the year. We're graduating
this year. And then we'll be busy with jobs and training and families and...”
“I wish you luck.”
Rosier paused at the blank sound in Severus' voice.
“Oh. Oh, Merlin, Sev, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-”
Severus waved a dismissive hand. “It's fine, Evan. That doesn't matter to me.”
Rosier looked at him as if he didn't believe that at all. Severus just looked
at him and lifted a brow. It wasn't as if he'd cry his heart out even if he
could admit aloud it bothered him. Rosier understood that, after a few silent
minutes. Then, finally, he smiled again.
“I was rooting for you, you know,” he murmured, then shook his head and left,
likely to find Wilkes. Severus found himself hating Rosier, just a little bit.
He couldn't concentrate. Even days after he'd found out, after he'd seen Potter
and Lily together, it was still so very painful. He'd known he lost her. He'd
known he'd never had her, but it still hurt. He wanted, for once, to go back to
Spinner's End and press his face into his pillow and just stay there. No one
would bother him. No one cared. Everything could stop long enough for him to
recover and pull something of himself from the ashes. Just two and a half
months. Just under ten weeks. Just sixty-two days. Then he could leave and he'd
never have to think about Lily and Potter ever again. He could disappear. He
could leave wizarding kind behind and follow his father's footsteps. Factory
work. He could do it. And he'd never have to think about them...
Severus wasn't quite sure when he'd gotten up but he suddenly found himself in
the hallway just outside the entrance to the common room. It was dark. The
dungeons made everything so pitch dark at night. He touched the edge of the
wall and then began to walk. He knew where he was. It didn't frighten him. The
dark was familiar. Comfortable. Him.
And then the darkness broke as he passed through the front doors, not even
realizing he'd been walking so long. The air was cool at night. Still in his
uniform shirt and slacks, the wind cut right into him as it made his hair
flutter back from his face. He didn't feel it, not really. He kept walking.
Next thing he knew, he was near the whomping willow. It rustled here and there
from the wind, as if it were just sleeping and could wake at any moment to
throttle him to pieces. He almost riled it. Almost.
“Snape?”
Abruptly, the cold, calm haze that had been over his mind lifted. He jerked,
sucking in a quick, hard breath that was suddenly painfully cold. His skin was
suddenly covered in goosebumps and he shivered as the cold slid through him.
Slowly, he turned and stared at Lupin. Merlin, why was it that Lupin always
found him at his worst?
Lupin just looked at him, standing mere feet away. Severus hadn't heard him
come up. His slightly curly hair bounded about more than his own did, for lack
of length. He looked worried but calm. And he had a coat on, the bastard.
“What are you doing out here?” Severus shot at him. Lupin shrugged a bit, hands
stuffed in his pockets.
“I could ask you the same,” he retorted and then lifted his eyes to the sky.
“..I come out, sometimes. When the moon's getting smaller. I like watching it
disappear.”
For some reason, that made perfect sense. Severus looked up, matching Lupin's
gaze. The moon was nearly gone, or had the New Moon already come and gone? He
doubted Lupin would get waning and waxing moons mixed up.
Severus jumped as he felt a touch to his shoulder. Lupin was at his side and
the concern overrode his expression.
“Snape, you're freezing.” Lupin tugged off his coat and almost laid it over
Severus' thinner shoulders, but he stopped him before he could.
“No. No don't you-”
“Don't I what?” Lupin frowned. “Give a damn about whether or not you catch a
cold?”
He had a sweater on under the coat that fell onto his shoulders. It was warm
with Lupin's body heat and Severus couldn't make himself throw it off. Lupin
made a noise in the back of his throat.
“Oi. Making me take care of you like this. Have some sense.”
“I didn't ask you for anything, Lupin.”
“No. You never ask anyone for anything.” Lupin scowled, folding his arms over
his chest. “Don't you think you're old enough to stop being so childish? It's
okay to lean on someone!”
Severus grit his teeth. “You don't understand.”
“Maybe I do,” Lupin snarled back. “Maybe I can. But how the hell do you expect
anyone to if you can't say when you need something? Or want something? Or,
Merlin forbid, want someone to care for you!”
“Shut up!” Severus whirled on his heel, glaring at Lupin as nastily as he
could. “Shut up, you don't know anything!”
“I know what it's like to love someone who will never ever return it,” Lupin
murmured, his voice suddenly very soft. He seized Severus' arm and jerked him
in close. Severus didn't even have the wits to stop him. “I know how hard it is
to see them with someone else. I know how hard it is to see them love someone
else. I know all that. Don't you dare belittle my feelings or my experience
again, Severus Snape.”
Severus swallowed. He could only stare at those fever bright brown eyes that
drew him in so easily every time.
“I'm sorry,” he found himself whispering. Slowly, Lupin's eyes widened and then
he let go, but neither of them moved apart.
“I think that's the first time I've heard you say that,” Lupin murmured after a
few silent moments. Severus looked away.
“Don't get used to hearing it. I don't make mistakes often.”
Lupin snorted, but the mood was still heavy around them. Heavy with words, with
expectations, with wants. Heavy with things Severus didn't understand and
couldn't name. He looked back at Lupin's face and the shorter boy stared right
back. No hesitation. No unworthiness. There was no smile on Lupin's face
either, but he seemed so focused that he didn't even need one.
“Stay with me, tonight,” Lupin said softly. “Just... beside me. For a little
while. Until moon set?”
Without even meaning to, Severus found himself agreeing, if only because Lupin
refused to let him go from that focused gaze.
“Not here.” Lupin took his hand and Severus didn't think to pull it free.
Grabbing a fallen branch, Lupin led him just close enough to the willow to hit
the knot that stilled it and then led him into the passage to the shack.
Severus trailed behind him through the dark, wet, earth-smelling tunnel, one
hand steadying himself along the earthen wall while the other was held firmly
in Lupin's firm grip.
They climbed up the trap door and found themselves in the shack. Severus felt a
sudden shiver of revulsion flow down his spine as he looked around. He never
came here, except for the transformation. Seeing it made the fear of pain
return. He felt Lupin squeeze his hand and looked over to find the other boy
looking back at him again. Severus felt another shiver, but this one had
nothing to do with fear.
“My hand,” he murmured awkwardly. Lupin blinked and looked down as if he didn't
realize he was still holding it. He let go and Severus felt a faint stab of
disappointment at the lack of warmth. The shack, warded as it undoubtedly was,
still had been left so long to rot that the wind cut through it. Severus hugged
his arms across his chest.
“Snape,” Lupin said quietly and Severus looked up. “Can I call you by your
first name?”
Severus blinked. Why... Why would that matter? But Lupin had looked at him
again, pinning him with that bright stare.
“You can call me Remus, if you want. I...I would like you to. Even if it's just
when we're alone.”
He wasn't sure how to respond. No one but Lily and his parents called him by
his first name. It was... a way to distance, he realized. Severus blinked again
and continued to stare even as Lupin began moving closer to him. Closing the
distance. And somehow, he didn't quite ache as badly.
“You can,” Severus said softly and then Remus kissed him and he kissed back.
***** So That Someday *****
Remus' lips were not soft and delicate, but a demandingly strong presence
against his own. He urged Severus without words, hands curling in his black
hair as the kiss swiftly deepened into something not quite as simple. Heat
rushed through him as strong fingers brushed the back of his neck and the
foreign taste and texture of Remus' tongue sent shivers down his spine. He
barely knew what he was doing.
How could he feel like this? How could he be reacting to the heat of Remus'
body, to his touch and his lips and the musky scent he didn't need wolf senses
to pick up? Severus shivered all over again. What was happening to his body?
“Stop thinking,” Remus urged, his voice a harsh, breathless whisper. “Just stop
thinking for once, Severus. Just...let it happen.”
So Severus stopping thinking and his hands curled in the front of Remus's
sweater as he dragged the other boy in again and crushed their lips together.
Remus let his hands fall only to wrap them around Severus' waist, one finding
the edge of his dress shirt and sliding up under it. Severus shivered as
faintly chilled fingers rubbed up his back in a firm, solid line, tracing over
his spine as far as he could manage. He didn't even mind the lick of cold air
that followed it.
His body knew this touch. It remembered claiming hands and rough fingertips,
harsh breathing and a biting mouth. It remembered the pleasure that brought all
those months ago, the pleasure it had forced dreams of since that dogged the
dreamer frequently with unwanted arousal. Well, unwanted until this time.
Severus stumbled as the press of Remus' body pushed him backward. The wall that
came up against his back was a welcomed support in the face of what Remus had
managed to do with his body. It didn't even feel like his anymore. It felt hot
and cold and needing and hungry...
“It's okay,” Remus whispered against his lips and Severus shuddered all over
again.
“I shouldn't feel this. It's not...it's not right, I don't want you-”
“Yes you do.” Severus sucked in a gasp as Remus traced over his jaw with his
lips, catching one ear between his teeth. “You've wanted me for months,
Severus. Last time... It wasn't Lily you wanted. It wasn't her scent that made
you hard. It was me.”
Severus shuddered with a soft groan. Remus pressed against him bodily, all hard
planes and groping hands. A leg fitted between his own, firm and rubbing just
right-
“Remus-”
“You don't have to love someone to want them.”
Don't think.
Hungry lips claimed his own and finally, blessedly, Severus caved completely to
join them in needy devouring. He arched into hands that smoothed over his
shirt, knocking his coat free and then working on buttons. Severus found his
hips pressing into the thigh between his legs as his hands gripped and dragged
the sweater from Remus' body. A thin, white under shirt was all that stood in
his way to skin. Remus shivered and just pressed closer as Severus groaned.
It didn't matter, for once, whether this was right or wrong. Severus wanted it
badly.
Remus nibbled and licked a trail along his throat, dragging his half buttoned
shirt over his unbitten shoulder to get at more skin. Severus tilted his eyes,
eyes closed as he panted for breath. His heart pounded hard in his chest and he
still didn't feel quite in his own skin. Remus bit down and he gave a hoarse
cry. Hands on his skin – when had Remus managed to get his shirt all the way
open? - rough fingertips traced along his thin torso. It was cold and hot and
he arched into it as Remus prompted shivers too random to ready for.
“Remus-” A breathy moan cut off whatever words he might have said. Instead, he
bit down on his lip as those rough fingers pinched a nipple between them and he
felt a wet tongue against his shoulder. Fuck, he knew he should be
reciprocating, something, but it was so hard to do anything but hold on as
Remus rocked against him. His fingers were tight in Remus's shirt, the fabric
pulled almost painfully tight between his hands.
Remus shifted his hips and Severus groaned, his own grinding back into the
other werewolf's. It felt good, hot and heady and overpowering. He barely knew
what to do with himself. And then he felt Remus' hand rub over the front of his
pants and he forgot how to breath. He shouted instead and it may have been a
name but he couldn't hear over the blood rushing in his ears.
The next thing he knew, Remus had gotten his pants open and his fingers were
wrapped around his cock, moving with firm determination. Severus whimpered,
hips moving with that hand. Fuck, he was so hard.. He finally managed to get
something of his wits back, at least enough to start fumbling with Remus' belt.
Damn it, why was he wearing a belt?! Remus chuckled against his throat and made
him shiver. A swipe of thumb over the head of his arousal brought up another
jerk and groan from Severus and he fumbled further.
“Stop,” he moaned. “Stop, I...”
“What is it?” Remus was as breathless as he was, hand stilling.
“You. I need to... I...”
“Do it.”
Severus' eyes flashed at the command but his hands went on without him. He
managed to the the belt unbuckled and then pants undone and pause there. Remus
waited, panting softly as he did. So patient, even when Severus could feel his
arousal in the darkness.
“Severus...”
It was just enough to shake him of his short stupor. Severus pursed his lips
and delved a hand inside, cupping him through his underwear. Remus sucked in a
sudden, quiet gasp and Severus' heart beat faster. Carefully, he pulled Remus's
cock free and brushed his fingers along the shaft. Thicker than him, but
shorter. His thumb brushed the broad, blunt head and Remus groaned, dropping
his head to rest on Severus's shoulder. There was a certain excitement about
causing that to happen, knowing Remus was hard for him, moaned for him. No one
else..
Severus firmed his grip and stroked, loving the way Remus shuddered against him
as he did. Before long, Remus took up his cock as well and they groaned
together as they rocked and touched. Severus sought out Remus's lips and then
sucked on his tongue as a particular slid of hand on skin made him shiver and
jerk.
It was good, hot, so hot... He could barely stand the heat through the entirety
of his body. Was it always like this when someone else touched you? Merlin, he
didn't want it to end.
However, his body begged for completion. Soon, Severus grew more desperate, his
hand moving move swiftly to spurn Remus on as their hips twitched and they
throbbed within each other's first. Their breath mingled, both too riled to
bother even trying to kiss at this point.
Severus found it first. He cried out but lost the air halfway through as his
body jerked with a great shudder. He felt hot wetness splatter along his belly
and hand. Remus growled into his shoulder and bit down again as he followed
close behind. The bite drew another gasp from Severus even as Remus ended up
half collapsed against him.
There they stood, panting and shaking as cold started prying back into them
from the air around. Not even the heat generated between them could dispel it
long.
“Remus,” Severus whispered. “What does this mean?”
“Nothing,” Remus replied just as softly and somehow, it hurt to hear it. “We...
You can be attracted to someone without loving them. This... doesn't have to
mean anything.”
Severus wasn't sure who Remus was saying that for. It wasn't a comfort to him,
not really. He wondered if it comforted Remus at all. At least he hadn't moved
away yet. Severus closed his eyes.
Blindly, the tucked each other away and Severus thought to drag out his want
and cast a cleansing charm. Remus still hadn't lifted his head from Severus's
shoulder and Severus found himself not caring.
“So it's nothing,” he murmured.
“Yeah. Nothing.”
At least they were in agreement.
By the time they got back to bed, it was almost dawn and they were freezing.
Severus laid in bed under his covers for an hour before his morning alarm went
off to get ready for school. He'd warmed up by then and got dressed, only half
missing the sleep he'd skipped. His shoulders smarted. Remus had bruised him
pretty well, but he was rather sure it'd be gone by the morning, if not by that
evening. He got up, dressed in fresh clothing, and went down to breakfast.
Across the room, Severus saw Remus greeted by Black with a rather wide grin on
his idiotic face. He watched Remus sit down and then Remus looked at him. They
held eye contact for a moment and then broke off as one. Severus sat with
Rosier as the shorter boy babbled about this or that with Wilkes. Apparently,
the confession had gone well, if Rosier hadn't chickened out at the last
second.
Severus tried to fall back into normal. The days went on. He did his school
work. He listened to Lily sigh happily into her text book. He readied himself
for the NEWT testing. He tried to ignore James Potter's goddamn grin.
And then 'nothing' happened again. Another late night staring at the moon
interrupted by sweaty bodies and panted breath. And again after that. Severus
was quickly becoming accustomed to the feel of Remus' hand.
In public, they were still Snape and Lupin and they didn't look at each other
and they didn't hang out. But those nights, they were Severus and Remus and
they touched and kissed and wanted. He didn't know which he liked better, but
he was a little scared that he might have come to need both.
The distraction wasn't much, however. Come the end of May, they tested. Severus
did well and his scores were sent off to Belby for the last requirement of his
apprenticeship. He received word barely a day later. He'd been accepted and
would begin training a week after school ended, just long enough for him to
settle his affairs before following Belby to Italy for the next year. Then he
would test for his potions mastery. It was very exciting.
Severus didn't feel excited, however.
Four days before they were slated to go home, 'nothing' happened for the last
time. As they rested, panting and weary, kneeling on the shack floor, Remus
reached over and curled his fingers in Severus' hair as he leaned over to kiss
him. It was soft, fleeting, and when he pulled away, Remus looked almost
regretful.
“You're going to be okay, aren't you? When we leave.”
“I'll be fine.” Severus closed his eyes but something prompted him to add, “And
you?”
“Always.”
They left it at that. Four days later, Severus got onto the train for the last
time apparated back to Spinner's End. His time at Hogwarts was over. Somehow,
he thought he should feel something more than this. He didn't. Closing his
eyes, Severus walked back to his father's house.
***** You Can Hold Your Head Up *****
Severus went on guard as soon as he opened the door. A sudden stench assaulted
his nostrils and he covered his nose, wincing. Too close to the moon, he
couldn't ignore it. Gritting his teeth, Severus forced himself to step inside.
He found the source in the kitchen, where dishes had been piled and old food
rotted and stunk. His mother would never have let this happen. In her right
mind. She'd gotten worse.
Severus set his trunk near the door and searched the house but there was no one
there. It felt... abandoned. Useless. Empty. Even when he found something
belonging to the family here and there, it was so empty. His parents' room was
a mess, clothing thrown all over, things in disarray. He found a broken plate
shattered the old dresser along the wall. It didn't look like a robbery. Not
that there would have been anything to steal.
He sat down on his trunk and waited, fist tight around his wand. Maybe his
parents had forgotten he would be home this day. They might be out, doing
something. He really didn't want to think about the alternative.
It was later that night when his father came. He opened the door, dressed down
in his factory coveralls. Tobias stopped when he spotted Severus and stared for
a few moments before he shut the door behind him.
“You're back,” he said quietly. Severus stood, still holding his wand.
“Where's mother?”
He hadn't meant it to sound afraid and raw. Tobias just stared at him, gray
eyes blank.
“She's dead.”
It hit like a knife. Severus staggered back a step. “What?”
“She died in November.”
“Bullshit!” Severus snarled as the pain turned immediately to rage, now that
there was a target. Dead? She couldn't be dead. She was... she... He had to be
lying! “Where is she?!”
Tobias hadn't moved. “She's dead, Severus. She's buried with Mother.”
“Shut up! Shut up, it's not true!” Severus jerked up his wand and held it, hand
shaking. “Stop lying to me!”
After a moment, Tobias' brows furrowed and he took a step forward and then
another.
“WHERE IS MY MOTHER?!” Severus roared and then Tobias backhanded him across the
face. Severus jerked with the force of it, stumbling into the other wall of the
hallway.
“She's dead!” Tobias snarled. He grabbed Severus's shoulder and jerked him
around, other hand rising to grab his chin and force his face up to face him.
“She's dead, Severus. She's not coming back. She's not anywhere. She's gone.”
Severus's breathing was tight and painful as he glared at the man. No. No, he
couldn't accept this. But Tobias wasn't finished.
“November,” he growled, but his anger was fading. “She hung herself. Out in the
shed.”
Severus swallowed thickly. He wanted to fight it, but his father had always
been blunt. Always honest. Bastard as he was, Tobias had never lied to him.
“Why didn't you tell me...? I...I could have..”
“You wouldn't have changed anything.” Tobias let go of his face. “You had your
studies-”
“Damn my studies!” Severus shot back angrily. “I could have at least gone to
the funeral! Helped bury her! Something!”
Tobias sighed, looking away. “No. You needed to concentrate. I got a copy of
your ending test scores. I assume nine is a good number of-”
“We're not talking about my grades right now,” Severus hissed. Tobias looked at
him again, his face drawn blank.
“...There was nothing you could have done, Severus. It wasn't your concern.”
Severus laughed, harsh and painful. “Like hell it wasn't my concern! She's my
mother!”
“And she wanted you to succeed, you arrogant little shit!” Tobias snarled with
a dark glint in his eyes. “Do you think either of us wanted this life for you?!
Why the hell do you think I let you into that blasted school in the first place
instead of keeping you here? There's a chance for you in that other world and
I'll be damned if I let you ruin that!”
“Shut up-” Severus started quietly and then Tobias hit him again. This time,
his nose was bleeding when he looked back at his father.
“Watch the attitude.”
Severus grit his teeth, hands fisted at his side. He could lift his wand. He
could pay back every bit of pain right then and there and he wanted to so
badly. He wanted to hear Tobias scream in agony.
“I'm leaving.”
“Your things are packed.” Severus sucked in a soft gasp as Tobias gave him a
narrow look. “You got the internship, didn't you?”
“Yes.”
“Then leave.”
For a moment, Severus wondered why he'd ever thought Tobias would want him to
stay. He gathered up the few boxes Tobias had packed together, shrunk them into
his trunk, shrunk the trunk, and then left within an hour. He never wanted to
see that man again as long as he lived.
He went to the cemetery his grandmother had been buried in. Severus hadn't been
there since he was very small. When Grandfather Snape first came to live with
them, he visited the cemetery every year on the same day, but Severus never
went with him. Still, it wasn't hard to find the Snape family plot. Great-
grandfather Snape had been a man of money enough to reserve room for himself,
his wife, their two children, and various others who had decided to be buried
there over the years. It was about the only extravagance the Snape family had
ever shown, in all actuality. Somehow, the grave site was fitting to them.
Severus found his mother laid to rest next to his grandmother. Grandmother
Snape's headstone was a double and for some reason, his father had apparently
seen it right to have it engraved for Grandfather Snape, even if there wasn't a
body under. Severus felt mildly better that his mother laid on his
grandmother's side and not his grandfather's.
The headstone was pretty, more so than any of the others. It had been smoothed
so well that he could see himself, even in the dark. The engraving was careful,
each letter perfect, and there were flowers around the edge in an artful,
pretty design. Severus knelt there and ran his fingers over his mother's name.
Eileen Prince Snape. He hadn't known she'd kept her maiden name in any fashion.
He wondered if there were any of the Prince family left and if they cared she
had died. He doubted it. They'd never heard anything from Eileen's family, just
Tobias'. Under her name were the words “Loving Mother, Dutiful Wife. She Will
Be Missed.”
Hollow words.
Severus' breathing hitched. Who had paid for this? Who had bothered? No one
bothered for her. Ever. Not even he had. And he could see it now, how she'd
tried to reach out to him over the years. How she'd tried to care for him. He'd
spurned her so many times. He'd been so angry with her.
“Mother,” he whispered, the word seeming a jagged knife in his throat. “Mother,
I'm sorry.”
The stone was cold under his fingertips. There would be no comfort. And it was
when he realized there would be no answer that he finally started to cry. It
drained out of him in a torrent of gut-wrenching sobs as he leaned against the
stone and begged her to forgive him.
There wouldn't be forgiveness. He was too late. She couldn't forgive what he'd
done even if she wanted to now.
When he was able, Severus stood. He wiped his face on his shirt sleeve and
dusted the dirt from his pants. There was still a week before he was to meet
Belby and the moon in three days to contend with. Severus didn't have a choice.
He wasn't ready to reveal his state to Lucius. He definitely wasn't going to
run to R- to Lupin. Avery would throw him out. Wilkes didn't care. Rosier-
Severus apparated. He'd been to Rosier's place once, with Lucius during a
party. Rosier's father was in the same social circle as Lucius', high born pure
bloods. Severus still wasn't quite sure how none of the Slytherins or their
family seemed to have sniffed out his father's dirty blood.
There were, predictably, wards everywhere. No pure blood family would leave any
of that to chance, but he remembered vaguely how to trigger the alert charm and
nothing else. It took a while but finally, a droopy eared house elf popped up
near by and escorted him in. Lord Rosier was waiting in the foyer when they got
there. He was a broad shouldered man with a thick trunk and thick arms and a
thick head on his thick neck. He scowled all the time and his blue eyes flared
at nearly anything anyone said, no matter if it was worth the effort or not.
His white hair was kept short and swept from his wrinkled face. Lord Rosier
looked twice his age in his face and that made him twice as dangerous in
Severus' eyes.
“What do you want, boy?”
Severus was eighteen years old. He wasn't a boy anymore and he refused to be
intimidated like one.
“I came to see Evan.”
“At this hour? Without warning? Have you no shame?”
“It is imperative that I see him immediately.” Severus remained strong and
stared the man in the eye. He kept himself from shaking at his utter gall,
knowing fully well that this man could likely kill him in a second if he
fancied. Most of Lucius' father's friends could.
The old man narrowed his eyes and curled his thinly mustached lip. After a long
bout of staring, which Severus refused to back down from, Lord Rosier looked
down to the house elf that had been waiting so quietly with them.
“Go wake Evan. Let him deal with this... miscreant.”
The house elf disappeared with a pop. Silence fell over the two of them as they
waited, Lord Rosier tapping his arm every few moments. Rosier didn't take too
long. He was slightly out of breath when he burst out into the foyer.
“Snape? What are you doing here? Father, I can deal with this.” Lord Rosier
snorted and left.
Severus watched him, then sighed a little and looked at Rosier. “You trusted me
before with your secret. I'm calling that favor. I need a place to stay. Just a
week, then I'll be gone. And there will be... a difficult problem to deal with
in the meantime.”
Rosier nodded. “Anything. I'd be happy to help you. You're free to stay.”
***** And Smile *****
Severus didn't ask how Rosier convinced his father. He'd known the other
Slytherin would pull through for them. After all, Severus held a secret that
could very likely get him killed. And they might have been friends after all.
Maybe. A little bit.
Rosier showed him to a guest room and even healed his face as best he could
before he left him to sleep the rest of the night. Severus didn't sleep. He
laid in bed and stared at the wall and thought about his next move. His
mother's face came back to him time and again but he was done. He'd grieved. He
wasn't going to waste more time, especially now that the edge of grief was
giving way to a deep, burning anger. No. Best to think of the future and not
his achingly recent past.
The next day, Severus told Rosier what he was. He was surprised, a bit
skeptical, but then thought about it and realized it was the only good
explanation to how often Severus had gotten 'sick' in the last year and a half
of school. He took it surprisingly well, actually, and then the two of them
readied an old garden shed that the gardeners used when tending to the huge
amount of greenery surrounding the manor.
Severus went through his transformation and Rosier was there in the morning to
drag him back to his bed with house elves to tend to his wounds. A few days
later, Severus made sure he had all his things and the two bid each other
farewell as Severus left to meet Belby.
The old Greek man was already waiting when Severus arrived. He grabbed
Severus's arm and side-apparated them on to his home and laboratory in Italy,
just outside Rome. Getting his things settled in the room set aside for him
didn't take long. Severus was vibrating with energy. No matter what pains he
still felt, sadnesses that plagued him, this was his one chance for a future.
Belby spoke with him at length over various rules and expectations, then about
his usual working schedule. It would be brutal, but Severus was more than
ready. They began the next day, right at six.
Most of Severus' duties were collecting and preparing ingredients. He ran to
various shops to pick up supplies, went over various oft needed recipes to
commit them to memory, and practiced his techniques when he wasn't directly
assisting Belby in brewing. The first few weeks were arduous and busy, just
what he'd wanted. If he was too busy to think, he was too busy to mourn.
A month later, Severus managed to mask his full moon transformation. He told
Belby he was needed home for a day or two and then escaped out to a place he'd
scouted and prepared in his few free moments just for that purpose. The morning
after, Severus tended to himself as well as he could but he wasn't good at
healing spells. Only a few scrapes lingered long enough to need bandages when
he got back and though Belby gave him a few narrow looks, he didn't question
any of it.
A few weeks after that, Severus accidentally handled silver. He'd been chopping
ingredients into fine slivers and reached blindly for the next bit, only to
grab the silver knife he used for certain ingredients. It burned him
immediately and he uttered a sharp cry of pain as his fingers clenched around
it and continued to burn. He finally managed to drop the knife after moments of
agonizing pain and jerked his hand to his chest. Belby looked up in surprise
and hurried over after seeing the way Severus hunched over himself, face pulled
with pain.
The old man forced him to open his hand. He was bleeding, skin bubbled up and
burned across his palm and fingers as if he'd dropped his hand on an oven
burner. Some of it was even black. Severus resisted the urge to retch.
“What did you do?” Belby demanded as he drew his wand and accio'd a burn salve.
“It...it was just an accident-”
“Damn it, Severus, what did you do?”
“I just-”
“You should be more careful with your hands. Don't you understand that your
livelihood lives in your hands?!”
Severus fell silent. Belby continued to lecture him as he tended to the rather
vicious burn and then wrapped his hand when the damage refused to heal quickly.
He rubbed a numbing salve into the bandages and it helped, but his hand still
throbbed and ached. Severus went back to work and tried to strain his burned
left hand as little as he could.
Belby watched him closely after that. Severus did his best, being as careful as
he possibly could. It took a week for his hand to heal, even with rubbing
salves into the burns.
A week later, Severus asked to visit his family for the full moon. Belby was
more suspicious this time but allowed it. Two days weren't much and Severus had
worked very hard. So, Severus went on back to his transformation spot and came
back once he'd tended to himself as best he could the next day. When he got to
the door, Belby stared at him, frowning as his eyes trailed up and down him.
“Lounge. Now.”
Severus paled and his jaw clenched, but he followed the man into the lounge and
took a seat across from him. Belby sat with his elbows resting on his knees,
hands clasped between. His pockmarked face was twisted with a deep scowl that
deepened the wrinkles in his face.
“You went home, did you?”
“Yes, sir.”
Belby's eyes narrowed. “Does you family beat you, Severus?”
“What?!” Severus fought down a sudden jolt of rage.
“Each time you have gone to see your family, you have returned injured. It
wouldn't be a problem, except that we deal with dangerous substances that can
cause tremendous problems if they were to get into your blood stream.” Of
course Belby didn't care about him personally. He didn't care about anyone
personally.
“They're not. I'm clumsy.”
Belby lifted a thick brow. “I doubt that. However, if your family is not,
indeed, abusing you, then I require a better explanation than 'clumsiness.'”
Severus fell silent. Just how was he suppose to answer this? His bandaged hands
tightened in his lap. Belby gave him a long, hard stare and then sighed.
“Severus, I don't appreciate being lied to.” Severus started to retort, but
Belby held up one hand to silence him. “I understand you like your privacy. As
long as it doesn't affect your working for me, I could care less what you do on
your own time. But I will not be lied to. Do you understand that?”
“Yes, sir.”
Belby sighed again and raked a hand through his frizzy white hair, eyes closed
and a line of annoyance creased between his brows. “Good. Now explain.”
Swallowing, Severus dropped his gaze down to his hands, wringing his fingers.
What was he suppose to say? If Belby knew that he'd done it to himself, that
the werewolf's craving for violence was why he came back scratched bloody, he'd
be tossed out in a second.
Belby watched him all the while, his brown eyes hard and without an ounce of
kindness. His annoyance was palpable and yet, Severus still could say nothing.
Finally, the old man let out a soft, grumpy sound.
“I wouldn't suppose it had anything to do with why you burned yourself nearly
to bone with a silver knife.”
Severus's eyes snapped wide. He jerked his head up, staring at Belby
incredulously. The old man nodded faintly and folded his arms over his chest.
“You're an unregistered werewolf.” Severus could do nothing to defend himself.
Belby was too smart to be turned aside now. “You should have told me. I was
planning on working with silver through the next two weeks. The fumes would
have killed you.”
“I'm sorry.” Severus dropped his head, shoulders hunching. “I'm sorry. I
didn't... I didn't think it would matter. That I could hide it.”
“You might have. But you'd still have ended up dead.” Belby scrunched his face
again. “Look. This may be of use to me.”
Severus glanced up, just the faintest bit hopeful. After all, Belby hadn't
tossed him out on his arse yet.
“I've been working on a pet project for the last year or so,” the old man
began, watching him critically. “At first, it was a potion to try and cure
lycanthropy. However... I've decided this is not possible.”
Somehow, Severus felt the slightest edge of disappointment, even though he knew
this was true.
“However, there may be a way of controlling the wolf form. Putting it under the
human's control. I've set out to do this through potions.”
“That... That would be genius,” Severus remarked quietly, faintly awed. He
hadn't thought that could be possible, even less so than curing it completely.
Belby's lips quirked just faintly, not a real smile, but a show of amusement.
“Yes, I thought you might appreciate that. Severus, you and I are in a unique
position here.” Belby leaned forward, resting his hands on his knees as he
looked at Severus intensely. “Here, we have two wizards with advanced potions
understanding and a werewolf with everything to gain from this research coming
out a success.”
It took Severus only a few moments to realize what the man was proposing. “I
would be a test subject.”
“If you so chose to be.” Yes, you would.
There really wasn't much of a choice, really. Severus agreed, mostly because he
was terrified Belby would send him packing if he didn't. They began quickly.
Most of it was researching and testing various reactions. Some of it, Severus
couldn't be near to witness, such as when Belby was using silver or wolfsbane,
but the theory work he could do just fine.
Months passed before the first human trial. Severus nauseas and sick for days
after the first batch with no defined difference during the transformation.
Another batch left him deathly ill for weeks. Slowly, over the rest of the
year, Belby perfected the formula little by little. Severus spent more time ill
than actually assisting him. Somehow, he felt like he was accomplishing
something anyway.
And then they finished it. A working prototype. Unfortunately, it only worked
if Severus took it a full seven days before the full moon, but the fact that it
worked at all was astonishing. The transformation was still painful and horrid,
but afterward, he remained cognizant and in control of himself. The wolf
instincts were still there, as were his heightened senses, but the vile need
for violence was gone. He could have cried in relief.
Belby took full credit in the patent, as was his due. He did, however, make
sure that Severus was noted as potions assistant through the full course. It
didn't mean anything to anyone except them, but that was enough.
Severus sent word to Lupin. It would be a good year or so before the Ministry
gave full permission for the potion to be used on the public, but there was
hope for the future. Lupin wrote back soon enough to thank him for the
information and added in a hint that future letters would be appreciated.
Severus decided he would think about it.
***** And Know You Did It *****
After completing the Wolfsbane potion, there were only a few weeks before
Severus completed his internship, tested, and gained his Mastery in Potions.
All he got was a bit of paper, but it still made him feel more accomplished
than even graduating from Hogwarts had. He left Belby behind after the man
helped him secure a position as junior potions maker for St. Mungo's. Severus
found a flat nearby.
December brought another letter from Lupin. They had been trading words off and
on but Severus ended up staring at the page for a good while, wondering how to
feel about it. Sirius Black's brother Regulus was dead. It had happened weeks
ago but Black, and by proxy Lupin since they were now living together, had only
found out recently. Lupin was cut up about it and there was evidence that he'd
been killed by Death Eaters. Which was preposterous, since Severus remembered
Lucius mentioning the brat as part of Lord Voldemort's service. Severus still
didn't know quite what to think after Lucius admitted to following the man like
his father did, but he knew Lucius trusted him with the truth. Why on earth
would Death Eaters kill one of their own, especially from a pure blood, dark
family? It didn't make sense. He remembered Regulus from school, of course. The
brat was in his house, one year under, and an arrogant shit at that, for all
his cowardice. No loss to the world, but his death still didn't make sense.
In January, Severus received and invitation to Lily and Potter's wedding. He
ripped it into tiny pieces and then burned them. No. He couldn't do that. Even
if it was petty and childish, he just couldn't deal with that. They married in
mid February. Lily sent him pictures. He kept a few and ended up ripping Potter
out of a few more. She'd been beautiful in her wedding dress and when her image
turned and smiled at him, his heart fluttered painfully.
Severus threw himself into work. He hated most of his coworkers but the nice
thing about being a potions maker was that most other potions makers were just
as anti-social as he was. There were a few friends, here and there, but for the
most part, none of them much cared to bother with the others. It made things so
much easier.
Weeks flew by. He met with Lucius and Rosier here and there. Sometimes he wrote
to Lupin. They never said much of substance, but he didn't mind. Belby sent him
updates on getting the Wolfsbane potion finalized and through Ministry
regulations. It was going well. They hoped to have it in use by December.
Rosier was killed in late March along with Wilkes by Aurors. The paper said the
two of them had been suspected of Dark Arts activities in relation to the Death
Eaters and were suppose to be brought in for questioning but became violent
when the Aurors arrived. Severus doubted it. He couldn't imagine either of them
attacking anyone first and besides, one of the Aurors in question was Alaster
Moody. The man was a confirmed mad dog.
Wilkes' funeral was first. It was a small thing. The family wasn't prosperous.
Severus stood in the rain and watched the coffin lower to the sound of Wilkes'
mother sobbing into her sister's shoulder. Two days later, it was still raining
when he watched Rosier's coffin. It didn't seem right that the two of them were
buried away from each other. Rosier's mother was silent, as was his father.
Everyone was silent. No eulogy. No tears. Absolute silence.
When it was over, Severus walked with Lucius away from the grave site. Lucius's
umbrella kept the blond dry but splatters of rain found their way to Severus
and joined that which he hadn't bothered to block. His heavy cloak was already
soaked but he didn't care. Severus felt numb already.
They went back to Lucius's house and cast drying spells but neither spoke as
Lucius led them back to a more private sun room. Not that it was all that sunny
with how hard the rain fell. Severus sat down at the small, round table and
watched it fall.
“They were murdered, you know,” Lucius murmured softly. Severus didn't even
twitch.
“Moody,” he whispered.
“Yeah.” Lucius sighed softly, resting his head on one hand. “Father... Father
is going to try and have him ousted. I'm doing the same, but I haven't gathered
much power yet.”
Severus nodded a little and kept watching water droplets slid down the window.
He wasn't sure how to feel about this. And at the same time, there was guilt.
He hadn't felt this numb when his mother died. But Rosier and Wilkes... He'd
spent seven years being friends with them. He could admit that now, that they'd
been friends. He wondered if Rosier had been in pain when he died, but then
realized he likely was, since Aurors didn't often use fast kills. It made him
sick inside.
“Can he be discredited?”
“The man is insane. It won't be difficult.”
Severus nodded faintly. It didn't soothe him, but it was something to think
about. They didn't talk much further and Severus got up to leave. Lucius walked
him to the apparition point.
“Severus. Do you remember when you met Lord Voldemort?” He nodded, glancing
back at the blond. “He's asked about you again. He'd like to meet with you, if
you're amiable.”
“I'll think about it.”
Lucius frowned softly. “Severus. This isn't a man you make wait.”
“I know.” Severus slid his hands into his pockets. “I know that. But I can't
think about it right now. After Rosier... I just...a few days. Give me a few
days to think and... and recover.”
Lucius set a hand on his shoulder and Severus managed not to flinch. After a
while, Severus sighed softly and then left. He went back to his flat and sat
down in his tiny living room, staring at a blank wall. Two friends dead and
nothing gained for it. He wanted to hunt Alaster Moody down and murder the
bastard in his sleep, not that it would help anything. Severus covered his face
with his hands. Damn it...
A tapping at his window caught his attention. Severus rose and opened it,
receiving the owl and letter it held numbly. He gave the bird an owl treat and
then opened his missive.
“SS-
I heard about Wilkes and Rosier. I know they were your friends, so I'm sorry
you've lost them. If you need anything – or just to talk – I'm here for you.
-RL”
Severus frowned darkly. He should have ripped it up and sent the bird on its
way... but he didn't. Instead, he found a bit of parchment and replied with the
location of a muggle bar nearby. The owl headed off once he'd tied the letter
in place. Severus watched it until it disappeared from him. Why the hell had he
just done that...?
Still, he changed his clothing to a set of slacks and turtleneck he tended to
work in. Even though they were black, they didn't quite seem like mourning
clothes. He didn't feel like mourning anymore. Closing his eyes, Severus
apparated near to the place, walked in, and sat down at the bar, ordering. He
didn't care how long it took Lupin to get there. Hopefully, he'd be good and
pissed before hand.
Barely an hour after he arrived, Severus had moved over to a booth and sat
staring at a shot of whiskey he hadn't intended to pour. After the first two or
three, he'd just bought the damn bottle and had been nursing it slowly since.
Severus downed the shot on principle and didn't really mean to pour another,
but did so anyway. And that just meant he had to take that one too.
“You're worse than I thought.”
Severus glanced up, scowling at Lupin's damnably sorry face. “Sit.”
“You could say please.” But Lupin sat down across from him anyway. He eyed the
more than half empty bottle of whiskey and then the new shot Severus was
staring at. “You know alcohol isn't going to help anything.”
“I know.” Didn't keep him from downing the shot, though. Lupin sighed.
“You called me out here. So talk.”
“I don't want to talk.”
Lupin lifted a brow. “You wanted a drinking buddy? I don't drink.”
“Then sit there and watch me do it.”
The other werewolf snorted but didn't look happy with it. Severus really didn't
care. He rested his head on one hand and poured another shot. Maybe when the
bottle was empty, he'd throw it at Lupin and see what happened. Why had he
asked him to come there?
“Severus. Talk to me.”
His dark eyes flickered up to Lupin's face. Severus? Well. They were alone. It
might be okay for him to be Remus for a little while.
“Rosier was murdered,” he said out of the blue and Remus sucked in a quick
breath before getting that sad look on his face.
“He was a Death Eater, Severus.”
“And that makes it all right to murder him?” Severus hissed back, scowling as
his grip on the shot glass tightened. “He was a human being!”
“And he'd hurt innocent people!” Remus snarled. Severus laughed.
“Evan? Hurt people? That's a lie!”
“He was wanted for counts of arson, destruction of property, violence against
muggles-”
“They deserved it, the bastards!”
Remus' nostrils flared and his hands tightened on the table. “Innocent people
deserved being burned alive in their own homes? Raped and tortured and
murdered?”
“Muggles. Aren't. Innocent,” Severus growled as he threw back another shot.
“They are an inferior, useless drain on our world that should have been erased
years ago-”
“My parents are both halfbloods,” Remus murmured softly, his voice edged with a
hint of violence as he glared at the other wizard. “Two of my grandparents were
muggles. There are good and bad muggles, Severus just like good and bad
wizards-”
“Shut the fuck up-”
“I'm not listening to your pureblood bullshit!” Remus rested his hands on the
table and stood up. “I thought you were a decent person. I thought I could look
past your arrogant Slytherin crap and see someone worth knowing. I don't.
You're despicable.”
He left with Severus staring after him angrily. No. No, he wasn't going to be
spoken to like that. Severus got up and followed him, leaving the near empty
whiskey bottle behind. He stalked Remus out along the street, followed until
Remus turned into an alley way to apparate in, then grabbed the other man and
shoved him back against the brick of the next building. Remus snarled a warning
but Severus wasn't interested in listening to it.
“You're not leaving yet,” he growled into Remus' face as the other glared right
back at him.
***** Because You Wanted To *****
“Let go of me,” Remus growled. Severus narrowed his eyes.
“No. Not yet. You... You can't talk to me that way. You're not allowed to-”
“Allowed? You're not my keeper, Snape! You've no say in what I can or can't
do!”
Back to Snape. Fine. Severus hated the way that made his chest clenched and
that just made him angrier. He shoved Lupin back harder against rain wettened
brick, earning a snarl edged in slight pain and then Lupin grabbed his upper
arms in a hard grip.
“What do you want from me?!” Lupin demanded.
“I don't know!” Severus roared back and then shoved him again. It hurt.
Something hurt badly inside and Lupin was making it worse. It burned and
churned and bled... “I don't know anything anymore! Evan is dead, you idiot!
He's dead and he couldn't have deserved that. He couldn't have deserved bloody
Alaster Moody! I won't believe it!”
“Damn it, Snape! Get your head out of your arse and look at reality!”
“No! You look at reality!” Severus shoved him again but this time, Lupin
returned it and they stumbled across the alley until Severus' back was the one
against the wall. The pain that struck up his spine was good enough to blame
for how his eyes burned and the rain for his wet cheeks.
“Death Eater, Snape! A dirty, no good, selfish murderer-”
“SHUT UP!” Severus tried to hit him but Lupin grabbed his arm and pinned it
down. “Damnit, Lupin-”
“No! I know he was your friend! I know you cared about him! But he did horrible
things! He didn't deserve to die, but he deserved something, you stupid fool!”
Severus sagged against the brick with a ragged sob. A moment later, Lupin had
him wrapped up against his chest and Severus sobbed brokenly into his shoulder.
It hurt, burning through him like wildfire, and he was to drunk to bother
trying to hide it. Severus clutched to Remus's jacket, fingers digging into his
back as he pressed his face harder into Lupin's shoulder.
“Damn it,” he sobbed out, drawing back one hand to beat it weakly against
Lupin's chest. Lupin was silent and just held him tighter.
“I'm sorry,” he whispered and Severus didn't answer. He didn't have the
strength to.
Somehow, Lupin managed to get his address out of him because Severus found
himself staggering beside Lupin in the rain in front of his flat. He managed to
drag a key free from his pocket, not trusting himself with spell work now that
it was difficult to just walk straight, and let them in. Lupin got him to his
chair and Severus collapsed into it, soaking wet.
“I don't suppose you have any tea,” Lupin murmured. He sounded a little raw.
“Cupboard.”
Lupin went to the kitchen and Severus rested his head in his hands. He felt
raw. Raw and exposed and strained... He barely noticed time had gone by until a
hot mug was pressed into his hands. Severus took it, glaring at the swirling
brown liquid. He wondered where his whiskey had gotten. He wasn't drunk enough
yet, but he'd be damned if he asked Lupin for anything.
There wasn't another chair. Lupin ended up leaning against Severus' as he idly
sipped from his own mug.
“I'm tired.” Severus heard Lupin shift and felt his eyes on him but he
continued to stare at his tea. “I'm just... so tired. I don't know what to do.
I don't know-”
His hands were shaking. Lupin straightened from the chair. Severus dropped the
mug and it clattered onto the floor, spilling tea over his clean floor and rug.
Then he buried his face in his hands.
“Rosier and Wilkes are gone.” He hated the vulnerable, scared sound to his
voice but he could do little to change it. He heard Lupin draw in a quick, soft
breath and then felt a hand on his back. “They're gone. And... And Mother,
she...”
“Your mother...?” It came from in front of him but Severus couldn't manage the
will to lift his head. Remus' hand was hot against his back and then slid to
his shoulder, gripping. “Tell me.”
“She's dead.” In the last two years, he'd never admitted it. He'd waited,
wanting to believe that Tobias had, for once, lied to him instead of telling
brunt truth. That Eileen would appear before him one day with her mousy, not
quite smile and her tiny hands and her flinches and trembles. Suddenly, he was
in Remus' arms again, but he couldn't untangle his fingers from his own hair.
“Oh, Severus... I'm so sorry.”
“I wasn't there. I'm never there. Always...I...”
Remus held him tighter and Severus could feel breath against his hair as a
weight settled on his shoulder. He shivered and his breathing hitched. Merlin,
why was Remus always there at his worst?
“I-I wasn't even there to bury her...”
“Severus. It... It's all right. I'm sure she'd forgive you. You were busy- the
potion- and-”
“No.” Severus finally moved, grabbing Remus' shoulder and shoving him back away
from him as he straightened. His face was dry but he felt so very dead inside.
Somehow, he managed to lift his gaze up to Remus' face. “She died almost two
years ago.”
“Two years...?”
Severus' gaze didn't waver, through Remus' eyes widened. “We were in school.
Seventh year. She died in November.”
“But..but why didn't you tell me? You suffered through that with everything-”
“No. He didn't tell me. Father. He didn't tell me until I went home.”
Remus fell silent, his gaze incredulous. Finally, Severus sighed and looked
away, rubbing his forehead as he felt a slow headache coming on.
“He buried her. I wasn't...”
“Severus, that isn't your fault,” Remus said with sudden force, brows furrowed.
“You can't blame yourself for that. It's not your fault he didn't tell you
until so long after.”
“I should have..”
“What? Psychically felt her death? Severus, you're only human!”
Severus looked up at him, searching his eyes. Remus looked almost angry now.
Angry for him or at him, he wasn't sure. But it cause a strange flutter in his
belly. Remus was still talking, but Severus stopped listening, instead just
watching. He watched the way Remus' eyes sparked when he was passionate about
something, how his lips parted and shaped over upset words, how his face was
faintly flushed with righteous anger.
He moved without thinking about it. Severus's hands fisted in the front of
Remus's sweater as he dragged him in and brought an end to the torrent of words
with his mouth. Lupin made a muffled sound and he felt hands at his shoulders
again, but ignored them as he tilted his head, deepening the angle, and thrust
his tongue deep into the other man's mouth. He could taste the faint hint of
chamomile on Remus' tongue...
Remus planted both hands against Severus' chest and pushed, breaking the
contact between them. Severus panted faintly, his lips tingling as he looked at
the other in confusion. What? Did he do it wrong? Had he been suppose to wait
until Remus did it? That's how it had been before, when they were in school.
Before everything had become so very complicated. He'd always waited. Let Remus
choose when and where. Let Remus start things.
“Severus, I...”
“You don't like whiskey.” It was nonsensical, really, but Severus didn't think
he had much sense at that point.
“What? No. I don't mind it, but-”
“Why?”
Remus looked at him, face flushed and lips kiss bruised, then turned his head
away. His hands were still firm against his chest.
“I... What happened before-”
“You regret it.”
Remus stiffened and then Severus sighed softly. Of course he did. They weren't
kids anymore. It was suppose to have ended as 'nothing', not ever having the
chance to be 'something'. Severus should have wondered why he cared. Instead,
he leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes.
“Get out.”
“Severus-”
“Just go. Please.”
He heard Remus get up and start for the door, but then things went quiet again.
Severus almost thought he'd just missed the sound of the door opening, but then
he heard Remus sigh.
“Sirius... I'm with him now.”
Severus said nothing, but it was like a kick in the gut. He stared at his blank
wall. Behind him, Remus swallowed audibly.
“He's good to me. We're living together. We...we're in love.”
He didn't care. He didn't care. Severus stubbornly told himself that, even as
he felt his heart stop and his hands tighten on the arms of the chair.
“Severus?”
“I told you to leave.”
There was silence. And then the door opened, shut, and the silence became
worse. Severus stayed in his chair. He didn't think. He was tired of thinking.
He was tired of hurting as well, but there seemed no end to that. His chest was
tight and his lungs burned and he felt as if there were something suddenly gone
from him, inexplicably stolen away. Its absence ached inside of him, a deep
agony that should have killed him, but hadn't. And suddenly, what Severus had
been wanting, what he'd been missing, fell into place. His eyes went wide and
he drew in a sudden, hitched breath. Dear Merlin.
Of all the inane, stupid things he could have done, he'd fallen for Remus
bloody Lupin.
***** And Not Because You Had To *****
The next day, Severus woke with a headache and the solemn vow not to have any
feelings at all for Remus Lupin. He would control this. He would manage it.
Dear Merlin, as if he didn't have enough to worry about with Lily. Even
thinking her name made him ache and now that ache was being echoed by thoughts
of Lupin.
No. Not this time. He wasn't going to go through this again.
It wasn't as if he'd had a chance anyway. Severus remembered a conversation
they'd had, before what he'd dubbed their real 'first time'. He remembered
Lupin admitting to loving someone but he hadn't thought of it at the time. Had
Lupin loved Black, even then? Severus sneered. Couldn't get Black to get it up
for him then, so he'd come after Severus? Stupid. Stupid. He should never have
fallen for it. And even if that hadn't been the case, it had been two years
since they finished school. Two years to grow and change and... and fall in
love.
He almost hoped they weren't in love. He hoped Black was using him because that
meant Black was the bad guy. There had to be a bad guy. He needed someone to
hate and he couldn't quite muster up hate for Lupin. Not yet. Maybe tomorrow.
Merlin. He'd been rejected by every person he'd ever cared about.
Severus sat down hard in his chair and tried very hard to find some logical
explanation for that. There wasn't any except for his own failures. His own
inadequacies. Damn it...
Somehow, he managed to make himself eat. Severus sent word to Lucius and asked
to arrange for him to meet Lord Voldemort. There seemed no reason to wait. He'd
listen to what the man wanted of him and then decide what to do from there.
Besides, it would be nice to see Lucius again so soon. The older man was always
so busy in his politics... Maybe they could have a little time to just talk.
Have lunch. Something. He didn't want to be alone.
Lucius was rather prompt with his answer. Apparently, there was another of
those parties that night and “their friend” would be attending. Severus barely
took time to shower and dress before he apparated there. It was still late
morning. Lucius met him at the apparition point and led him inside.
“Narcissa is out having a day with some of her friends,” Lucius murmured
casually. “It will be just us until this evening.”
Severus nodded. That was just how he wanted it. “How are you...doing?”
“Hm?” Lucius glanced at him, searching his face. “Oh. I'm all right, Severus. I
wasn't as close to them as you were. How are you holding up now? You don't seem
to have had the best of nights, judging from your eyes.”
“...I may have finished off a bottle of whiskey. I'm not entirely sure.”
Lucius snorted. “Whiskey? Terrible stuff. Next time you feel the need to
inebriate yourself, come here. We'll at least do it properly with something
more tasteful.”
Severus heard the offer for what it was and felt rather grateful. There were
times when he wondered why Lucius bothered with him, but then the blond said
things like that. They went inside and had an early lunch. It was calming,
easy. Lucius got him up to date. Apparently, Narcissa was pregnant and due in
early June. Lucius wanted him to be the godfather. Severus was flattered, of
course, and accepted with a bit of convincing.
“Excellent,” Lucius murmured when he'd finally agreed. He smiled, resting his
head on one hand. “Are you seeing anyone, Sev? We'd like to choose a godmother
before the baby is born. And from what Mulciber was saying, you were always
sneaking about at school, so I thought perhaps...”
Severus blinked and then his chest tightened as he glanced down to the tea he'd
been stirring for almost an hour.
“No,” he said softly. Lucius paused a little.
“...Don't tell me you're still hung up on that mudblood.”
“Don't call her that,” Severus growled, jaw tight. Lucius sighed and reached
over, clamping a hand on his shoulder.
“Severus. That bint didn't want you. She's married now and, from what I hear,
getting fat with Potter's spawn. It's time to get over that infatuation and
find someone else.”
The problem, of course, was that Severus had just realized he had found someone
else. And that someone else didn't want him either.
“I know,” he murmured quietly.
“Sev, I worry about you. I truly do. You're so alone.”
Lovely. He'd have to find a way to thank Lucius properly for rubbing it in.
Lucius sighed and got up before grabbing Severus' hand to haul him to his feet
as well.
“Come on. We're going to walk in the gardens and you'll tell me all your nasty
little secrets so that I can find a proper mate for you. I'll not have one of
my friends spend the rest of their life alone.”
Severus sighed but he followed him anyway. Lucius meant well, even if nearly
every word out of his damn mouth made him feel worse. The flowers were lovely,
even if most of them tried to reach out and snatch them up. Lucius wound a
careful path through them with Severus trailing close behind.
“Has there been anyone else?” Lucius asked. “I mean, it has been years since
Hogwarts, hasn't it? Perhaps a coworker. Another potions maker or the like.”
“No, none of them,” Severus murmured with a roll of his eyes. “I'd rather die
than touch most of them.”
“Too much like you?” Lucius smirked and then waved a hand when Severus gave him
a nasty look. “Come now. Don't tell me you've been with no one all this time.”
“Well, there was...” Severus trailed off and sighed, frowning. Damn it. He
hadn't meant to spill anything to Lucius, but the blond caught the hesitation.
“Yes, go on. We don't have all day.”
“It... It started back in school.”
“Delicious, who was it?”
Severus curled his hands in his robes along his hips. “That...”
“Come now, Severus. No need to be ashamed. Even an ugly woman is better than
none. At least it wasn't a man like some have taken to-”
Lucius cut himself off when Severus went absolutely silent. Gray eyes narrowed.
“Was it a man, Severus?”
He closed his eyes, frowning deeply. Merlin, how could he have been so stupid
to let such a thing into the open? He jolted when he felt Lucius touch his
shoulder and looked at him sharply.
“Stop that,” Lucius said harshly. “Don't you even start with that blasted self-
depreciation you're so fond of. I could care less who you sleep with, Severus,
as long as you're happy. And you're obviously not happy, so do tell me the
bastard's name so that I can erase him from the world.”
Severus stared at him. What...?”
“Honestly, Severus, you act as if you're the only one to ever have leanings
towards their own sex.”
Severus's eyes went wider but Lucius just looked at him with that same holier-
than-thou expression on his face, brow raised.
“It isn't as if it will keep you from marrying some woman and reproducing later
if you play around with men first. Or during, for that matter. And knowing does
certainly give me the right... ahem, traits to search for.”
“I don't want to date anyone,” Severus muttered stubbornly but Lucius just
snorted.
“Right. You do so love your own misery. I swear, Severus, you'd lop off your
own nose to spite yourself.”
Severus rolled his eyes, folding his arms across his chest. “I didn't come here
to be teased, Lucius.”
“No, you came here to try and forget your misery but every attempt I make, you
rebuke.” Lucius sighed a little. Then he stepped closer and dropped an arm over
Severus's shoulders, ignoring the way he stiffened. “Now. Severus. Tell me what
kind of guy you like.”
His cheeks flushed but Severus just frowned. “...It's not that I like men,
Lucius. Just... Just the one.”
“Oh, don't be so shy. There's nothing at all wrong with it. I mean, you're
straight enough to still be after Potter's woman, so what does any of that
matter?” Severus's frown deepened but Lucius just pressed on. “Come on. Tell
me. We'll be like those mushy girls back in school.”
Severus briefly got an image of himself and Lucius sitting in the dorm, doing
each other's nails as they gushed over such and such Quidditch player. It was
enough to make him snort a bit and his spirits raised. Lucius grinned when he
noticed.
“What about broad shoulders? Or do you like the fae ones? More like women, that
way.”
“No. That kind annoys me...” He couldn't believe he was actually thinking about
this.
“All right. Broad shoulders then. What about hair color? Blonds maybe?”
“Erm. I don't think that matters...”
“All right then. A pretty face, maybe.” Severus thought back unconsciously to
Lupin. Definitely not a pretty face, but not ugly either. He shook his head a
bit. “Hm. So, not like a woman? All right. Well, you'd definitely want a good
body. Maybe someone smart, so they don't bore you to tears? But very sexy. The
librarian type. I'm sure I can find someone like that.”
“Lucius......”
“Hush now, I'm trying to help you. Honestly.” Lucius paused and gave him a
glance, looking him up and down. “I don't suppose your the... ah... submissive
sort?”
“What?” Severus stared at him, a bit confused. “What's that suppose to mean?”
“Hm. How should I put it delicately... The catcher?” That just made him even
more confused. What on earth...? “The bottom? The... Merlin, Severus, are you a
virgin?”
Severus, red faced, said nothing. Lucius stared a bit and then a smirk broke
out on his face. Then he started steering Severus right back towards the house.
“You are. How hilarious! Well. That certainly explains a few things. We're
going to have to fix that, now won't we?”
***** And Not Because You're Expected *****
“Lucius, where the hell are you dragging me?” Severus asked with annoyance as
Lucius pulled him into the manor and continued through various hallways.
“To my bedroom, of course.”
Severus stumbled, looking at the blond's back incredulously. “Excuse me?!”
“I do recall telling you we'd fix this little problem of yours.”
“You can't be serious!"
Suddenly, Severus found himself up against a door with Lucius looming over him,
gray eyes boring into him. A shiver ran down his spine. Dear Merlin, what the
hell was going on?
“I am quite serious, Severus,” Lucius purred out, lifting one hand to brush
along Severus's sharp jaw almost tenderly. “Whoever this man was that so
enraptured you, he obviously didn't want you completely if you're still a
virgin. I intend to change that.”
“But...but why?”
Lucius smiled, rather amused. “Because you're my friend, Severus, and I'd
rather you have this knowledge than leave it up to someone who might injure you
badly. And if you're going to lose it, it should be with someone who gives a
damn about you.”
Severus stared at him and tried not to let those words hurt him. Give a damn?
He'd thought Lupin had. At least some. Maybe he never had. Lucius sighed a
little.
“I want to be your first, Severus... And you might as well figure out if you
really do like it. Unless I'm not your type?”
“No, it's just... I... I hadn't thought of doing anything like... this.” He
didn't even know what this was.
“It'll be fun, Severus. And feel very good. Surely better than whatever
fumbling that buffoon offered you.”
Severus didn't remember it as fumbling. He remembered it as hot and heavy and
too good and- He flushed. “Lucius...”
The blond just smiled and then started dragging him all over again. Severus
stumbled behind him every few steps. Damn Lucius and his longer strides... He
barely noticed they'd made it to Lucius's bedroom when there was a sudden
devouring mouth upon his own. Severus jerked with surprise but Lucius was
determined to get a reaction from him. It wasn't like Lupin, he drew him out
with a firm resolve and patience, but more of a title wave of force. Severus
trembled faintly as Lucius began at his buttons, tongue reaching deep to taste
him fully. Merlin, was he really going to do this?
Severus jerked his head aside, panting. “Lucius... Lucius, stop!”
“Hush now,” Lucius murmured as he began to nibble along his neck, tugging his
shirt farther open to get at more skin. Severus clenched his jaw. It felt good
but so very wrong. Lucius's fingers were smooth against his skin but harsh with
pressure. Severus shivered, gripping Lucius's shoulders as he tried to push him
back.
“No, I can't do this, Lucius-”
“Don't fight me.” Lucius's voice was cool as he lifted his head and looked at
Severus in the face. “You'll enjoy this.”
Severus tried to respond but there was suddenly a hand between his legs,
squeezing and he wheezed with the strangest mix of arousal and pain. Lucius
went back to devouring his throat as Severus shuddered against him. It wasn't
all unpleasant, but all Severus could think about was how different his touch
was to Lupin's.
Maybe he needed this. Maybe the only way to forget Lupin was to erase his touch
with someone else's.
His robes pooled to the floor before Severus managed to start on Lucius's.
Lucius slid hard fingers down his chest and belly, edging along the hem of his
slacks before starting on them as well, just as Severus got the man's shirt
open.
Don't think, he told himself, desperate to follow his own advice. Don't
think...
Thin fingers wrapped around his cock before he realized his pants had been
undone. Severus let out a sharp sound and Lucius chuckled against his throat as
he stroked, pleased with how Severus hardened in his hand. Severus bit his lip,
hands drawing down Lucius's chest to find his pants and reciprocate, but his
hands were slapped away.
“Just feel,” Lucius purred at his ear before nibbling it and causing more
shivers down Severus's back. “I want to show you what it can be like. How good
it can be. Trust me.”
The words felt more like a silkily spoken curse than reassurance but Severus
couldn't find it in himself not to respond to them. Lupin had said to him with
all those kind words, all his gentle touches, all his reassurances. He'd
thought he could believe in them.
Severus let Lucius strip him completely, even though his face shown with
embarrassment. He let Lucius press him back onto the bed, returning the kiss
when Lucius crawled over him to capture his lips. He shivered under Lucius's
hands as the blond smoothed his fingers down his sides, leaving reddened marks
here and there when he pressed too hard.
Lucius had never betrayed him.
Lucius did things with his mouth Lupin never had. He made Severus whine and
writhe, arch and cry out. And when he urged Severus onto his belly, he went
willingly. Even when it hurt, when Lucius split him down the middle and it
burned and throbbed down his spine, he let it happen. Because Lucius had said
to trust him and Severus wanted desperately to believe in something. Anything.
This was how men loved? This almost violent coupling... Was this what he'd
wanted with Lupin? It burned inside as Lucius moved but he was soothed by the
hot brush of every breath against his neck, by Lucius' hands sliding over his
skin, by Lucius' softly spoken words. And the burn gave way to a deeper
pleasure that nearly made up for it. Nearly. Not quite. But he was still hard
and his body yearned. Severus reached between his legs to sate that need as
Lucius drove ever harder and deeper into his body.
He felt the hot spill of liquid within him before he managed to join Lucius in
orgasm. Then they lay still, panting. Lucius still throbbed inside him, too
big, too much, and he felt a bone deep soreness. Severus closed his eyes and
covered them with one hand, only slightly surprised to find them wet.
“Severus? Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Just... Give me a moment.”
He felt Lucius' lips brush the back of his neck before the man carefully
withdrew from him. Severus shivered and bit his lip at the uncomfortable
feeling of liquid sliding along his thighs. Lucius' arms remained around him, a
slight anchor for the turbulence within him.
It hadn't worked. He hadn't thought it would, either. Lupin's touch was burned
into his skin.
Lucius gave him a potion for the soreness and various other little pains. They
washed alone and Severus stared at his fingers when they came back bloody from
between his thighs. Violent. Was everything about being human violent? Severus
swallowed thickly and washed the evidence away as the potion healed him from
the inside out. Erasing the evidence.
He wished it would erase it from his mind as well.
Lucius' treatment of him was exactly the same after. Severus wasn't surprised.
After all, hadn't Lupin told him that one needed be loved to be wanted like
that? At least Lucius gave a damn about him.
His robes would have done fine in his opinion, but Lucius insisted on something
more. He ended up finding a more ornate set of robes, black thankfully, that
only needed a few adjustments for Severus' leaner frame. Severus felt rather
silly in them but Lucius swore he cut quite the figure. It felt vaguely
uncomfortable as Lucius adjusted it here and there, hands sliding over his
body. He said nothing about it, however, and just brushed out his hair, letting
it drape around his neck and shoulders loose as usual.
“Never cut that, all right?” Lucius murmured with a little smile. “Short hair
would look horrid with your facial structure.”
Severus lifted a brow. He doubted his facial structure would look good with
anything. And for some reason, he thought about cutting his hair just to spite
Lucius.
The two of them ate a light meal before the guests began arriving. Severus was
sore but managed to hide it as he floated about at Lucius' side. Most of the
guests were social elite and few of them had any reason to speak with him,
except by proxy of Lucius. After all, as far as they were concerned, he was a
lower class pure blood and they had nothing they wanted of him, so why bother?
At least, as a friend of Lucius, they didn't start to giggle and gossip until
they were mostly out of audible range.
Severus was used to this. It had been that way from the beginning, since he
started accepting Lucius' invitation. He used to wonder if Lucius did it to
feel superior, but that felt petty and stupid. Frankly, he doubted Lucius
really thought that far. Instead, it seemed he was there for Lucius to impart
amusing criticisms of the surrounding pure bloods to. A few times, Severus had
to use every bit of his willpower not to burst out laughing.
Narcissa joined them later in the night. Severus almost felt guilty and
awkward, thinking back to what he'd done with Lucius, but then realized that
her escort was far too close to her side and treated her with far too much
regard to be a simple friend. It wouldn't be the first loveless marriage he'd
heard of among the social elite... Narcissa was very round with child but had
robes tailored so perfectly that the mound only accentuated her. She smiled
beautifully and didn't seem to mind his inquiries about her health and that of
her child. She was quite pleased to find out that he'd agreed to be godfather
and he thought her smile was rather sincere.
When she finally went off again with her escort, Lucius watched her with a
strange look on his face.
“That's my heir,” he said quietly. Severus glanced at him, intrigued by the
oddly gentle tone in his voice.
“Lucius?”
The blond blinked a little, then smiled. “Oh, don't mind me. I'm thinking of
grandiose things that you'd never care about. Shall I get us more wine?”
He was gone with the empty glasses before Severus could stop him. Severus
sighed a little, folding his arms over his chest. He inched his way out of the
crowd Lucius had left him within, then rested more comfortably at the fringe,
back pressed securely against one intricately wallpapered wall. Severus
preferred being on the outside. He liked watching the strange dance of fake
smiles and veiled comments, seeing the little secret partnerships here and
there, then the more public alliances. The pure bloods acted like visiting
dignitaries. In a way, he supposed they were.
“Hello, Severus Snape. It's good to see you again.”
Severus jumped a little, turning his head quickly. He hadn't heard anyone
approach! Standing beside him, leaning back against the wall as he did, was
Lord Voldemort. Two years had changed him. He still exuded that same dangerous
charisma and dark beauty, but he was aging and there was faint strain around
his reddish brown eyes. Whatever he'd been up to, it was taking a toll on him.
“I don't suppose you've thought about my offer these last few years...?”
***** And Certainly Not *****
Severus thought he'd be ready for this. He wasn't. Not at all.
“I...”
Lord Voldemort smiled coldly, sending a shiver along Severus' back. He wasn't
an idiot seventeen year old who didn't know who he was talking to. This man
would not allow another slight to go unpunished.
“I suppose it is a decision not to be made lightly,” Lord Voldemort chuckled
out and, blessedly, his gaze slid back to the crowd. Severus felt a little
better not to have Lord Voldemort's eyes boring into him like that.
“I have been thinking about it,” Severus admitted quietly, arms tightening
their hold around him. “I... I wouldn't want to enter into it half-heartedly.”
The older man snorted. “Yes, I would rather have completely loyal followers and
doubts do tend to make that impossible.”
Severus glanced at him but quickly looked away. Something about Lord Voldemort
drew him in, like a moth to flames, but that same power was so very out of his
league that he could barely understand why the man would deign to look at him,
much less invite him personally into his service. It wasn't as if Severus was
special.
“You are special.” Severus jolted a little when Lord Voldemort echoed his
thoughts. “I've been watching you for a long time, Severus. I believe you are a
perfect candidate for my service.”
“Why?” he couldn't help but asking. The Dark Lord chuckled, thin lips pulled
into a coldly amused smile.
“You and I have more in common than you think. I suppose... that I see myself
in you.”
Severus' eyes widened faintly. What on earth could he possibly have in common
with Lord Voldemort? He sucked in a quick breath as the Dark Lord leaned over
and then murmured quiet words against his ear.
“Your father. You've left him alive all this time. Even after what he's done to
you,” he murmured so silkily that Severus couldn't help but shiver. His
father... Lord Voldemort knew about his father!Before Severus could try to save
things, the Dark Lord continued. “I know what you are, Severus. I know what you
can be. The Prince line needn't be spoiled by one muggle bastard. I can purge
that man's blood from you.”
He felt like he'd been hit in the chest. Severus blinked wildly and his heart
pounded as Lord Voldemort pulled away. Purge him of Tobias' blood? Could he?
Severus didn't know if he should believe it, but he wanted to. Merlin, did he
want to. Maybe it was only bring a Prince descendant that mattered, but for
once, someone wanted something of him. Someone thought he was special. Worth
waiting for. Worth working for.
“Can you...?”
Lord Voldemort smiled. “I can do things that would erode your mind to dust with
worshipful awe, Severus. I can bring you fame... Fortune. Acceptance. You will
never have to remember that man or that life.”
It was so much to take in, so much to understand and believe. Merlin, was this
honestly happening?
“Will you accept this gift?” Lord Voldemort asked softly, his expression
serious and faintly hinted with a deeper wanting that made Severus shiver.
“Will you accept me?”
Severus stared at him. He'd never... never been asked to accept someone else.
Always, it was the other way around and he'd always been so painfully rebuked.
Without even meaning to, he found himself nodding, unable to do the same to
anyone else.
“Yes... Yes, I will accept you..”
The Dark Lord smiled once more and Severus realized what he'd just done. Dear
Merlin...
“Tonight, you will be staying here?” Lord Voldemort asked.
“Yes. Lucius offered me a guest suite.”
“Excellent. I shall see you later this evening, then, once the rabble have had
their fun and parted ways.”
And then the man was gone. Severus stared after him, feeling pale and shaky as
that overwhelming aura left with him. Dear Merlin, what had he just done?
Quickly, Severus left the main ballroom and found a bathroom where he quickly
unloaded the contents of his stomach. He knelt against the tiled floor, panting
with sudden anxiety. Dear Merlin.
He had to get out of there. He had to run. But where would he go? Rosier was
dead. Lupin out of the question. He didn't dare bring danger to Belby. And Lord
Voldemort knew-
His heart nearly stopped. Lord Voldemort knew about his father. He knew what he
was. This same man who hated muggles with such a passion that he'd dedicated
his life to eradicating them. This same man who tortured and murdered and... Oh
God.
He threw up until there was nothing left in his stomach to lose. What was he
going to do?! It was all well and good to defend his friends, to hold out their
good intentions and character, but he couldn't do this!
…But Lord Voldemort knew what his father was. He knew who his father was. If he
ran, Tobias was a dead man. And for some inane reason, Severus couldn't let
that happen.
He shook and panted and curled his fingers in his long hair. What was he going
to do?!
Nearly an hour later, Lucius tracked him down. By then, Severus had managed to
calm his body and wash his face, but he was still so shaky and pale. Lucius
didn't ask. He already knew. And Severus knew there was no escaping this.
He hoped his father's deity could forgive him because he was rather sure Merlin
never would.
The office Lucius led him to had been cleared of everything except a round,
blood red rug and a high backed chair just past it. In that chair sat Lord
Voldemort. He didn't get up when the two wizards entered but a cold smile
spread over his lips. Immediately, Severus felt the faint pressure of someone
trying to break into his mind. He reacted instinctively, throwing up extra
defenses to his usual latent ones and letting his thoughts filter so that only
those he wanted to pass into the open did. After a bit, that pressure let off
but he doubted it would be gone for long.
“Welcome, Severus. I'm so glad you've agreed to join us.” Lord Voldemort's
smile sent shivers down his spine every time. Severus did all he could to hide
it.
“It doesn't seem possible to make a different choice,” Severus murmured
truthfully, which only made the Dark Lord chuckle.
“What a lovely way of looking at things.
Lord Voldemort rose from his chair as Lucius backed away from Severus's side,
leaving him standing alone on the blood red rug. That was fine. He'd always
been alone to face things. Why would it ever change now?
“Kneel.”
Severus glanced at the man's amused face for a moment before he carefully
lowered onto his knees, hands resting upon them. Lord Voldemort's smile
widened.
“Your left hand.”
Another hesitation, but the Dark Lord didn't seem to care once he'd lifted his
hand up. Lord Voldemort seized him around the wrist in a tight, painful grip.
Severus didn't let himself flinch. It was just like being with Grandfather
Snape again. He'd only be hit a second time if he flinched or turned away. He
didn't even let himself twitch when the edge of the Dark Lord's wand touched
his forearm.
“Severus Snape, do you swear to serve me faithfully for the rest of your days?
Do you swear to lay down your life for me, for whatever reason I ask for it? Do
you swear to submit yourself to my every order until the day you die?”
“I swear,” Severus murmured and was rather surprised his voice didn't waver.
The air changed, charging with stored magic and promise.
“Then I accept you, Severus Snape, and rename you Death Eater.”
Pain struck with such sudden violence that Severus had no defense. He screamed
as fire burned along his arm and through the rest of his body. He was burning,
blackened, turning to ash! His scream rose higher, reverberating through the
walls. Through the fire, he thought he felt wind, sparks of magic, thought he
might have heard voices and a terrible laughter...
And then it was over. Severus slumped forward, cradling his arm against his
chest as he panted for breath and shook. His body was still there, nothing had
burned, but his arm... It throbbed as if he'd broken something. Looking down,
Severus stared at the newly tattooed mark upon his pale skin. The skull glared
and laughed at him as the snake slithered through it, mouth open for the bite.
Severus shivered harder.
“Rise, Death Eater.”
Severus was sure he'd collapse if he tried, but he had to. He carefully got
onto his feet and rose, swaying lightly in place as he held his arm. Lord
Voldemort glanced over his work with pride before his dark eyes flickered up to
Severus' pale face. Then he chuckled.
“Go ahead, Snape. Faint. It's over.”
In more ways than he ever thought possible. Severus tried to hold on but Lord
Voldemort had read his body perfectly. Within seconds, the world went black as
Severus fell.
He didn't dream and he didn't know how long passed until he woke. Someone had
moved him to the guest room. Severus stared up at the canopy top and then
lifted his left arm. His night shirt rolled down to his elbow, exposing the
nasty mark upon his skin. Severus wanted to cut it out of him. He sat up,
staring down at it as the eyeless sockets glared back, promising pain and
mayhem.
“What have I done?” he whispered, hand curling into a fist. The snake seemed to
slither within the skin as tendons shifted under. He relaxed his hand and
closed his eyes. Damn it.
The door opened and Lucius came in. Both men stared at one another for a long
few moments before Lucius pulled a chair by the window closer to the bed and
sat down in it.
“Well. This has been an eventful day for you, hasn't it?”
Severus wanted to rip out that smooth talking mouth. Instead, he just answered
quietly, “I suppose.”
“It gets better after the initiation. Only the worthy survive. The rest burn
into cinders.”
Severus closed his fist again and stared at the mark. Worthy. Was that what
Lord Voldemort meant by purging Tobias out of him? He found himself not really
caring. Worthy... He supposed he could deal with that. For a little while,
anyway.
***** Because They Make You *****
It seemed that as soon as he left Lucius' house the next day, Severus' life was
a sudden whirlwind of activity. Things at St. Mungo's picked up as attacks
around the country sent more and more wizards into hospital care. Severus found
it disconcerting that he now furiously brewed for the self same people he
fought and injured.
Lord Voldemort had put him to work immediately. Nearly every other night,
Severus was participating in a raid if he wasn't doing dangerous potions work
for the man. It was exhausting, working through the day brewing and then
spending nights fighting Ministry Aurors in hit and run operations. There
wasn't a day when one or the other one of the higher ranking Death Eaters
didn't heal him of some pain. Whoever the twp men were, they were the only
healers Severus saw among the corps and he committed their voices to memory
since they kept their faces covered. However, he never heard those voices at
St. Mungo's.
Severus figured out a good half of who everyone was. Death Eaters were suppose
to keep their faces covered unless Lord Voldemort himself told them to unmask.
Protections from spies. Only Death Eaters of certain ranks know who was on
which raid. However, Severus had always been an avid people-watcher. It was
easy to figure through bits of conversation, body language, and unconscious
habits to who belonged to who, especially since most members showed themselves
at various parties where their class allowed.
He hated the raids. He hated the stench of fire and urine and blood. He hated
the screams of innocent people and children. He hated the sight of bodies
writhing under Cruciatus. He hated the way they rounded muggles and
sympathizers like rats, singling out certain targets, and then destroying them.
He hated himself for doing it all.
When the chance came to do a reconnaissance mission instead, Severus jumped on
it. Apparating to Hogsmeade, he sought out the tavern he'd been told to scope.
His cloak kept his identity secret and wasn't all that odd, really. No one else
out that night seemed surprised. He took ordered a drink and set to waiting.
The targets came finally. Severus drank and listened. So close to April's full
moon, his hearing was at its peak. However, they were speaking in code. Severus
memorized the words but he wanted to know more. With a faint frown, Severus
lifted his head and stared at the two from beneath his hood covertly.
Carefully, he curled his hand around the hilt of his wand and whispered out,
“Legilimens.”
It was suddenly clear. Neither men had any but the most rudimentary mental
shields and Severus got through them easily. He learned the cypher for their
code, memorized names and dates and locations, and then pulled free without
either knowing he'd been there in the first place. He left sometime after they
did and returned to his flat, writing everything down in one of the three Death
Eater cyphers. Once completed, he reported back to his superior, who seemed
slightly surprised he'd done so well.
After that, there were no more raids for him. Severus had shown himself to be
more valuable than that. The next months, his work load was easier for his
missions came only every week or two, giving him plenty of time to rest and
recuperate while he brewed for St. Mungo's. He didn't mind the missions. There
was no longer a stench of death that seemed to infiltrate every stitch of
clothing he owned. The hard part was over, he thought.
June brought Lucius's child into the world. They named him Draco in typical
pure blood fashion. Severus was there the day after the birth and blessed the
child himself, accepting formally the role of godfather. Draco cried and
screamed, pink face scrunched up when he wasn't in his mother's arms. It amused
Severus to watch as Narcissa cooed and smiled at the child, all too happy to
have him with her. The moment was soft and gentle and even Lucius couldn't help
gazing at his heir with utter adoration. Draco would grow up happy and loved,
as it should be.
A week later brought him back to Hogsmeade to investigate another lead. The
weather had turned foul and was raining buckets upon him as lightning stuck
through the sky. Severus crept into place at the Hog's Head Inn and waited.
Experience had made him rather relaxed, really. He didn't have to worry about
dying for the most part and he'd made it an art to lie low years ago. It was
second nature now.
His target entered with the most particular woman. Her frizzy hair seemed to
overtake her head, as did her wide glasses which multiplied her eyes to
dizzying size. He covered a snort. The woman didn't worry him but the target
was one Albus Dumbledore. As they sat down, Severus was a bit surprised
Dumbledore didn't notice him there.
It was an interview, apparently. The woman spoke in riddles and with grandiose
gestures that were little becoming for how useless those words were. Severus
found her absolutely ridiculous. As the interview came to a close, Dumbledore
began to tell her that he would not be hiring her when the woman abruptly went
very still. Severus narrowed his eyes and listened carefully as her voice
dropped low and dark with a cadence completely different than her own.
"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches.…born to those who
have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…and the Dark Lord will
mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not.…and
either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other
survives.…the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the
seventh month dies…"
Severus barely kept himself from reacting. A prophecy? They were rarely real,
but he suddenly felt a cold chill in his gut. Severus barely heard the woman
mention something about being faint and then Dumbledore's kind worry before
accepting her to Divination professor of Hogwarts. They soon left but Severus
stayed behind, silently reeling.
A child was to be born that could defeat the Dark Lord? He shivered. Such a
child would have to have more power than even Dumbledore himself. To think one
like that would be born...
Eventually, Severus managed to get back to his contact. He relayed the prophecy
along, as with that Dumbledore had spoken of nothing consequential and seemed
busy with the running of his school. Then he escaped back to his flat to try
and cool his unease.
In early August, Severus received word that Lily had borne a son on the 31st of
July. They named the child Harold James Potter. Vaguely, Severus remembered
Lily having an uncle named Harold that she'd particularly adored. It seemed
pathetic that James had to christen the child with his own name. Severus didn't
rip up the letter or the moving photo of mother with child. James wasn't in it,
after all. He ended up putting both on his dresser and not moving them.
Days later, a second letter came in from none other than Albus Dumbledore.
Apparently, Severus' old Potions teacher had seen fit to retire and with such
little notice, Dumbledore was having trouble finding anyone else to take up the
job. Severus thought about it for days before realizing that being so close to
Dumbledore would make it easier to watch the man and relay things back to the
others. He accepted the position and contacted St. Mungo's with his
resignation.
School began on September 1st, but Severus moved in a week earlier to ready his
personal rooms and classroom. He met with the other teachers, most of which
were still those who had taught him. McGonagall gave him a softer smile as she
shook his hand in greeting and gave a late congratulations for his earning the
Mastery of Potions title. Severus found it a bit odd to be on a first name
basis with her and the rest, but in a way, it warmed him to be seen as their
equal. Dumbledore made it known that he was welcome to visit the headmaster's
office if ever he had a problem. It seemed a little cryptic to Severus, but he
figured he was likely just paranoid.
Severus was also named Head of Slytherin, which gave him great pride. When
school began, he met young cousins of his own school mates and little bastards
he'd hoped would never exist, and that was just in his own house. He never
realized how idiotic children could be until he had to teach them.
Near the end of October, Severus was promoted to the Second Level Circle out of
the blue. He wondered why but it wasn't until mid December that he found out.
It was the prophecy. In giving Lord Voldemort the prophecy of his own doom,
Severus had sealed his loyalty and Lord Voldemort always praised loyalty and
usefulness. And then Severus found out from Lucius that Lord Voldemort had
decided on what child the prophecy spoke of.
Harold James Potter.
As soon as he could get away from Lucius, Severus apparated back to Hogwarts
and flew to the Headmaster's office. He was lucky to find Dumbledore there and
awake. So panicked that he was, it took longer to calm down enough to actually
be understood. Dumbledore sat next to him, one hand at his shoulder as Severus
shook and held his head in his hands.
“I don't care if you turn me in,” Severus told him, quiet and scared. “I don't
care if they throw me in Azkaban or give me the Kiss. I..I..”
“You're not making sense, my boy,” Dumbledore murmured with worry. “What has
happened that's gotten you into such a state?”
“He knows. He knows the prophecy. He knows about Lily's baby.”
“Lily's son...?”
Severus lifted his head and stared at the Headmaster with wide, frightened
eyes, his face pale and heart racing.
“There were only two,” Severus explained. “Two children who could fit. It's not
the Longbottom child, it's Lily's.”
Dumbledore frowned. “How...”
“It's my fault. I-I told him. I'm Death Eater.” Severus swallowed thickly,
dragging back his sleeve to show Dumbledore the hated mark. “You have to... You
have to protect her. He'll come for the child. He'll kill her for it.”
“What do you propose? I can't take that boy from his parents just to-”
“Hide them all, then. Keep her – them – safe. Please.”
“And what will you give me in return, Severus?”
Severus blinked, breath hitching. “In – in return? Anything.”
Dumbledore nodded and let go of his shoulder, standing once more. He walked to
his desk and stared down at it, hands resting on the surface.
“Severus, do you know of the Order of the Phoenix?” the old man finally asked
as he turned and glanced over one shoulder. Severus frowned.
“Yes... There have been a few Aurors we've fought that were thought to be part
of the Order. I don't know much about them since I've been doing reconnaissance
work.”
Dumbledore nodded and then leaned back against his desk, still holding the
edge. “I will protect the Potters. We'll find a way. In the meantime, I ask
that you act as my spy within Voldemort's forces, that you join the Order of
the Phoenix.”
“What?” Severus stared at him. “But... I am..”
“Already spying on me, apparently,” Dumbledore murmured almost kindly. “You
will feed Voldemort the information I tell you to and, in turn, give me
information you come across. If you cannot or will not agree to this, I must
contact the Ministry.”
Severus thought about it, feeling numb inside. There was one issue, one problem
he could not ignore no matter how much he wished he could. “Can you protect my
father as well?”
Dumbeldore nodded. “Yes.”
“Then I'll do it. I'll be your spy. Your man until death.”
***** You Did It *****
The Potters disappeared in mid January, as did a few other prominent families.
Severus didn't ask where they'd gone because he didn't want to be a risk to
their safety. To her safety.
Lord Voldemort was furious. When Severus was brought before him to give an
update on Dumbledore's activities, he ended up on the wrong side of a Cruciatus
curse. He stumbled back to his rooms later in a shaking wreck, but he'd
succeeded. The Dark Lord didn't know he'd been the one to alert anyone.
When he wasn't being tortured by Lord Voldemort or doing missions for
Dumbledore, Severus rather enjoyed teaching. The students were idiots, but when
he found someone with a similar talent to his own, he felt compelled to further
that talent. Between extra classes for such students, tutoring the idiots,
detentions, regular classes, and then missions on top of it, Severus ran
himself constantly ragged. He often wondered if it was worth it.
The school year went quickly. There was so much to do, so many battles to
fight... The Death Eaters had become more emboldened by victories as the Order
of the Phoenix fought valiantly against them. The violence was ever escalating
into a monster too fierce for any to be unmarked. The children spent their days
quiet and subdued, the younger ones often found in terrified tears while the
older ones grew more and more morose. Children were pulled out of school every
week as their families went into hiding or left the continent. More and more,
he had his Slytherins coming to him for assurances and support. Severus had
never felt so much responsibility.
And then June arrived. The children were sent home and Severus' life became
even more busy. He was constantly pulled into plots of Voldemort's and the
others of Dumbledore's, barely having a moment to himself. He rarely had to
deal with others of either group because of his specialty but that didn't
bother him so much as his lack of rest. When the summer ended, he was relieved.
School began in September. Barely half the students made it there. Countless
children had been killed with their parents, others still hiding out. Those
left behind were a grim bunch who barely had any reason to hope that the
vicious fighting would end.
And then it all came to a head on Halloween night. Then his whole world fell
apart.
It was near midnight when Severus's arm suddenly alighted with massive pain. He
screamed out, waking in bed only to curl around himself and writhe as fire
licked though his veins and ripped him from the inside. He thought he might
die, his heart might stop, and then it was over. He laid still and shaking,
clutching his still throbbing arm. Something had happened. Something with the
Dark Lord?
When he was able, Severus got up and pulled on his robe. He left his rooms and
searched out the Headmaster, only to find out he was gone. McGonagall was the
same. Vaguely panicked, he went to the staff room to find a surprising number
of Order members there.
Lupin sat on their small couch, head in his hands and shoulders shaking.
Pomfrey sat next to him with her arm around him as she pet his hair. Old
Elphias Doge was involved in an animated conversation with Arthur Weasley, who
was trying very, very hard not to cry.
“What has happened?” Severus hissed out. The room went silent as Pomfrey, Doge,
and Weasley looked at him, startled by his sudden appearance. Severus was
rather sure he looked quite bad off, shaky as he still felt and holding his
left arm.
“The Dark Lord is dead,” Doge said quickly. “He's gone! We're free of him!”
At that, Lupin gave another hoarse sob. What the blazes...? And then it really
hit him. Severus stared at the old man, barely breathing. Dead? Voldemort
was...dead...? Severus staggared a bit into the door frame, just staring. How
could this be? Voldemort... He was immortal! Luckier than the devil and with
just as much darkness in his heart. How could anyone have ever defeated him?
“Who?” he demanded. “Who did it? Dumbledore?”
Doge blinked. “Well... Well, that's where it gets a little funny. It was Harry
bloody Potter!”
Severus stared a moment and then scowled. “This is no time for jokes!”
“It..It's not a joke,” Weasley added in, eyes tearing up. “That baby... He
really did it. Somehow... somehow, he defeated that madman... but...but the
cost...”
Weasley broke, covering his eyes with one hand as his body gave a sudden
shudder. And Lupin was still sobbing on the couch. Voldemort was gone. Severus
didn't understand. Why were they so heart broken? He stilled suddenly.
“Who's dead?”
Doge's face fell. Pomfrey gave a little sniff and then buried her face in
Lupin's shoulder. Severus stayed very still. Dumbledore? Had that old man
finally found his end? It wouldn't be surprising.
Weasley managed to get a hold of himself partly, tears streaming down his face
as he looked at the younger man.
“James and Lily,” he murmured.
Severus didn't move. He stared. “What?”
“J-James and Lily,” Weasley repeated, shaking faintly. It still didn't quite
hit. Severus felt suddenly numb. He left, moving back to his own rooms. As the
door closed behind him with finality, Severus's knees weakened under him and he
fell to them.
Lily. Lily was...
It didn't make sense. She was under protection! Dumbledore swore to him he'd
protect her! She couldn't... It didn't make sense.
Her son had defeated the Dark Lord.
No, it was all lies. It couldn't...
Her son had defeated the Dark Lord and she was dead.
Severus crumpled in on himself and wept until he'd made himself sick. Then he
staggered to his feet and got to his stash of whiskey.
He wasn't sober until two days later and that was only because Dumbledore stole
what was left of the stash and refused to return it. He sobered slowly and
painfully and his sorrow burned just as hard when he was of his own mind again.
Then he promised Dumbledore he would watch over that boy, her son, as
Dumbledore had been unable to protect his mother. The old man allowed it and
then told him that Harry Potter had been left with others and to wait. His time
would come soon enough. Severus hated him more that moment then he'd ever hated
anyone at all.
The school was having a week long holiday, luckily enough. There was no reason
he had to make an appearance in front of the children. He wanted to curl up and
let himself die but Dumbledore refused to let him. Somehow, when the new week
began, Severus managed to drag himself to class and conduct it. That didn't
stop him from getting drunk that night at one of the shadier taverns in
Hogsmeade. He refilled his stash and spent nearly the next month teaching
through continuous hangovers.
The Aurors and the Order worked double time to round up Death Eaters right and
left. There were almost continuous trials and Severus was brought in as well.
He barely managed to escape Azkaban, only Dumbledore's word keeping him away.
Then he returned to Hogwarts and hid there.
Frank and Alice Longbottom ended up in St. Mungos after being tortured insane
in mid November. The remaining Order Members were devastated and fought even
harder to bring an end to the lasting violence. Severus didn't bloody care
about any of it. Anything really, even when Igor Karkaroff denounced him in
court. Dumbledore, once again, came forward to protect him.
Sirius Black killed thirteen muggles and Peter Pettigrew in January. The news
was utter shock. Black had gone missing just after the Potters' deaths and had
not resurfaced until then. The sheer violence of the attack shocked the whole
of Wizarding England, and even worse the laughter Black had been reported to
have uttered when he was taken into custody. He was sentenced to life in
Azkaban.
Severus wished he'd been ripped into pieces, especially when the full story
came out. A Fidelius charm, a betrayal, and now murder of a remaining Marauder.
None of it made sense. Severus drank and then decided that he'd been right.
Black had been no good from the start, a wolf in sheep's clothing, and Lily had
paid for it. Severus hated him more than ever.
Weekends became blurs he didn't remember. He avoided the rest of the staff,
ignored Dumbledore and McGonagall's attempts to talk with him, to share in his
sorrow. He didn't want to talk. He didn't even want to think.
In retrospect, he shouldn't have been surprised when Lupin appeared in his room
late one Saturday night. Lupin looked like utter shit and, drunk as he was at
the time, Severus didn't hold back telling him so. He didn't remember well what
happened after, just a long stream of flashes that didn't make sense.
He woke up in bed and stared at the ceiling fan and wondered why he hadn't just
killed himself already. It wasn't going to get better. It wasn't going to
change. His life was this shit existence of pain and ruthless violence and it
was never, ever going to get better.
Lupin was asleep beside him. They were both naked. There were bruises and bites
along both of them and Severus' body felt strung out and unfamiliar. Sex, he
supposed. The headache pounding in his skull made it hard to think. Severus sat
up and the sheet that had only partially covered him fell away. He held his
aching head and stared at Lupin and wondered why he was there.
Why the hell would he be there?
Severus had already showered and taken a hangover potion before Lupin woke. He
watched Lupin sit up and run a hand through his hair. He watched Lupin look up
and notice him and blanch.
“Severus.”
It took a few moments and then he answered with a quiet, “Lupin.”
Lupin didn't seem surprised. He dropped his hands into his lap and just looked
at him. Severus folded his arms over his chest.
“What are you doing here?” Severus wondered if his voice had always sounded so
tight and hoarse.
Lupin had a deadened look on his face. As numb as Severus felt. “Where else am
I suppose to be?”
Severus had to admit that was a rather good question. His friends dead, a
betrayer in Azkaban, what was left for him except the packmate he had left
alone for years now? Severus' chest tightened and he prepared to tell him to
leave, but what came out was a quiet, strained, “Stay here.”
Lupin watched him and seemed to read the vulnerability Severus didn't even know
he had. Finally, he nodded a little and Severus fetched him a hangover potion.
They didn't speak as Lupin cleaned up and Severus refreshed his robes. A house
elf brought breakfast enough for two, apparently warned by the Headmaster.
Severus assumed Dumbledore was plotting something again but he really didn't
care.
He didn't drink much that day as he and Lupin sat in his living area before the
fire, watching the wood burn. Severus sipped the same glass of whiskey for
hours.
“Severus.” He glanced over at Lupin, who had not called him Snape that entire
time. For a moment, Lupin looked like he wanted to ask something important, but
his courage failed. “The next moon?”
“Nine days,” Severus responded and that was all. Lupin left that evening.
***** For Yourself *****
Severus had rather been expecting another round of bad news. It still felt like
a hit to the face when he received notice that his father had been killed in
the factory a day after Lupin left. The accident was due to a faulty piece of
machinery. The company lawyer urged him not to sue and offered a settlement to
keep him quiet. He didn't sue, mostly because he didn't have the strength to.
Tobias was buried next to Eileen. Severus didn't really know why he bothered.
It wasn't as if Tobias had ever been a father to him. There was money left
behind, no debts except the mortgage for the house on Spinner's End. He used
the money to buy a tombstone but he didn't have anything written on it except
Tobias's name and his dates of birth and death. Severus didn't feel enough to
add an epitaph.
It was raining when they put the body down. Severus was alone to witness it.
Long after the burial team left, he stood in front of his family plot and
stared at the graves. Far too many graves for how little he felt about all of
them. Severus left flowers for his mother.
Great aunt Lavina sent him a card. It offered condolences and then invited him
to come live with her. She thought he was seven. He sent a polite reply and
that was the last contact he had with any blood relatives.
Two days later, Severus went to the Shrieking Shack for the transformation. He
still felt numb but he hadn't drunk anything since Lupin left. The taste left
him feeling sick.
The moon itched under his skin. Severus hated it. He climbed up into the shack
and closed the trap door behind him, feeling the warding spell click into
place. He rose and then stood, thinking back. Had he taken his potion the last
seven days? They blended together in a mass of numbness. Well. It didn't really
matter, now did it. Severus sighed softly and began to undress.
A sound made his fingers pause along the buttons down his vest. He
instinctively tracked the noise, head twitching to one side. After a moment, he
moved back towards the trapdoor just before it opened. Severus had his wand out
and trained before he even thought about it.
Lupin stared back at him, half through the door. He glanced at the wand, then
up to Severus' face. It took more than a few moments for Severus to drop his
wand again.
“What are you doing here?”
Lupin dragged himself fully inside and closed the trap door. “Well, as much as
I love the idea of rampaging outside-”
“What are you doing here?!”
The shorter man looked at him again. Severus didn't realize just how shaken he
was until that moment he heard the strain and upset in his own voice. His hands
tightened at his sides.
“Where else am I suppose to be?” Lupin asked so softly he barely heard. Severus
swallowed when Lupin smiled at him sadly. Too much. Severus looked away.
They undressed in silence, stowing their clothing away like they had as
children. Severus sat against one wall, thin legs pulled up to his chest and
arms wrapped around them. The moon itched more powerfully under his skin,
alighting his senses. He could hear Lupin breath and his steady heart beat,
scent the sweat on his skin and the faint salt of tears. His eyes flickered
over to watch him out of the corner of his eye.
Lupin was alone, he realized. Just like he was.
The transformation come over them. For the first time in three years, the
packmates were reunited but it wasn't the same anymore. Both wolves had human
minds. They stayed where they were, staring at one another. The brown wolf was
not quite Lupin. The black was not quite Severus. They fidgeted and scented the
air. After a bit, the brown wolf laid down, head resting on his forepaws, and
the black followed suit.
There was still a natural nervous energy in them. They couldn't lay for long
before the need to move so overtook them that nothing else was thinkable. They
padded around the shack, reacquainting with familiar territory and familiar
smells. They tried not to bother each other, taking scrupulous care to keep out
of each other's ways. It didn't work all that well and they often came face to
face. After a long stare off, one or the other would turn away and continue on
until the night was over. The black wolf curled up to sleep and not far from
him, the brown did the same.
Severus woke to a touch that wasn't quite unfamiliar. He stayed still, kept his
eyes closed, and kept his breathing smooth. Fingers, he surmised. Running
through his hair. He felt warmth radiating from near his back. It wasn't quite
soothing, but nor was it unpleasant. Severus let it go on for a bit, even
knowing it had to be Lupin doing it. If Lupin wanted to touch him, he was a bit
too tired to protest.
He did, eventually, decide to get up. Severus sat up and Lupin jerked his hand
back only to blink when Severus grabbed him and gave him a tired look.
“Why do you do that?” he asked quietly. Lupin's jaw clenched faintly.
“I felt like it.”
Severus looked at him narrowly for a bit before he released him. They got up
and dressed. As he tugged his shirt on, Severus noticed Lupin was staring at
him. He frowned, shooting back an annoyed look.
“What is it?”
Lupin glanced at his face and then back towards... his arm. Severus pursed his
lips and tugged his sleeve down, securing the buttons on his cuff. Severus
jerked a little when Lupin stepped up to him and took his hand, undoing the
cuff and pushing up his sleeve again. There was silence as Lupin stared at the
Mark, running light fingertips over it. Severus thought it should hurt,
somehow, even though it didn't.
“They can't remove it?” Lupin asked softly. Severus shook his head.
“It's entwined with my magical core.” It would kill him.
They were quiet as they finished getting dressed and went to Pomfrey. She gave
them a few potions, checked them for injury, and then sent them off again.
Severus started back to his rooms but paused, glancing back towards Lupin.
“..You're....welcome to join me. If you'd like to,” Severus managed awkwardly.
Lupin shrugged a little, looking away.
“Are you pitying me, Severus?”
He scowled at vague sting that caused. Fine. Teach him to try. Severus turned
and started back towards the dungeons only to have a hand clamp over his wrist.
He flinched, jerking his hand free with a scathing look.
“I'm sorry,” Lupin said, frowning back at him. “I wasn't trying to... well. It
doesn't matter. I'm sorry. I'd like to join you.”
Severus looked over him narrowly, suspicious of another slight but Lupin's
expression was sincere. Finally he nodded a little and led Lupin back to his
rooms. The best medicine was to sleep, but he doubted he'd be able to in such
close quarters to Lupin. Instead, he ended up in his small mini kitchen, making
tea. Lupin stood awkwardly near by, looking at this or that. Severus watched
him from the corner of his eye. It was so strange to have the other man in his
territory, but not as strange as he'd thought it would be. Of course, Lupin was
pack to him. He supposed that meant something.
“Are these your parents?”
Severus nearly dropped the kettle. He looked over, seeing Lupin standing at his
mantle. His parents? Severus set down the kettle from where he'd been pouring
and stalked over, taking the framed photograph from Lupin and looking himself.
He nearly stopped breathing.
It was from years ago, second year. Some relative had badgered Tobias into
getting a picture made of the family. Eileen sat in chair stiffly, hands folded
in her lap. He was next to her, one hand on her shoulder. Tobias stood behind
them with his arms folded. Three equally grim Snapes. The photograph was
stationary, since Tobias' family was muggle. In a way, it made them seem even
more grim. Severus' eyes tracked over his father's face. Tobias really hadn't
changed until the day he died.
Severus set the photograph back on his mantle, face down. His chest hurt but an
overwhelming numbness soothed it back.
“Severus?” Lupin murmured, faintly worried. He didn't look at him.
“Yes. Those were my parents.”
Lupin stiffened as he understood what Severus meant. He looked away. “I'm
sorry.”
“Don't be.”
Severus returned to the kitchen and finished preparing their tea. He brought
Lupin his and they stood in front of his fire in silence. Neither drank.
Severus wondered why in hell he'd ever asked Lupin to come back with him.
“Sirius is a traitor.”
Stiffening faintly, Severus glanced over, watching Lupin gaze blankly at the
fire. “Lupin...”
“He tricked me.” Lupin closed his eyes. “I didn't... He got distant, at the
end. He didn't talk to me about J-James. He... I should have realized something
was wrong. He stopped talking to me.”
Severus didn't want to hear about Black, but he couldn't make Lupin stop
talking. As if he knew how much Lupin needed to talk.
“How do you live with someone for years and not realize what they are...?”
“It's not your fault.”
Lupin jerked, whipping his head around to stare at Severus and quite suddenly,
Severus knew what he needed. He set down his cup and then drew Remus to him,
arms wrapping tight around the other werewolf's body.
“It's not your fault,” he repeated softly. “He trained us. To hide. To trick.
It's not your fault you fell for Black's mask. The man was masterfully good at
it. I.... I didn't even know.”
Remus shivered and dropped his cup as he grasped onto Severus tight. Severus
didn't even bother being mad about the wet carpet. He rested his cheek against
Remus' hair, feeling Remus breathing against his throat. He took in Remus's
scent, full of aches and pains and the hint of chocolate and musk. Remus felt
warm and alive against him.
“Stay with me,” Severus whispered. He didn't care how long. He didn't care why.
He just wanted... Not to be alone.
Remus didn't respond at first. He held tighter, breathing hitching here and
there, and then he murmured ever so softly, “I...I can't just... I won't use
you, just to... just to...”
“Shut up.” Severus closed his eyes. It wasn't as if he hadn't been used before.
Or would be later. “I don't care about that. Just stay. Stay with me. For now.
For... Please.”
He heard Remus's breathing go uneven again and held tighter. The silence killed
him. If he was pushed away again... Remus shivered. “Okay.”
***** By Yourself *****
Somehow, they made it to the bed. There they slept, clutching to one another
like children. That evening, a house elf woke them and presented a light
dinner. They ate in silence.
Severus was still so awkward. He glanced at Remus over the meal, wondering if
he was suppose to say something or do something. There seemed to be a heavy
feeling of expectation resting upon them. He had asked Remus to stay, after
all. So, now he had to do something with him, especially since there were
classes the next two days. He couldn't expect Remus to just lay around his
rooms all day.
“Severus.” He looked up with a slight jolt. Remus smiled softly at him. He
hoped some day it would become more genuine again. “Tomorrow. I'm going to
visit Diagon Alley. I should be back by the time you're done with classes.”
Severus nodded. “...You don't have to share your itinerary with me.”
“Maybe. But I thought you would feel better if I did.” Still smiling. Slightly
amused. Still sad.
“I could care less what you do all day, Remus,” Severus muttered, brushing a
bit of hair behind his ear as he glanced off. “If you miss dinner, I won't save
you anything.”
When he looked back, Remus was staring at him. Severus frowned, wondering why
he seemed suddenly shocked but then the expression left him again.
“I should be back by dinner,” Remus murmured as he turned back to his meal.
He'd barely touched it. Severus beat down the faint worry he felt. If Remus
didn't want to eat, he wouldn't make him, much as his body probably needed it.
The remnants of the meal were sent back to the kitchens. They stood around the
tiny kitchen table for more than a few minutes before Remus went off to shower.
Severus stayed, picking at the hem of one sleeve.
It couldn't be this awkward forever, could it? Had he made a mistake, asking
Remus to stay? His own feelings hadn't changed. Severus still wanted him,
wanted to be with him, but who was to say Remus felt anything at all? They'd
fucked, not even two weeks ago, but that really didn't mean anything. Severus
had learned that quickly enough.
That didn't mean he didn't want to have sex with Remus again and properly
remember it this time. Severus walked slowly to his bedroom door. He could hear
the shower easier from there and caught the scent of his shampoo. It probably
wasn't right to be thinking about Remus' wet, naked body with how painfully
unsettled they seemed to be by one another.
Severus opened the bathroom door that Remus hadn't locked. An invitation? More
likely just lack of thought or care. He was used to living with another man,
after all. A man he cared about. Loved, even. Severus tried not to remember how
the thought of Black touching Remus set his teeth on edge. He wanted to erase
the other man from Remus' body.
Remus didn't notice he was there until he'd already undressed and pulled open
the curtain. He jerked, eyes wide and hair slicked back against his head,
curling faintly at his nape, soap lathered along his tan skin.
“Severus?” He barely got it out before Severus claimed his mouth and pressed
him back, entering the shower. Remus was still and shocked at first and Severus
had a faint fear. He should have waited. He should never have initiated. Lucius
had always moved first, jumping him whenever he pleased, same with Remus. He
should have waited...
And then Remus uttered the softest noise as he curled his arms around Severus,
drawing them flush against one another. Remus was so warm from the water and
slick under his fingertips. Severus couldn't help tracing over the bared body
against him, feeling Remus shiver here and there and hearing his breathing
hitch. He loved knowing that he was the one causing it.
Remus broke his mouth free only to descend upon his throat with sudden hunger.
A groan made it past Severus' lips before he could stop it. This was different,
so very different from Lucius. He felt heat burn in his belly, stroked ever
higher by Remus' ever touch, and his heart pounded in his chest with
anticipation of more.
By Merlin... He'd never been this excited.
As he reeled, Remus bit his shoulder lightly, bringing out a soft gasp from
Severus. He smiled faintly against his skin, hands sliding over Severus' body
as if to claim him for himself. Firm, slightly rough touch made him shiver and
groan.
“Remus...”
“That's right. Say my name.”
And then a hand slithered between them and Severus groaned as a hard shudder
ran down his back. Remus curled firm fingers around his cock, touching him just
right, just how he wanted it, how he'd longed for for years.
He didn't want anyone else but Remus to ever touch him again.
Severus arched into the mouth that began to travel down his chest. His fingers
curled in Remus' hair and he didn't try to stifle his voice at all as he had
always for Lucius. He could feel as well as hear Remus' soft growl when he
caused such noise and it made Severus burn hotter.
Remus slid to his knees and before Severus could ready himself, wet heat
engulfed the length of him. He gave a hoarse cry, one hand slamming against the
tiles to steady himself as the other tightened in Remus' hair. He wanted to
watch as he disappeared into Remus' mouth but it felt too good. His eyes shut
tight as he is head hung, heart pounding. He felt Remus move back and forth,
felt the swirl of that clever tongue over the head, and a whimper broke past
him. So good, so damn good...
Firm hands held his hips, kneading him gently as he suckled hardened flesh and
burned Severus through. He could feel the burn growing in his belly,
threatening to overtake him any moment. Remus' hands slid back over his arse
and massaged firmly between his fingers. Severus shuddered and then cried out
as Remus took him to the hilt. He barely noticed a water slicked finger
pressing into him through the perfect suction around him.
Severus was in heaven. He groaned and arched, shaking under Remus' knowing
caress. There was the faintest burn as a second finger pressed inside and
stretched him oh-so-slowly, but it barely registered as Remus swallowed around
him. He moaned hoarsely, head thrown back as Remus' fingers brushed his
prostate and a white flash of pleasure roared through him. He could barely
stand it.
And then it all stopped before he could reach his end. Remus drew back, licking
his lips as he looked up Severus' body to catch his eye. Severus stared back,
shaking with need and expectation. Remus rose, letting his body slid along
Severus' the full length. He was hard and heavy against Severus' thigh and
faintly whimpered when Severus brushed his fingers along the shaft.
“I want you,” Severus whispered against Remus' lips. The shorter man shivered
against him, hands sliding along his hips. “Please. Just... please.”
“Fuck,” Remus muttered and then caught his lips in a sheering kiss. Severus
slid his hands up Remus' chest to curl back in his hair tight, tilting his head
to deepen the contact. Remus tasted like summer and chocolate.
Pressing closer, Remus urged him back until he was pressed flush to the wet
tiles. His hand slid down from his hip over his thigh, then caught at the knee
and brought his leg up against him. Severus hooked it around Remus' thigh,
breathing hitching as every movement made them rub against one another. There
was faint stumbling as Remus used the pressure of his body to keep Severus up,
and then his hands held under his arse as Severus kept both legs wrapped around
his thicker waist. Severus' heart raced in his chest.
It burned as Remus pressed into him, but he didn't care. Severus panted against
Remus's shoulder, eyes closed as Remus slid every slow inch. By the time he
felt coarse hair against his skin, Severus was shivering again and panting
hard.
“Severus?” Remus murmured so softly.
“I'm fine,” he returned, biting his lip. “Fine..”
Remus stayed still, panting as he throbbed within him. It didn't take long for
Severus to get used to the large presence within him and his arms tightened
around Remus' shoulders as his hips twitched, urging the other to move. Remus
sucked in a slow, quiet breath and his hands tightened before he began the slow
slid out. There was a strange dual feeling of both relief and anguish as
Severus felt it leaving his body and it returned when Remus pressed back into
him.
Nothing frantic. Nothing wild. Their breathing mingled with the slow push and
pull between their bodies. Severus kept his eyes closed and let himself be
swept away by the feel.
A startled groan ushered a shiver down Remus' spine. Severus held tighter, his
breathing ragged and uneven. A faint tilt of hips and he was crying out as
Remus growled into his throat. Severus' legs clenched around him, using what
little leverage he had to draw Remus in deeper, faster. He needed so much...
Remus uttered a shivery breath against his neck and rocked his hips with sudden
strength that left Severus gasping. They were both at the end of their rope,
consumed with pleasure and need. Severus could barely breath and his body shook
with each thrust, He freed a hand from around Remus, plunging it between them
to take up his own cock. He heard Remus groan and then nothing else as his
vision whitened and a hard cry ripped from his throat.
When he came down again, Remus was shaking against him, barely able to hold him
up anymore. Severus swallowed thickly and winced when Remus carefully withdrew
from him. He let his legs carefully drop back to the floor and there they stood
as faint aftershocks of pleasure ran through their bodies.
“Severus,” Remus murmured, his voice weak and rough. “This is...”
“It can be nothing, like before,” Severus responded. It was easy to say with
his face pressed to the other's shoulder. “If you want it to be, Remus. I... I
don't mind.”
Remus made a faint, stifled sound and his arms wrapped around him, drawing them
more tightly around him. Severus didn't know what it meant. He was a bit
frightened to find out.
Eventually, they left the shower and dried off before retiring back to Severus'
bedroom. In silence, they dressed for sleep. Severus stood awkwardly at his
bedside, tired fingers fumbling over the buttons down the front of his night
shirt.
And then Remus was behind him, hands resting on Severus' own and his chest flat
against Severus' back. The potions master stiffened as he drew in a swift
breath.
“It doesn't have to be.” Remus's voice was so soft near his ear. “Nothing. It
doesn't have to be.”
Severus swallowed thickly and Remus' hands released his own to wrap around his
waist, securing them against one another.
“I can't promise not to think of him,” Remus murmured. “And you can't promise
not to think of her. But we can try this. We can try to heal with each other.
Something... Something greater may come of it.”
Severus closed his eyes and rested his hands upon Remus' as he leaned back into
the other. He wanted to ask how long but the fear of knowing was too strong.
So, he simply nodded. They climbed into bed and Remus pulled him close. Severus
tucked his head against Remus' throat, listening to Remus' breathing slow and
calm. Closing his eyes again, Severus pressed his lips to his throat and
rested.
***** And Now *****
The next days were still awkward but slowly, things got better. Severus taught
through the day and Remus went about his own business, always back in time for
them to have dinner together. They tried talking about inconsequential things
but neither had ever been all that good at it.
Still, it was nice. Peaceful. Severus wondered how long it could continue that
way and hoped to Merlin that it would be a very long time indeed.
There was still unease in the outside world. Severus often forgot about it in
the humdrum of school life. Death Eaters were still being taken in by the end
of February. Aurors were still being injured in captures and battles. It would
be years before the wizarding world calmed down with how much the power
structure of their kind had been thrown into shambles.
Some days, Dumbledore called him into his office and they talked about such
dramatic events. He called upon Severus for odd jobs here and there, usually to
find more information about various still at large Death Eaters. Severus didn't
mind. It was penance, after all. Penance for failing Lily.
It surprised him, how much he still thought of her. Severus had thought that,
perhaps, she would free him from her memory if Remus ever returned his
feelings, but she hadn't. He still heard her voice now and then, reminding him
that he had no right to be happy. There was still something he had to do for
her.
Lily's son had been left with her magic hating sister's family. Severus tried
to convince Dumbledore to find someone, anyone else, but he was firm. Harry was
to be raised as a normal child with no exposure to magic. Severus stopped
listening when Dumbledore went on about blood ties and the importance of
humility. He didn't care about that. There was no way Lily's sister would give
Harry the family he deserved. Severus would find a way. He swore it.
Mid March, Severus found an unsigned note in his bedroom. He narrowed his eyes,
reading over the words. Death Eater code, second cypher. Only one of them would
have sent him this. Severus pursed his lips and burned the note once he'd
mentally decoded and memorized the message. There was no way he couldn't go.
As soon as Remus was asleep, Severus rose and dressed, dragging out a hooded
cloak. He didn't know what to write in a note, so he left nothing behind.
Instead, he simply snuck out of the castle and headed towards Hogsmeade. As
soon as he'd escaped the anti-apparition veil, he disappeared into the night.
Severus was the last to arrive. Snow whipped around him as icy wind bit at his
exposed skin. Severus held his cloak tighter around himself, hood barely
staying on his head. This was likely one of the few Death Eater meet points
that hadn't been discovered yet. He'd only been there once before and had hoped
never to return. Severus hated the bone deep cold. His students sometimes
complained about the cool dampness of the dungeons, but they had no idea what
real cold felt like.
There was light in the run down shack. Severus headed for it with his jaws
locked to keep his teeth from chattering. He was stopped near the door with a
wand to his throat.
“Snape?” a rough, grouched voice snarled out. Severus didn't turn to look at
the man, already knowing by sound that it was Thorfinn Rowle.
“Forgive my lack of expedience,” he answered. Rowle snorted and drew back his
wand before letting him inside.
No one was hooded. Severus pushed back his own once the door had been shut
against the wind. Rowle stood near by, brutal-faced as ever. Leaning against
the opposite wall was Augustus Rookwood, lips quirking into a smirk when
Severus regarded him with a glance. Alecto and Amycus Carrow were near him with
their near insane grins. There was still blood spatter on the male Carrow's
duster. Last of the group was Lord Avery. Severus barely remembered meeting him
once, when he was in third year. Avery's father had never much cared for him
and now glared with as much hate as ever.
“You kept us waaaaaiiiiiting!” Alecto cackled with a little snort of glee. Her
brother joined her with a disjointed, wheezy giggle.
“Maybe little Snapeykins was having a wild night,” Amycus leered, his sneer
lopsided. “We'll have to 'pologize to Blondie later, hmmmmm?”
Severus didn't let himself respond to that. He lifted a brow, arms folded
across his chest. In truth, while he could have been offended that Lucius must
have 'kissed and talked', all he felt was relief that no one seemed to know
about his relationship with Remus Lupin.
“Cut that idiotic blather,” Lord Avery snarled out with a disgusted look.
Whoops. Avery hated him even more now. Severus couldn't quite feel bad about
that.
“Oh, have a heart,” Rookwood crooned. “It's just a bit of fun. Really, it's
Snape's own fault, pouf that he is.”
Avery gave another disgusted grunt and Rowle looked faintly green under a
fringe of blond hair. The Carrows just giggled to themselves. Severus was
rather convinced that they, more than any Death Eater he'd met, were absolutely
bonkers.
“Ugh, if you're all finished with such childish rabble,” Avery grumbled,
gesturing dismissively. He glanced around the rather motley group, obviously
thinking himself above having to ever speak directly to them at any other time.
This was serious. Severus's brows furrowed as he watched the man closely.
“Our brothers are being rounded up like pigs to the slaughter. While some of us
have seen fit to denounce our Lord and escape punishment,” Severus got a
particularly hateful glare at that, which he didn't respond to, “we cannot
allow his death to go unpunished. The Potter child must be brought to justice.”
Severus' heart stopped. While the Carrows cackled and giggled and Rookwood
gained another smirk, he could only think of the young child he'd sworn to
protect. Somehow, he would have to diffuse this, or find a way to warn
Dumbledore.
“He must be made an example of,” Avery continued, beating his fist against his
palm. “And soon, before any of those imbeciles think we're well and truly
beaten. We'll show them that the Death Eaters will never die. Our Lord lives on
within us!”
Alecto gave a shrill cackle as her brother giggled beside her. Rookwood snorted
and Rowle's lips quirked barely on one side. Severus just nodded, all the while
trying not to reel over the idea of anyone going after Lily's child seriously.
He had to stop this. Somehow... even if it killed him.
They bantered over ideas, delegating out jobs and information to gather.
Severus didn't let himself react to Avery's eyes boring into him as he was
ordered to circumvent Dumbledore and find out what he could of the wards. He
agreed to it, though he doubted he really needed to. Once everything was
settled, they agreed to meet a month from then and broke off.
The Death Eaters filed out into the cold but before Severus could get out the
door, a hand grabbed his arm and jerked him back.
“I know what you are, Snape,” Avery hissed and Severus went cold but didn't let
it show. He clenched his jaw faintly, giving the older man a narrow look.
“And what, precisely, is that?” Severus murmured cooly. Avery's lip curled.
“Halfblood,” he spat out. “I swear to Merlin, if you dare fail us, mudblood,
I'll rip out your intestines with my bare hands and choke you with them.
Severus lifted a brow at the rather colorful imagery. For a moment, he'd
thought Avery knew something dangerous about him. “I shall endeavorer to be
victorious then. Now, if you would be so kind to release me...”
Another sneer, but Avery let go and Severus escaped back to Hogwarts thoroughly
chilled. He woke Dumbledore and informed him of what had happened. There was
nothing to do just yet, especially since the cold had sapped what little energy
Severus still had after teaching that day. Dumbledore sent him to bed with a
promise to do what he could to head off the attack.
Severus didn't tell Remus. When he climbed back into bed, Remus tugged him back
against him, muttering sleepily about cold feet, and then went right back into
deep sleep. He didn't even remember Severus had gotten up at all in the
morning. They woke, had breakfast together, and then Severus went to teach.
The month passed too quickly. Dumbledore compiled information for Severus to
feed the Death Eaters. He'd chosen various Order members to circumvent the
attack, even listened when Severus begged him not to get Remus involved. All of
it was going too smoothly. Severus was on edge.
That night, he waited for Remus to sleep again before he left his rooms.
Severus checked in with Dumbledore, who had gathered the Order members in the
staff lounge, then left with a communication pin in his pocket. With it, he'd
be able to signal exactly when the Order would appear, if Avery decided they
were prepared enough to attack that very night.
He still hated cold. It chilled him to bone once more, but at least the wind
wasn't as blustery this time. He got to the shack and went in, met with the
Carrows going over a joke that didn't make much sense and seemed to have to do
with chickens. Avery didn't seem all that amused. Rookwood arrived next with
Rowle coming up behind, ever the watchful guard dog.
Not much was argued this time. They pooled information and Severus felt a
sudden ease to know that the others hadn't found much, not even the name of the
family Harry had been left with. He did what he could to misdirect them,
offering both truthful and false information. First of all, he directed them to
the wrong area and then the wrong family, noting Harry to have been left with a
wizarding family. He had confidence that Dumbledore had already warded up the
area they'd been planning on using if the Death Eaters hadn't figured out where
Harry was. They took the bait and figured through a rough plan. Severus noticed
glaring holes, only a few of which he brought to light. It was a perilous game
he played here.
Avery decided to attack. They apparated out to the half deserted farmland of
some relative of Dumbledore's. In silence, the six of them approached the main
house. There were people inside – Severus hoped to Merlin they were plants –
and light shone from only one window as someone puttered about in the kitchen
for a midnight snack. Severus, with Rookwood at his side, advanced on the back
door and unlocked it with a quick charm. Rookwood went ahead of him and Severus
stayed close behind has he activated the communication pin and sent a series of
taps before switching it off.
Who ever was in the kitchen hadn't noticed them. Rookwood smirked widely and
held at the ready... and then everything went to hell. The person in the
kitchen attacked as soon as they came around. Rookwood squawked as he narrowly
missed a curse and returned fire. Severus did what he could as the two of them
retreated from Alaster Moody and got out of the farm house, only to see the
whole area had been filled with Order members. Severus saw Alecto screaming
bloody murder after someone clipped Amycus' arm with a blistering hex, then
dove for cover when a body bind shot past him.
The anti-apparition ward must have gone up just after the others got there.
Severus kept up the fight as he moved towards the edge of the field. Edgar
Bones managed to catch his leg with a stinging curse that toppled Severus to
the ground before he petrified the man and hissed out the counter curse. His
leg throbbed with pain as he limped on. Benjy Fenwick nearly caught sight of
him, but Severus managed to duck out of the way and he went on to fight with
Rowle.
It looked like things were going well enough. He just had to get out of there
alive. Gritting his teeth as a stray cutting curse sliced across his back,
Severus continued ducking from cover to cover. The battle was soon enough left
behind him. He was losing blood too quickly, but he knew if he could just get
to the edge of the veil, if he could just manage that far... And then he
reached it. Relief flooded him and he gathered what strength he could to get
himself back to safety-
“Oh, don't think you're getting out of this!” Avery roared as he grabbed
Severus and apparated them away.
***** You'll Live On *****
Severus ended up dumped into the snow. He tried to scramble to his feet, but
Avery's boot smashed against his head and he fell back down with a pained groan
as his head swam. Avery's lip curled with disgust as he kicked him again.
“You,” he spat out. “I knew it. I knew a bloody halfblooded brat like you would
betray us!”
“What-what are you...”
“Shut up when your betters deign to speak to you!”
Another vicious kick and Severus curled in on himself, gasping for breath.
Avery leveled his wand and suddenly, Severus' world exploded into red hot pain.
It sheered through him like fire, alighting ever nerve with agony. He writhed
in the snow, trying to escape inescapable pain as he screamed. His muscles
strained, threatening to rip apart under skin that would tear at any minute.
Blood coursed down his face as his nose bled.
It ended as quickly as it began. Severus laid on his side, panting harshly as
he curled in on himself. The aftershocks of pain raced through him and he shook
badly. He could barely feel his extremities at all and his head felt like it
was full of cotton.
“Pathetic,” Avery sneered out. Severus managed somehow to get his eyes open and
look up at the man. “Absolutely pathetic. Just what I'd expect from muggle
spawn.”
Severus coughed up blood when he tried to speak. Avery snorted as he shakily
got up to his knees. He looked obscenely pleased to see that and then cast
another quiet crucio again. Severus slammed back into the snow screaming. He
didn't know how long it continued. The night seemed to go on forever,
punctuated only by short seconds of respite between rounds of Cruciatus. It
burned and contorted him, drawing soul wrenching screams until his throat was
eviscerated and bloody. Soon enough, Severus didn't even try to get up in the
intermediary periods. He could barely move, barely breath. He wondered if his
heart would give out before Avery got bored of playing with him.
“Not even a tenth of what's owed to you,” Avery growled and knelt down. He
grabbed Severus' face roughly, jerking it up to face him. Severus' eyes rolled
up slowly, no doubt bloodshot by then. “Look at you. Pathetic little muggle
spawn bastard. Can't even defend yourself. Not that I expected any better from
a halfblooded brat.”
A hard fist across his face opened his lip up. Severus groaned and tried weakly
to protect himself, only to have another strike land. Wheezing faintly for
breath, mouth tasting like blood from when he'd chewed the inside of his mouth
rather viciously, Severus barely managed to roll his head back again and stare
back at him. What else could he do? It hurt, everything hurt so much. He
wondered if he would ever stop hurting.
“I should just end you right now. It would be a bloody service to the world,
ridding it of some idiot, traitorous pup like you.” Avery's dark eyes flickered
from his face down his body and back before gaining a thoughtful and even
colder look. Severus shivered involuntarily. “But maybe you can be of use to me
yet.”
The wind roared with sudden violence as Avery grabbed a handful of his vest and
dragged him bodily across the snow. Severus groaned as snow and ice dragged
across his back and side, a rock gouging a deep gash into his arm. He couldn't
struggle. His limbs felt like dead weights and it was all he could do to keep
conscious.
Avery jerked him through the door and sent him sprawling into the center of the
room as he slammed the door shut behind him. Severus tried to get up, his body
shaking hard with pain and weakness. A book caught him in the side and he fell
again with a grunt as he curled up to try and protect himself. He looked
through his arms, breathing wheezed through bloody lips, and Avery stared back
with his lip curled disgustedly.
“Eager, are you, faggot? My son told me all about you, Snape. About your
obsession with that bloody James Potter and Sirius Black. I know you. Your
disgusting kind,” Avery sneered. Severus vaguely knew he should be worried,
that his meant something horrid, but his head swam dizzily. Another kick came
to his face. Severus felt his nose break as his head flew back and blood
coursed down his face. He couldn't even manage to scream. “I suppose even an
ugly wretch like you is fine for this. You might even enjoy it, you depraved
bastard. Last bloody thing you remember before I send you on to the other
world.”
Avery grabbed a handful of hair and jerked him onto his belly as he leaned over
him. Severus could feel faint heat against his back for a moment as Avery
caught up both hands in one of his own. A spell ripped a line down the back of
his robes and Severus groaned faintly as it cut into his skin as well. Fresh
blood trailed hotly down his back, crossing the deeper wound already there. His
vision blurred and he fought not to faint. Not when Avery could and likely
would very well kill him after this.
“Already moaning like a whore? Sick bastard.”
Severus winced as Avery shoved his split robes from his back. Cold air bit
against bared skin and he shuddered violently. He tried weakly to get free but
Avery's grip was firm and he was already so close to fainting. Then Avery half
ripped his slacks partway down his thighs and it clicked with abrupt horror in
Severus's pain addled mind what was happening.
Oh God. Avery meant to...
He was instantly sick at the idea of anyone but Remus touching him and fought
with sudden vehemence. Avery grunted as he managed to free one hand and ram an
elbow into the man's chest, then Avery grabbed his head and slammed it against
the wood floor. Fresh blood ran from a cut above his eye and his vision blacked
for a second or two before Severus got hold of himself again.
“Less than you deserve!” Avery snarled and slammed his head down again.
Severus saw stars and for a few precious moments, he couldn't move. He heard
Avery fumble with his belt and get it open, heard cloth rustle. Severus got his
legs under him and tried to buck the older man but he was too big and Severus
too weak. Avery's breathing rasped loudly and Severus felt a burst of absolute
terror. He sighted his wand, which he'd managed to keep hold of until they got
to the shack. Severus threw his hand out and willed with all his being to reach
it as Avery kneed his legs apart.
A moment later, wood smacked against his hand. Severus' fingers curled around
his wand and he didn't hesitate at all.
“Sectumsempra!”
Avery screamed and Severus didn't wait to see what he'd hit. He scrambled from
under the man and rolled onto his side, wand held up shakily as he dragged his
pants back up. There were deep gashes in Avery's chest, bleeding profusely, and
two fingers had tumbled to the floor. Avery grabbed for his wand, face pulled
with pain and rage, but Severus was faster with adrenaline shooting through
him. He cast a second sectumsempra that Avery barely got out of the way of. It
shot two deep groves into the adjacent wall and wind roared in from outside.
Severus struggled to his feet just as a cutting curse clipped his arm before he
could get up a shield. Avery yelled with rage when a stinging curse caught him
full in the face.
Severus didn't have the energy for this and he knew it. He was shaking so badly
he could barely cast. Gritting his teeth at the power it took to keep up his
shield, Severus stumbled for the door. The shield failed just as he got there
and he yelled as pain erupted along his back from another landed hex. He fell
into the snow but managed somehow to get along the wall and out of direct
sight. Severus' head swam as he fumbled at the clasp of his slacks together. He
was instantly frozen, ripped as his robes were, but there was little he could
do for that just yet.
Avery came out in a rage and stumbled past him in the snow. Severus dragged
himself up and moved along the side of the shack, getting to the far side
without Avery realizing he was still there. He tried to summon up enough energy
to apparate but he was in too much pain and too tired. He stumbled half blind
in the snow, leaving the shack behind as he escaped into the forest of naked
trees. He heard Avery's enraged bellow echo through the sky and hastened
himself as much as he could.
He had to get back to Remus.
Severus's legs went out from under him and he tumbled into a snow drift. He
hissed as the cold hurt and numbed him. Had to keep moving, but it was so hard
to just get up. His limbs didn't want to obey him. Breathing ached as cold
permeated deeply inside.
He didn't notice that he'd closed his eyes until he jerked them open at the
sound of movement near by. Somehow, Severus managed to get his wand up. He saw
Avery's nearly beastial eyes and cast without thinking. A gash opened up across
his throat and face. Avery gagged, hands grabbing up his neck as his lifeblood
flowed over his fingers. The body dropped as he continued to bleed out and soon
enough fell still.
Severus' breathing was hard and painful. His shaking was lessening as the cold
set in and he felt absolutely numbed. He was really going to die this time.
He didn't panic. Severus didn't have the energy to. Besides, he thought he
probably deserved to die this way. Lost. Alone.
There was faint noise that caught his attention. Severus listened to the vague
voices for white a few minutes before he thought back to the comm pin. He
fumbled it out of his pocket, icy fingers barely able to grip at all. He ended
up losing his hold on it just after he'd activated it and it dropped in the
snow next to his face. He could hear clearly from there anyway, even over the
wind.
“Severus? Severus, answer me! Goddamn it, Septima, Filius, work faster!
SEVERUS!”
Severus smiled, even though it hurt.
“Remus....” he whispered. His throat and face hurt too much for anything
better. The voice on the other side cut off abruptly and then began shushing
people around him viciously.
“Severus! Where are you? I'm coming. I'll -where are you?”
There wouldn't be time. Severus knew that. But still, he felt warm inside at
the thought of Remus trouncing through the snow for him. His pack leader was
very devoted, wasn't he...?
“Remus,” he whispered again. “I...”
“Please, just tell me. I'll be there in a moment, I swear to Merlin, Severus,
just tell me where you are.”
Severus laughed softly. He heard Remus make a pained noise.
“It's all right, Remus...”
“No it's not. It's not at all, Severus, where the hell are you?! Hurry up,
Septima! Filius!”
He couldn't feel his body anymore and his eyes felt so heavy and tired. He was
going to black out soon. Pity. He'd wanted to talk to Remus a little more.
“Severus! Don't stop talking to me! Oh Merlin, how hurt are you? Severus!”
“I'm tired,” he murmured as he let his eyes fall closed. He listened to Remus
continue to yell at him, letting the man's voice roll over him like a
comforting wave. He thought back to the last calm night they'd had. Remus made
love to him so gently and he could still remember the feeling of his arms
after, so warm and secure. He smiled again even though it hurt. “Remus... I
love you...”
“SEVERUS!”
He'd have liked to see Remus before he died, but at least they'd had the time
they did. At least he'd been able to tell him he loved him. His consciousness
faded with that thought.
***** Because That's How *****
Severus awoke to glorious warmth. Thin fingers carded through his hair and his
head rested upon a warm lap. He let himself bask in that for quiet a while. No
pain, no cold. Wonderful.
“Severus,” murmured a soft, gentle voice. He opened his eyes and looked up.
Eileen Snape smiled softly down at him. “There you are, my brave son...”
Severus frowned with confusion. His mother...? He sat up, staring at her. She
looked younger, as if the strain of the years had been wiped clean. She was
pretty when she smiled, her dark eyes gleaming with health and happiness.
“Mother... how? You're..”
“Yes, Severus.” She reached over, brushing her fingertips down his face. “You
already know how.”
He swallowed thickly. “I'm dead.”
“Almost.”
Severus raked a hand back through his hair. He should have cared quite a bit.
He didn't. Instead, there was simple a deep inner peace inside him. Severus
glanced back at his mother, who was patiently waiting with her hands resting on
her knees.
“Are you...” He hesitated, then forced himself to continue. “Are you... all
right?”
“Oh, yes,” she murmured, smiling more brightly than she ever had in life. “I'm
very happy now. I've missed you, Severus, but... It's peaceful here. So very
peaceful.”
He nodded and crossed his legs under him, letting his hands drop limply into
his lap. A weight he hadn't realized he'd felt lifted off him.
“Severus,” Eileen called as she shifted closer to him. “It's all right. You did
so well. I'm proud of you. More proud than I've ever been before.”
“Proud?” He blinked at her as she began to softly pet his hair. “But I...”
He looked down at his arms and jerked back his left sleeve. The mark on his arm
was more of an ugly bruise than a true mark anymore. He couldn't quite see the
lines that made up the tattoo. Eileen laid one slim hand over it.
“Severus, you have done things – terrible things – but all in the name of
justice and loyalty.” She rested her head against his shoulder. “How can I not
forgive such a noble son?”
“There's nothing noble about me,” he insisted. He closed his eyes, laying his
hand over hers. “I... I spent all of school fighting with idiots who didn't
know better. I coveted another man's wife even after she died. I let you and
father die. I joined a madman-”
“Shh...” Eileen pulled him to her and he shivered as his head rest against her
chest. His arms wrapped round her tightly. They hadn't embraced this way since
he was a small child. “None of that, Severus. You're human, my son. Everyone
human makes mistakes and every mistake is forgivable here.”
He might have started crying then, but he didn't acknowledge it. Eileen pet
through his hair, rocking him gently like a child.
“You have done the very best you could, Severus,” she murmured softly. “No one
could have asked you for more.”
He was definitely crying by then. Eileen held him through it as he gave great,
choked sobs against her dress, surely clutching her tightly enough to hurt, but
she didn't complain. He didn't know how long it lasted, but afterward, he felt
a great peace inside.
“Father, is he..”
“He's here,” Eileen said gently. “But he doesn't have the courage to face you.
He wanted me to apologize to you for him. Just like Tobias, isn't it?”
Severus couldn't return the soft smile he heard in her voice. His father?
Afraid to see him? It was hard to believe, Tobias shying from anything.
Unpleasant as he was, he'd always seemed so steady and strong.
“Someday, I hope you can forgive us,” Eileen murmured. Severus lifted his head
and stared at her.
“Forgive you? I'm the one that-”
“No.” She smiled sadly and caressed his cheeks with her soft fingers. “No,
Severus. There is nothing we have to forgive you for. You've done nothing to
warrant it. But we... We wronged you in so many ways.”
“Mother-”
“Let me speak, Severus.” He fell silent without even meaning to. “We were
miserable, Tobias and I. We didn't do our best by you and we should have. You
deserved more from your parents.”
Severus didn't know what to say to that.
“You should have been loved and cared for and cherished. I... I know you didn't
get that. And I'll be forever sorry-”
“Stop it.” Severus' voice was strained and hoarse as he dragged her against
him. “Don't... Mother, you did all you could for me. I... I couldn't have asked
for more from you. There was Grandfather and all of Father's expectations
and...”
A faint tremor went down Eileen's back. She held him tightly and whispered
against his neck, “Thank you, Severus... That means more to me than you'll ever
know...”
They clasped to each other for so long. Severus didn't care about the passage
of time. His mother was warm and happy in his arms, at last content with
herself and her life. He couldn't have felt happier.
“Severus.”
He stiffened. Even after years of not seeing her, he knew that voice. Slowly,
Severus lifted his head, eyes widening as he saw her.
Lily was as beautiful as she had ever been. Her soft red hair gleamed with
ethereal light and her lips smiled with a smile just for him. The green outfit
she wore brought out her eyes wonderfully. He shivered.
Eileen pulled away slowly and got up, giving them space. Lily stepped closer
and held out her hand. As he took it, Severus was amazed at how soft her skin
felt. Had she ever been so soft? He rose, speechless.
“It's good to see you, Severus,” she said softly, still smiling for him. “I've
missed you.”
“Lily...” He didn't know what to say. He'd failed her so utterly.
“Stop that, Severus. It's unbecoming of you.” Lily smacked his hand lightly but
her eyes were brimming with good feeling. “No need to look at me so sadly. This
is a happy reunion. I'm not here to condemn you.”
“I deserve it.”
“What? For loving me? No. I'm not nearly that cruel. I'm not even angry at you
for hating James. That... It's understandable.” She sighed a little. “And you
did your best to save me. I know you did. Dumbledore never told us who had
warned him, but after we died... We knew. You've been a true friend, Severus.”
He swallowed thickly. Lily reached up and took his face in her hands. She drew
him down and he followed without question. When her lips reached his, he
stopped thinking. She tasted of strawberries and sunshine and her lips were
soft as silk. His hands found her own and it was all he could do not to clasp
her to him.
Too soon, Lily drew away and smiled so gently at him.
“A reward. You've done better by me than most anyone, Severus.”
He nodded faintly, unable to speak around the lump in his throat. Lily drew her
hands back as she took a step away.
“I need to ask one last favor of you,” she murmured. “It won't be easy. What
I'm going to ask will be dangerous and full of pain, but you're the only one I
can trust with it.”
“Anything,” he said thoughtlessly. “Anything at all. I... My life is yours,
Lily.”
“No it isn't.” She smiled. “It belongs to someone else who deserves it far more
than I do.”
He didn't quite understand what she meant, but she didn't need him to.
“I want you to watch over Harry,” she said as her expression grew serious. “His
life will be hard and painful, but there's nothing I can do for him except hope
that the person who loved me best can love him as well.”
“Harry? But I'm-”
“Not for long. They're trying to bring you back even now. Can't you hear their
voices?”
Severus frowned in confusion at her and then he heard it. Faint voices, too
vague to really get what they were saying or who they belonged to. He looked up
into the whiteness surrounding them and tried to concentrate but they were too
fleeting. The words flowed together.
“Do I have to go back?” he asked quietly. Leave this? The peace, the quiet...
She took his hand.
“I'd like to tell you yes,” she admitted. “But it's your choice, whether you
wake up or not.”
Slowly, Severus lowered his gaze down to Lily's face. There was sadness in her
eyes and a longing. Not for him, of course, but rather for his choice in going
back or not. She'd have returned in a heartbeat if she could and he knew it.
“He's waiting,” he murmured. “Your son.”
“Yes. And so is your Remus,” she replied with a smile. He blinked and then
flushed as he glanced off. “Oh, Severus. There's no need to be embarrassed
about loving someone. I'm happy for you.”
“I... I'm not sure if he...”
“You'll never know if you don't go back to him, now will you?”
Severus couldn't help but smile faintly at that. Lily leaned up and kissed his
cheek, then drew back as Eileen came to clasp his hand.
“I'll be waiting here,” she said, smiling gently. “When it's time and I can
meet this boyfriend of yours.”
Severus didn't trust his voice. He took a breath and then let himself wake up.
***** It's Supposed To Be *****
Severus opened his eyes. The world was bright and painful and real around him.
Vaguely, he remembered something that should have been important, something he
needed to do... It escaped him. He felt as if something awesome and lovely had
happened but he couldn't for the life of him remember it.
There were voices around him, but the curtains had been pulled shut around him.
The infirmary, he guessed from the mixed scents of mint, astringent, and spell
work. Severus turned his head to listen better, but tried to move little else.
His entire body felt like one bruise.
“....sign of the Carrows,” someone was saying in a hushed tone near the
curtain. Severus could just make out their shadow. “Looks like they got away
scott free.”
“Damn,” another grouched and Severus knew that voice. Alaster Moody.
“At least we got Rowle and Rookwood. Those idiots will be sharing a cell soon
as Snape wakes up to testify.”
A new voice muttered something but it was too quiet for Severus to hear. One of
the others shifted uncomfortably.
“Don't say that. Pomfrey says he could wake up any time now.”
No answer, but Severus didn't care to listen anymore. He fell back to sleep.
Sometime later, he woke to darkness. The air was cooler and a faint shiver ran
down his back. Severus stared up at the dark ceiling for a while before
noticing breathing near by. He turned his head. There was someone in the chair
next to his bed, slumped over onto the bed with his head resting on his arms.
He knew who it was. He'd never mistake the salt and pepper hair or the
particular mix of scents he always found around Remus.
Severus slowly pushed himself up to sit, much as his sore back resisted. He was
stifled and though his body felt leaden, he was full of nervous energy. The
moon, he realized. It was one night to full. He sighed softly and looked down
at the sleeping wizard. Reaching over, he gently brushed Remus' hair from his
face.
“You were crying,” Severus whispered to himself as he brushed his fingertips
down the tear tracks along his cheek. He frowned. The sleeping man continued to
rest. The bags under his eyes told of long nights. Had he been there this whole
time, standing vigil?
“It's nice to see you awake, my boy.”
Severus stiffened but he wasn't really surprised to see Dumbledore open the
curtain on the other side and step close. He smiled, twinkling blue eyes
flickering down to Remus before returning to Severus once more.
“You gave us quite a scare.” Dumbledore conjured up a chair and sat down,
making himself comfortable.
“How long was I out?”
“Almost two weeks. We wondered if you would survive the hypothermic shock.”
“Avery cornered me. I had no other choice,” Severus responded. He didn't bother
drawing his hand back from carding through Remus' hair.
“Yes, I had wanted to ask you about that...” The old man trailed off and then
smiled. “This feels very familiar, doesn't it?”
Severus gave him a confused look. Dumbledore just waved a dismissive hand.
“Forgive me, I feel I may have suffered a brief feeling of senility.” He didn't
believe that for a moment, but if Dumbledore didn't want to talk of useless
things, he didn't really care. “Avery has been taken care of. Dear Alaster took
blame for killing him. It wouldn't do for the remaining Death Eaters to doubt
your loyalties any more than they already do.”
“Loyalties? Does that really matter anymore?” Severus frowned darkly. “The Dark
Lord is dead. Most of his followers are in Azkaban or dead, if they didn't
weasel their way out of things like the Malfoys. Why do I have to keep up this
charade? I'm done with it, Dumbledore! I'm finished being a puppet to one
person or another. I think twenty-two years is enough service to everyone but
myself!”
Dumbledore's expression grew very grave. He said nothing for a long while and
Severus thought, for once, that he'd over stepped himself. Then Dumbledore
sighed softly and tugged at his beard.
“Not yet,” he murmured so softly that Severus barely heard it. “I'm sorry,
Severus, but I will have need of you for a long while after this. It has to be
you.”
“Damnit, why?!” Severus' fingers curled tightly in the sheets. “Why me? Why
when I finally have something to lose?!”
“Do you?”
Severus stiffened. He hadn't meant to say that. He hadn't meant to admit it out
loud. Dumbledore reached out and rested his hand over Severus'.
“That's why, Severus.”
He grit his teeth, closing his eyes tightly.
“I don't want to ask it, Severus,” Dumbledore murmured. “But I must. And you
promised me your life until the end. I can't give up that obligation yet.”
“The danger is over.”
“No it isn't.” The old man sighed and drew back his hand. “I fear we will soon
face a danger greater than we have seen before. One that will rend us to the
very foundation. I can't give up any edge the Light may wield when that time
comes.”
“Fine. Fine, keep me in your pocket if you wish, but you will give me one
concession.”
Dumbledore lifted his gaze, watching him with calm that wasn't quite sincere.
Severus lifted his head and pinned a hard glare onto him.
“Put Harry Potter into my care.”
To say the old man looked surprised was an understatement. He stared for quite
a few seconds before he could even think to respond.
“Severus-”
“This is not negotiable,” Severus snapped at him. “I won't have Lily's
disgraceful sister raise that child. I swore to watch over him. I vowed to.
Leave the boy in my care.”
“Severus, he must grow up innocent! As a normal child!”
“He will. I have no intention of letting anyone turn that boy into a soldier.
He's Lily's son, Albus. I owe it to him for failing my pack.”
Dumbledore drew a slow, strained breath. “And if I don't acquiesce to this
demand?”
“You'll have one less spy for your uncertain, dark future.” Severus was deadly
serious. “I refuse to be your pawn otherwise.”
The old man sighed softly. He glanced from Severus to the still sleeping
werewolf, and then carefully levered himself up from his chair.
“I will have the necessary paperwork for adoption and change of name,”
Dumbledore murmured. He didn't sound pleased, but Severus didn't care. “If the
boy is to stay within wizarding society, it is up to you to keep him secret and
safe.”
“I have no intention of shutting him away from the rest of the world,” Severus
said immediately. Dumbledore gave him a sharp look and he continued. “He will
be my son. A Snape, and protected by that name. The details I can manage on my
own. After all, it isn't as if my secretive nature is unknown. If I happened to
have a secret lover, it wouldn't be at all surprising, now would it?”
Dumbledore's eyes slid to Remus once more. He heaved a sigh. “I will trust your
judgment, at least for now, Severus.”
“You don't have to trust me,” Severus retorted, “but as long as you accept this
decision, I don't really give a damn.”
The old man snorted faintly. “Someday, you will try my patience to the end,
Severus.”
“I look forward to that day, Albus, if only to see you lose your insufferable
calm.”
Dumbledore left soon after. Severus felt tension flow out of him as he was left
alone in the dark with Remus' steady breathing to soothe him. He thought about
waking him, but didn't. Remus needed the rest.
Severus laid back down. Life would be different now. He'd not realized really
that the end of Lord Voldemort signaled the end of the war and the end of
having to play the pawn. He'd never thought in his wildest dreams that he'd
ever have the courage to stand up against Albus Dumbledore.
Lily's eighteen month old son would soon come to live with him. He wondered if
Remus would stay. After all, he'd not told Remus before this that he meant to
take in the boy. Remus might leave. Severus sighed softly. He would take that
if it came.
Somehow, he felt strong enough for once in his life to go on his own.
But maybe Remus would stay. Severus wanted to think that. Maybe they could
raise Lily's child together. Merlin knows, Severus would need the help. He had
little experience with young children and even less about infants. Still, he
knew this was what he was supposed to do. What he had to do.
Perhaps what he'd been born to do.
Tomorrow, Severus decided, he would worry about Harry and adoptions and raising
toddlers. Tomorrow, he would worry about the fall out of the Death Eater
activities and his dubious alliances. Tomorrow, he would face the world and all
it decided to throw at him.
Severus rested his hand in Remus' hair, comforted by the familiar, rough
texture. He listened to Remus' soft, even breathing and let his own fall into
the same pattern as Remus' soft scent rolled over him.
Maybe Remus would stay. Severus closed his eyes. He'd be all right if he
didn't, but... He didn't want to just be all right. He wanted to be happy. For
once, he thought he might deserve to be.
The world was still frightening. Still dangerous. Still utterly infuriating.
Severus didn't care. He would carve out his section of it, small as that might
be, and fight tooth and nail to keep it just the way he wanted. If Remus
stayed, he could be there with him and Severus would fight to keep him as well.
It seemed like a pipe dream when he imagined how things could come together.
Severus decided that, for once, a pipe dream was just fine.
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